


Save the Date

by yoursistheonlyocean



Category: Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 69,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23432554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoursistheonlyocean/pseuds/yoursistheonlyocean
Summary: An important impending event in Miles' life tugs at Alex's heartstrings.
Relationships: Miles Kane/Alex Turner
Comments: 32
Kudos: 27





	1. We Never Know

**Author's Note:**

> To my friend Nadia.

His phone rang in the other room making Miles turn off the shower and run to pick it up. Soaking wet he struggled to wrap the towel around his waist, being careful to not slip on the floor. That was an ungodly hour to decide on leaving his phone in the other room. That documentary he watched on radiofrequency radiation being linked to cancer got under his skin, seeing that he didn’t really separate himself from his phone for a second. Miles had been more cautious to at least not be in the same room of his phone when he wasn’t able to use it, like in the shower. Bad choice.

He answered the phone with a breathless hello, catching his breath right afterwards, ready to wait for someone on the other line to start talking. His phone getting slippery in his grip.

“‘Ello…” Someone on the other line spoke and Miles froze.

There had been a whole year without that voice, without that someone. He didn’t know if he was elated or nauseated. His heart skipped more than just one beat and he felt it accelerating madly. He hated the fact that after so much time, his reaction hadn’t changed a bit. He was so predictable.

“Alex…” He whispered in a husky morning voice and went silent. What did they have to talk about anyway? Their lives went completely separate ways. He thought that as much as they had a lot in common on the inside, the outside said completely otherwise.

“Mi…I…eh…’ow do?” Alex said hesitantly.

So now he wanted to make small talk, great! Miles thought.

Miles controlled his impulses of throwing his phone to the floor, thinking of the trouble of buying a new one and having to go without a phone for a while. He would be the only one in pain if he were to do that.

“I'm just alright, thank ye very much for asking.” Miles answered sarcastically, now sat on his bed making a hell of a mess. He thought he would have to change the sheets and that would be thanks to the twat who chose this time to call, even though he had a whole year to reach out.

“I’ve ‘eard that ya're gonna get married…” Alex said in what sounded like a sad tone, or Miles was already reading too much into it. He shook his head.

“I am indeed.” Miles chuckled. “Finally the turtle is tying the knot.” Oh, he called himself turtle. It was so spontaneous he didn’t even realise. Maybe he was trying to pry a reaction out of Alex, calling himself one of the cute nicknames Alex used to call him. It just had been minutes on the phone and he was already trying his best to call Alex’s attention to him. He felt pathetic. He was going to marry someone else after all.

“Miles…” Alex sighed heavily. “Please don’t.” Alex pleaded and Miles heart fluttered for a moment until he realised what Alex was actually asking of him.

“What?” Miles asked him indignant. There was no way Alex had a single good intention in his heart asking him to not get married. There was something there, he could tell. He could always tell.

“Miles…Please don’t…If ya marry a bloke they’ll think I’m gay too.” He answered nonchalantly, making Miles blood instantly boil and burn the inside of his veins.

“Fuck ye Alex!” Miles instantly started crying thinking that for a moment he was actually happy that Alex was asking him to not get married, and now it was clear yet again that Alexander Turner could love no one, not even to the point of simply letting them be happy.

The sniffing was the only indication that Miles was crying what made Alex suddenly felt like a dick. Even so, he kept his nonsense.

“So…guess it's a no then?!” Alex affirmed but it sounded like a blunt question, his voice cracked at the end though and Miles was able to perceived it.

Miles kept in silence for a while, wiping off his tears with his bare arm.

“A whole year…” He managed to say. “A whole year I’ve been missing ye…so much…” And this time was the time Alex went mute. He realised how selfish he was being, not only by asking Miles to not marry someone else over the phone but also for being absent for so long.

They couldn’t tell exactly what happened that made them grow apart. They had a fight years ago, they made up but it never went back to normal again. Alex got busy with a new girlfriend and with his band, Miles made new friends and kept his solo project active putting a new album out there every year. They hadn’t been in touch for a whole year, but the prior couple years before the silent one were awkward as well, with just a few encounters, a few phone calls and a few texts. Eventually, all of those ended up stopping.

Among Miles' new friends was Alan, his soon to be husband, a lovely Chef Miles met on a trip. The friendship soon turned to be romance and after a whole year dating they decided on, not only move in together, but to also officialise their union with a party and everything else couples do.

“I've been busy…” Alex said in lack of anything else more suitable to say. He could have said he missed Miles like crazy, that there wasn’t a day he didn’t think of him, but he didn’t. Somehow he was afraid that it would sound fake, or maybe he was afraid of the sentiment itself.

“Sure…” Miles mumbled back. Their breathings could be heard loudly on the other’s line, and the tension was palpable. Miles felt his heart crumple in face of his only desire, that was to feel the warm breath of Alex near his skin again. He conclude that it was better to end the call, that Alex shouldn’t be invited back into his life with open arms. He worked hard to make his life better, he genuinely loved Alan, no mattered how much he still loved Alex.

Alan, opposite to Alex, was accessible, loving and caring. He was the one who would reach for Miles hand on the streets. He was the one who would invite him out on romantic dinners. He was the one who would invite Miles' friends and family to events at their new home. He was the one that, after a fight, would break the ice first. Nothing like the cold rude yet romantic boy Alex was. Alan was right for Miles. That was all Miles needed to know. Alex had been only collaborating to the notion with his messy phone call.

“Good bye Al…” He said with a sting in his soul, swallowing the lump in his throat, and before Alex even had the chance to say goodbye, Miles had hung up the phone.

***

Miles was getting ready for an interview with Martin, same interviewer that seemed to have the most personal questions ever. With his wedding getting closer and closer, he knew that it was the right time to tell the world he has chosen his man. He knew full well though, that more to that was implied. Talking about his impending wedding was going to lead to talking about the close relationship he had with Alex for so many years.

He was admittedly nervous when Martin, after greeting him, jumped right to the first question.

“Is that true that you are getting married?” Martin asked and Miles’ face illuminated in a bright grin. That wasn’t going to be that difficult. He had found a wonderful man to share his days, why not to brag about it anyway?

“Yes Martin, that’s correct.” He confirmed. His expression soft and determined.

“Who is the lucky person? Could you tell us?” Martin asked, even curious himself if the rumours about Miles marrying a man were true.

“He is a lovely Chef named Alan, who I’m lucky enough to have met.” Miles said getting anxious. Ok, he was definitely out now, the next questions were the ones he feared the most.

“First congratulations!” Martin said with a smile, and Miles nodded thanking the man. “Is your mate Alex Turner going to be your best man?”

Miles froze at the question. He expected questions about Alex, but not this one in particular. Of course there was no way he would invite Alex to be his best man, but how he would respond to that. So he stuttered, and stuttered…and scratched his cheeks and his nose, looking desperately for an answer of some sort. Luckily it wasn’t like Martin wasn’t familiar with that behaviour when it came to puppets. Eventually he found an answer.

“No, he won’t. We are 'aving mutual friends to be best men, and I bet Al's been way too busy for that role anyway.” Miles sadly smiled, counting on Martin to let it go.

“Is he gonna be invited?” Miles realised that that line of questioning wouldn’t change. He took a discrete deep breath trying to not show any emotion.

“Absolutely. Alan and I sent out our invitations and I guarantee he got his.” Alan wasn’t that convinced on inviting Alex, but Miles was adamant that he needed to. It was a courtesy and at the same time a peace offer.

“Do you want him to be part of your wedding?” Martin asked with a shy smile. He didn’t look like someone who knew that the question was inappropriate.

“Sure, I’d love 'im to be. I’m yet to confirm the R.S.V.P’s but I’m sure he’s gonna manage to be there for me.” Miles answered true to his heart. He couldn’t imagine his big day without Alex there. Sure he wanted him to be the groom, but he couldn’t have it all.

Maybe Alex would see this and decided on showing up. That’s the only way Miles' weeding day would feel complete.

“Have you and Alex Turner had a romantic relationship?” Miles widened his eyes. That had become an interrogation and not an interview, but no one better than Miles wanted to put this subject to rest. Alan was the only one who mattered, not Alex.

“No. We 'ave always been just friends.” Miles lied. He did it for Alex anyway. He wouldn’t call off his wedding because of him, Miles deserved a chance of happiness, but he would deny that relationship with Alex for the entirety of his life, if that was what would make Alex happy.

The rest of the interview focused on Miles new album.

***

Somewhere in London, Alex sobbed downing glasses and glasses of alcohol. He didn’t know why he was weeping so bad when Miles had done exactly what he asked of him, well…not exactly exactly, he was still getting married after all.

Alex couldn’t decided if the sorrow was because Miles was happy talking about marrying Alan or if it was about Miles denying him publicly. Maybe it was about both.

Since the moment the invitation got to his mailbox until now, he had stroked the raised silver letters of Miles' name way too many times to be deemed acceptable. When he had enough of the sight of Alan’s name next to his, he covered it with a sharpie and wrote his own name on top. It felt more right like that, still it hurt just about the same.

***

After that interview with Martin, the hashtag milex was overridden by the new hashtag milan. A lot of new shippers came up, and most of milex shippers changed sides. Miles and Alan were the cutest, holding hands, kissing in public and going to events together. Alan was very nice to Miles' fans, and everyone fell in love with him swiftly since he loved Miles to the extent every fan prayed for him to be loved.

Most of milex fan accounts ceased to exist, except for a few that still believed milex was the real thing and that Miles wasn’t completely happy without Alex.

Just out of despair, anonymously, Alex opened a milex fan account.

***

It was a sunny day on their wedding day, and Alan was upset because he wanted it to rain. According to tradition a rainy day would bring luck and it would mean the marriage would last. There were no clouds that day, only a blue and clear sky.

Miles on the other hand didn’t believe that much in that particular superstition, and was his smiley self while getting ready for the ceremony. He was in one of the rooms of the small castle they had chosen to be the venue, while Alan was getting ready in another room, far away from his own so they wouldn’t be at the risk of accidentally seeing each other.

All of Miles’ closest friends were there, except for Alex, who didn’t even confirm his attendance. Miles was certainly upset because of that, but he didn’t want it to ruin his day. It wasn’t fair to him neither to Alan.

His friends were getting in and out of the room all of the time, but somehow there was a moment that he found himself alone.

He started making his tie knot in front of the mirror, his smile was gone while he hummed the melody for ‘I’ll follow the sun’. The song reminded him of Alex, not that he needed a reminder, for sure he didn’t need it. He didn’t know why he started humming that song specifically until he saw a slender figure sat on a chair in the dark corner of his room.

“I was thinkin' of that song.” The deep familiar voice spoke, and Miles grinned immediately.

“Ye came!” Miles said walking towards the figure already opening his arms to embrace Alex. But as the figure became clear, now in the sunlight, he could see Alex was crying.

Miles face fell as he hugged the other man every so affectionate. “What’s wrong?” He whispered in Alex ear.

Alex was sad and he was more drunk than usual. Miles held him close to his body, and the other man’s tears soaked his before impeccable suit. Still Miles wouldn’t let him go.

“Please don’t marry 'im.” Alex begged. Miles sighed unhappily, his heart shattering on the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. It surely didn’t feel like that with a crying Alex in his arms.

“Nobody thinks you’re gay anymore, you’re safe. I read the headlines saying ye wouldn’t attend me wedding because you were a homophobic, so…quite the opposite of being gay.” Miles chuckled raising an eyebrow. Making jokes was what he knew best, and he wanted to make Alex laugh. This time he wasn’t at all successful though.

“I luv ya.” He said nuzzling Miles neck leaving a soft peck on his skin. "Don’t marry 'im.” Alex said making the hug more loose to cup Miles' face.

Miles wanted to yell at him, and to fight him for coming to his wedding trying to stop it. But he also wanted to kiss him, and to love him…

Soon Miles collected himself.

“Would ye marry me Al?” Miles asked with his big loving eyes filled with tears. He knew the answer, but he asked anyway. Hope is a bitch.

“We could go back to datin' secretly…” Alex answered. Miles could tell he was embarrassed of what he was offering, and well, he should.

Miles let Alex go of his arms.

“That man in the other room, wants to spend the rest of his life with me Alex. He loves me.” Miles paused for just a second. “And I love him.” Miles swallowed the imminent urge to fall apart with a gulp.

Alex shook his head and faced down at his dirty shoes, he wasn’t really dressed for the event, in the end he wanted the event to not happen. “Ya don’t love me anymore…” He sobbed and the sob stabbed Miles. Miles didn’t plan on telling Alex the truth. Miles could have easily let Alex think he moved on completely, but between the devastated look on Alex's face and the love he carried for Alex, there was no option but to open his big mouth.

“Unfortunately Alex…” He hesitated. "I still love ye. Think I always will...” His love for Alex wasn’t something he could pretend to not exist when it was already overflowing the entire room. Miles started pacing nervously, he knew that if Alex pressured him hard enough he would crack, and Alan didn’t deserve that. Miles didn’t plan on leaving Alan at the altar, the only man who ever stuck around through his big personality and annoying habits.

“Can I ‘ave a last kiss?” Alex's eyes pleaded for a kiss, but Miles felt he needed that kiss even more. He was about to become a married man, and he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he wouldn’t be able to kiss Alex anymore, ever. The thought was daunting.

Miles stepped forward closer to Alex and locked their lips together with all the desire of years of longing and many years to come of being taken by somebody else. He had almost forgot how soft Alex’s lips were and how his tongue most commonly tasted of wine and cigarettes.

Miles clutched Alex’s shirt firmly slipping his hands underneath it, tenderly stroking his hips with his thumbs. He brought Alex’s closer and closer until their crotches met and they ground on each other as they kissed. The natural movements felt so right that Alan was long forgot in that other room.

Alex was rejoicing on Miles' lips, he had been missing Miles for so long and so intensely he even forgot how to breathe. If that kiss wouldn’t kill him, nothing could.

Alex got every second of that opportunity to explore Miles body again with his hands and with his lips. Kissing every part of Miles’ exposed skin.

It was supposed to be a last kiss, but Alex felt it wasn’t. Alex felt it was a promise. He felt that if Miles was bold enough to kiss him at his wedding venue on his wedding day he would always yield. He felt that there wouldn’t be ever a last kiss between them, that their lips were made to connect.

Miles thought otherwise, he wanted to be true to Alan.

When they finally pulled away, Alex smiled softly with a victorious gaze and Miles knew he was fucked. He knew he would carry Alex like a ghost attached to his heart and soul until his final day on earth, maybe even after that. Miles mustered a sad smile.

“Missed ya…” Alex said kissing Miles skin on his neck, and moving to press their foreheads together, hand on the back of Miles’ head. “Missed every inch of ya…” He resumed. But to Miles immense surprise he pulled away and walked up to the door of the small room, turning back only to make the most important question there was to be made. “Are ya ‘appy?”

Miles, who was already facing the other way, sighed hardly in relief. He turned to face Alex. ”I’m as ‘appy as I could ever be without ya.”

So Alex must well let him be.

***

Miles thought Alex had left, but in reality he stayed in the room next to where the ceremony was being held. He had a view of Miles from there, and he was determined to stay until the end of the ceremony.

It was luck what made Matt find him, since he was absolutely sure Alex could end up making a scene if left alone. But Alex didn’t want to do that, he wanted Miles to be happy, even if that didn’t include him. He was devastated nonetheless, but he was the only one to blame for this result, he was well aware of that. He chose to let Miles go for the peace of mind of not being called the faggot of the Monkeys. He was knowingly weak.

Miles on the other hand was so brave…The though itself made Alex heart quiver.

Alex thought it was impossible to love him even more, but he couldn’t help but to fall deeper in love with him when he should had been doing exactly the opposite.

***

Miles was crying heavily waiting for Alan to walk down the isle. Everyone in the room mistook his tears for emotion and happiness but his tears were nothing but the pure pain of letting Alex go.

Alex decided to see everything as in order to believe Miles was going to be somebody else's husband. He wouldn’t be able to believe it if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes. He was about to pay a high price for that.

There was one moment, after the official ceremony had come to an end, when someone handed over Miles his Fender. Alex's heart sank. The guitar was gifted to Miles by Alex when they were just young friends, at that point anyway.

He let out an almost too loud sob when Miles subtly slid his fingers through the secret engraving Alex had it done on the back of it. Miles smile faded for a moment but Alex was the only one who could tell the reason why. Miles was thinking of him.

Miles started playing and singing for Alan. It was one of his new songs Alex had never heard before. It was about how he had find the light with Alan after the dark he was in, the chorus went as follows:

_Suddenly you were there to rescue me,_

_From the dark place I'd been in_

_You are the real thing_

_We are the real thing_

_Destined to exist_

_I found love, I found you_

_You’re my light, you’re my truth_

_We're meant to be_

_Meant to be..._

Alex is his darkness and his lie then, Alex thought. Not meant to be.

How could he have tried to stop Miles' happiness like that? What a selfish bastard he was…but then again, seeing Alan holding Miles’ beautiful hands and kissing Miles’ delicate lips when they declared them husband and husband, couldn’t take away the ‘He is mine!’ sentence off of his head. Immediately, that moment they shared in the small groom room, wasn’t nearly as intimate than what he was witnessing. Ironically, Miles’ wedding day had been the worse day of Alex's life.

Alex cried harder during the wedding vows. Matt, hugged him close during the whole part, he were not to leave Alex to deal with that heartbreak alone.

‘Forever’…said Miles vows to Alan. That sounded like a hell lot of time.

***

The ceremony was over and Miles and Alan had left the room along with the guests.

Matt stayed behind with Alex.

“Are ya gonna be o'reyt?” Matt asked patting Alex’s shoulder. A few tears were lingering on his own eyes, moved by his friend's pain.

“I made a huge mistake.” Alex spoke overwhelmed in distress, still shedding a few tears and moving to hug Matt tightly.

“We never know what the future holds Al. If that was necessary for ya to see things clearer, so be it.” He smiled sadly sympathetically. “Take it for meself. I married Breana, I got divorced, I married Breana again…and now we 'ave another baby on the way. We never know.”

Alex remained silent. Admittedly, he missed Miles even more after he had promised to love and to cherish someone else until death do them part.

How could he had been so reckless as far as to lose him? It’s not like he had ever doubted his feelings for him for a second. Well, he couldn’t put his finger on it. Stupidity…that was the only explanation.

This present moment wasn’t anything like his past self had imagined the future. So now that he was imagining a gloom one, he was left to hope that he would be proved wrong once again.


	2. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles and Alan are in the honeymoon period, when someone shows up bearing gifts.

There hadn’t been a day that Alan had cooked without Miles’ wrapped around his waist, asking for his cuddles and attention. Kisses would be sloppily placed on Alan’s neck until the point he would drop the utensils to turn and hug Miles properly, answering to his silent pleads.

Feather like touches, tender kisses and whispered ‘I love you’s’ were what summarised how their relationship had been since the wedding. No mattering if the house was full or empty, with friends or not, they were always very much affectionate with each other.

The marriage made them even more close. It brought a welcomed sense of belonging and completeness Miles had never felt before. Like he was wanted and loved for exactly who he was. That certainly felt like paradise.

Simple, true, drama free.

It was a warm evening in July, they had just got back from their two months honeymoon and the corny phase didn’t look anything near its end. Miles and Alan were happily setting the table for dinner when something threatened to shake that stability.

Miles was laying the last piece of cutlery on the table when there was a bashful knock on the door. Miles heart seemed to have a life of his own when it pounded like crazy recognising the sound.

Shit!

“Would you get the door babe?” Alan asked heading to the kitchen to grab the food and take to the table.

“Eh…Yeah…” Miles was confused, tormented even. He knew it was Alex at the door.

Miles walked slowly towards the front door, terrified of having both Alan and Alex in the same room for the first time. Truth be told, he didn’t know what Alex was doing here, he didn’t contact Miles after the wedding at all. Miles had been missing him a lot, an old habit that it was now printed in his DNA.

His hand on the door knob was clammy, he inhaled deeply before turning it open.

“‘ello…” Said Alex unsure. He was nervous as well, Miles could tell. There was an errant manner in the way he was standing. He was dressed all in black with sunglasses on, holding a white box in his hands. His hair freshly washed and his face newly shaved, just like Miles liked it.

“Alex!” Miles exclaimed with a smile. Suddenly all the severances looked like a blur on the horizon. He pulled the man into a tight hug, careful to not smash the box or his friend for that matter. Alex couldn’t help but to lose himself in Miles scent, while the man embraced him with his bare chest. Alan had told Miles to put a shirt on, but he stubbornly refused it to wear it until was actually time to eat. It was a very hot summer after all.

“Who is it Mi?” Alan's voice was heard coming from the kitchen. Alex squirmed at the nickname, but he tried to keep a soft face mostly for Miles’ sake.

“Ye won’t believe it. It’s Alex!” Maybe Miles shouldn’t have sounded so happy and excited but he did sound precisely like how he was feeling. Alex was here! Sure there was more than excitement to it, a bit of worrying still, but as soon as Miles saw Alex’s face and sweet smile, everything other than happiness felt unimportant and pointless. Miles stepped to the side to make room for Alex to come in, what he did reluctantly. He suddenly felt like a sheep being led directly to the wolves.

Slowly Alan came from the kitchen with a hot pot in his oven gloved hands, which he carefully and calmly placed on the table. He then turned to look at Alex. His face unimpressed.

Alan wasn’t a great fan of Alex, but he didn’t hate the guy per se. The fact that Miles had a history with him, and not just any history, but a hell of a history full of passion and heartbreak bother Alan to an extent that he would not admit to. Miles was his husband not Alex’s anyway, so that should suffice.

Out of his no-limited-politeness Alan smiled, removed his oven gloves and extended his hand to shake Alex’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Alex grabbed Alan’s hand firmly, as to mark his territory. “Alan right?” Alex joked glancing at Miles with a smirk on his face.

Miles in the mean time, was split between looking at Alan for his reaction and looking at Alex for his reaction.

“Yes, Miles’ husband.” Alan added sternly, taking a hand to his own hips and waiting to see where that all was going.

Miles looked attentively at Alex, looking for any giveaways on how he was feeling. Alex giggled looking down, because even thought he had glasses on he didn’t want them to see how bothered he got when Alan said he was Miles’ husband.  
 _Right there Alex! That smile…not authentic…at all!_

_Shit!_

“Well…” Miles broke the silence but not the ice. “I 'ope you are staying for dinner, 'cause me 'usband 'ere is a fucking Cordon Bleu Chef and made us something very special tonight. Right babe?” He said hugging Alan close and pecking him on the lips. Alan’s hand landed on top of Miles’ arse, protective.

Alex felt inappropriate, he couldn’t even make scrambled eggs. Also the peck really bother him. Miles’ kisses were supposed to be his only, and he wasn’t even gonna start on Miles’ arse. Pretending had never been so hard.

_Right there Alex…again! I can see you are bothered!_ As far as telepathy could go, Miles told it to Alex with a gaze. Alex of course understood every unspoken word.

“I…I…I d-dunno, I just c-came to give ya a wedding gift.” He said handing Miles the white box, making Miles let Alan go of his arms. Alex smiled at that one small victory.

“It's simple really…I didn’t know what to buy, so…I bought a lot of stuff. This is the first one.” He said facing the floor, not really comfortable to face Miles or Alan.

“What?” Miles said puzzled looking at Alex and at Alan. Only Alex didn’t look confused at all.

“Yeah, they’ll keep comin' this week. I’m sorry, it’s been two months already.” Not that Alex is counting. “Just now I’m turnin' up with a gift, that’s so inconsiderate of me.” He brings a hand to his chest and almost took a bow earning a laugh from Miles and a timid smile from Alan.

Miles opened the box and revealed its contents. Two crystal champagne glasses with a 'M' engraved in one of them, and an 'A' engraved in the other.

_Shit!_

Alan naively appreciated the gesture, thinking that Alex was trying to be Miles’ friend again. He would have to endeavour to like Turner. He knew he was important to Miles, and although Miles seemed happy without Alex around, he had never seen his current smile before today.

'For Miles.’ He thought. “Alex, please have dinner with us.” Alan invited sincerely.

Alex nodded.

Who is the sheep now?


	3. Turnerstorm

Alex kept his promise and the gifts kept being delivered non-stop. It was a new coffee machine, a new wine cooler, bottles of expensive wine to fill the wine cooler, a new high-end home cinema system, etc, etc, etc. The gifts kept coming until the day Alan said he wouldn’t accept the delivery.

“But it’s a grand piano!” Miles argued in vain moving his hands frantically. Alan could almost believe he was in the verge of tears.

“That's exactly why we can’t accept it! It would take the whole living room Miles.” Alan explained the obvious. The piano wouldn’t even make it through the door, it would have to go in through the window.

“But…but…” Miles eyes had gone sadder. ‘It’s a gift from Alex.’ He thought without saying it. ‘And it’s a grand piano…’ He kept it for himself again. “But it’s so beautiful…” He ended up saying out loud with puppy eyes. Alan almost gave in looking at Miles' disappointed face watching the piano being put away in the back of the lorry.

“I know baby, I know…I’m so sorry.” Alan said giving Miles a hug and kissing his forehead sweetly. Miles held him back shedding a solitary tear . “Please tell Alex to stop. We’ve got a lot of things already, he doesn’t need to do all that.” Alan whispered in Miles ear.

“I will.” He nodded sadly, pecking Alan on the lips and running to talk to the delivery guy, who was already inside of the lorry ready to leave. Alan watched carefully but he was unable to hear the conversation. Before the guy took off, Alan could see Miles giving him some money.

Miles couldn’t let the piano go that easily, so he gave the delivery guy the address to his storage unit, and some money for the extra trouble.

“What was that money for?” Alan asked suspicious when Miles came back to the front door clearly happier.

“A tip…for the trouble.” Miles said and Alan frowned narrowing his eyes.

“Sure…” He mumbled pretending to believe the rubbish excuse Miles threw at him. Sometimes, he thought, it just feels right to let it go.

***

“Hey…” Miles said sweetly on the phone. “Are ye alright?” He fidgeted with his shirt pacing nervously in his living room.

“I am…indeed…” Alex answered elongating every word. “I see ya’ve got the piano!” He said excited. Miles couldn’t help but to sigh heavily.

“Yeah…'bout that…” How he should tell that to Alex without hurting his feelings when even his own feelings were hurt? He decided on telling the truth. “The grand piano is beautiful Aly, but I had to send it to me storage unit. Alan thinks…eh…we think is way too big for our living room.” He changed from 'Alan' to ‘we' to not throw Alan under the bus on that. He agreed the piano was way too big anyway.

Alex was quiet on the other side of the line, and Miles chest was contracting and smashing his big heart. “Aly…” He called.

“Eh…that’s fine Mi…” Alex eventually answered. "One day ya’ll ‘ave a bigger house and ya can ‘ave the piano in the livin' room.” Yes, when Miles moved in with him, of course. “Did ya like it?”

Miles let out a breath of relief. “Are ya kidding? I loved it. It is so beautiful Al…” 'Just like you’ he wanted to say, instead he stuck to the plan of asking Alex to stop sending gifts. “But darling…eh…ye must stop sending us gifts, there are way too many already.” Miles said it quickly and waited anxiously for an answer.

“That was the last one love, don’t worry your pretty ‘ead.” Why Alex calling Miles 'love' felt so heartwarming? Miles shook his thoughts off of his head. “A grand piano for the grand finale…” Both laughed at Alex’s bad joke. "…guess I was apologising for being…eh…’tha knows…a jerk…” He said writing down in a piece of paper ’Cancel all Mi gifts.’

Now more relaxed Miles laughed wholeheartedly earning even more chuckles from Alex, best sounds to ever exist, if Miles was ever asked about it. “No need for apologising for who ye are.” He said in a funny voice to make it clear that it was supposed to be a joke and not an offence. “Ye’ve always been a jerk, ye’ll always be a jerk.” Both of them broke in laughter, the one that makes your belly hurts.

A comfortable silence settled for what felt like a whole minute, until Alex spoke. “Love ya!”

“Love ye too…” Miles said like if it was nothing, when it actually was everything.

***

They had been hanging out a lot lately, mostly on Miles and Alan’s house. They were up until very late one night, drinking, laughing and playing music together. Alan was sound asleep, or at least they thought he was.

“Ya sing now! Ya do it!” Alex said encouraging Miles to sing one of their old songs that was used to be sung by Alex.

“Ok, ‘ere it goes!” He took a deep breath to hit the top note. “Teeenneeeesseeeee!!!” He shouted very very loud, and both started laughing like two intoxicated teenagers.

“Ye right! That was liberating!” Miles said laughing. He always hated that song, even though he had to play it over and over again for all of their TLSP gigs. But something about yelling Tennessee told him otherwise. Taylor was long gone in Alex’s life anyway, the song was now just for fun.

They looked at each other synchronising their thoughts to then give the song another try. “Teeeenneeesseeeeee!!!!” Both of them sang in unison with all the air in their lungs, then laughed until their chest hurt because of the lack of oxygen.

They stopped to breathe for a moment, wiping off the tears of laughter both had lingering in the corner of their eyes. Abruptly they had the exact same idea as they reached for the pillows to start a pillow fight.

As they hit each other with the soft animal printed pillows, they heard the tinkling sound of feet meeting the bottles of wine on the floor. They both looked up just to see a very upset Alan at the door with the worse annoyed face he could ever worn.

“For fuck’s sake! It’s two in the fucking morning! You two are insufferable!” He was angry like never before, Miles was clearly a bit scared of him, widening his eyes in surprise.

“Chill man, we’re 'aving some fun, join us!” Alex invited in face of how quiet Miles was, just there watching the scene astonished.

“Do you know what time a chef wakes up Turner? Four am! Four in the fucking morning. That means I have just two hours of sleep, if I’m lucky.”

“Hey babe, we’ll keep it down, we promise." Miles finally spoke putting a finger on his own lips and making a shush sound. “Isn’t that true Alex?” He asked and Alex nodded. However Alan was pissed off already with the bohemians drinking and singing non-stop in his house during the wee hours.

“Get out of my house!” He shouted, but since nobody moved he shouted again. “Now!”

“But it’s the middle of the night!” Miles argued but the upcoming answer was more logical than his argument.

“If he can come here in the middle of the night, he can well go back to his house at this hour.” Alan sighed frustrated.

Alex got up in silence and Miles got up to follow him. “Where do you think you’re going?” Alan said holding Miles by the arm.

“Out. Ye made yourself clear.” He answered non-nonchalantly.

“That was just for Turner. You live here and you’re coming to bed with me.” As Alan was finishing the sentence, they heard the front door slamming shut.  
Miles regretted not following Alex, but then again he would regret the other scenario even more.

***

It had been days since Alan kicked Alex out of their house. Miles had been awfully quiet ever since. He was smoking in the living room when Alan told him that the dinner was ready. Miles just turned to face Alan and nodded, indicating he would be right there in a moment. He had been lost in his thoughts, missing Alex silly games, adorable laugh and his presence in general. Miles couldn’t dream of telling Alan that he was missing Alex like crazy. It wouldn’t be prudent to give Alan ammunition to suspect that there was more than friendship between him and Alex, so he kept it for himself. On the other hand Alan wasn’t that daft, he knew Miles was missing Alex.

“He hasn’t called you yet, huh?” Alan asked.

“Nope…” Miles answered sadly with his eyes on his plate. He hadn’t been eating much, and now he was just poking the food with his fork.

“That’s it, I’m calling him.” Alan said getting up of his place at the table and grabbing Miles' phone.

“What?” Miles seemed puzzled, but Alan was already pressing the call button.

He waited for someone to pick it up. “It's not Mi, it’s Alan.” He said.

Miles could hear some commotion but couldn’t tell exactly what Alex’s was saying. “No, no, Miles is fine, he’s right next to me. Turner, I’m sorry for kicking you out, I was tired and grumpy.”

Miles waited expectant, big eyes on Alan’s face.

“Dinner Friday night at seven. Bring your girl.” And with that he ended the call.

“And…?” Miles asked Alan sheepishly.

“You can eat now, he is not upset anymore.” Alan returned to his position at the table and Miles could finally appreciate the food.

***

“I can’t believe he’s done that!” Heather laughed amused by the story Miles and Alan were telling them at the dinner table.

“Oh! He did! I swear! We were at this bar in Mexico, and there was this band playing and Miles just walked to the small stage and started singing 'Can’t Take My Eyes off You’ looking right at me with the most infatuated face.” Alan said excited and Miles nodded in agreement.

“Yeah it’s true. I couldn’t resist, Alan was the prettiest guy in that room and I couldn’t believe he was me husband.” Miles said with a squeal giving Alan a passionate kiss. On the opposite side of the table Alex rolled his eyes to the back of his head. Maybe he would be sick right here, right now. Hopefully God would help him.

But just like if things weren’t dreadful enough Miles started reliving that moment singing to Alan while holding his hand affectionately. Soon all of them joined the singing “Taran taran tararan tan.” All of them except Alex, that kept being taciturn. “Taannnnn…”

“I love you baby and if it's quite all right, I need you baby…” They kept singing cheerfully.

“Babe, just tell them that story.” Alex interrupted abruptly. Everyone looked at him disappointed for a second since they were all having a lot of fun singing. But shortly they wanted to hear the said story. “That one in France.” Alex looked flushed and desperate. He gestured with his head for Heather to start and she did.

“Well, it was the most romantic thing ever.” Heather eyes shone at the memories. “Alex took me to this small town in France, and in the middle of the night the sky was filled with stars.” Miles was losing his smile word by word. “He woke me up and we went outside in completely darkness.” Alex chuckled softly and looked at Miles like if he was saying ‘Ya've hurt me, now I hurt you.’ “We have just this blanket and although it was Summer it was chilly.” Miles at this point just was downing a glass of wine to swallow the lump in his throat, he felt like crying. “We stayed in the middle of this huge field with our blanket, kissing, making love, looking at the stars and naming them.” Miles hissed almost inaudibly. ‘Touché’, Alex thought. “Alex told me that day his love for me was infinite like the universe.” Alan’s aw was heard clearly. Miles was in silence. Alex kissed Heather passionately on the lips.

Alex was not only replacing him, but he was replacing their memories. Miles cherished all of those nights in France, kissing, making love and naming stars with Alex. Certainly now he was a married man, but the memories were something he considered untouchable. His eyes were glossy with tears he wouldn’t let out not even through torture. Miles took a deep breath and held the bottle of wine in his hand. “Do you want some more, Al?”

“Yeah, please.” Alex said with a distinctive smirk on his face, feeling victorious, not even dreaming about the blow that was yet to come.

“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to Alan.” Miles said nonchalantly and Alan immediately frowned.

Alex was paralysed with whatever had just hit him, he felt dizzy like if he was about to faint. He slowly got up, excusing himself and heading out. “I'll be reight back.”

He never did.

They eventually called Heather a cab, they said their goodbyes and closed the front door.

“Don’t ever use me to get to Turner again.” Alan said looking Miles in the eyes. “And don't even think of starting calling me the way you call him.” With that he just headed upstairs and Miles broke into tears.


	4. Trouble in Paradise

“What?!!” Alex said rudely opening the door and facing Miles. It wasn’t clear if he already knew it was Miles at door or if he was just way too upset to be polite to anyone.

A whole week had passed without any contact with Alex. Although it was hard to admit, Miles was dying inside. It wasn’t Alan’s fault this time so it was up to him to show up at Alex’s house and apologise for the mess he made. At least Alan forgave him quickly after a couple of days of endearment from Miles.

“Can I come in Al?” Miles asked looking at Alex through the gap on top of his sunglasses. The craving and the longing for Alex were immeasurable by now, so much he couldn’t help but to smile. After all Alex was right here, and that was enough. However, that smugness on Miles’ face was only making Alex angrier. He looked behind him. “I dunno, are ya really talkin' to me?”

Miles just stepped inside the house making his way by pushing Alex slightly to the side. Alex frowned and pouted, still he wasn’t really objecting to Miles coming in. Maybe the longing and the craving worked both ways, but soon Miles thoughts collapsed when Alex slammed the door behind him making the whole house shake. Miles flinched but didn’t turn. He walked into an empty living room. “Where's Heather?” He asked.

“Somewhere in Europe…dunno…don’t care…” He shrugged. “What do ya want?” Alex leaned against the door frame nonchalantly, arms crossed on his chest waiting for Miles to justify his unwanted presence in his house.

“To apologise.” Maybe trying to touch Alex was a mistake, yet he reached for Alex’s hand, grabbing it softly. Alex was quick to drew back, although he did lift an eyebrow in surprise. He scoffed passed the shock. “You call 'im 'Al'.” He shook his head. “I was so naive thinkin’ ya’d never forget me.” His grip on his arm got tighter as he slowly curved into a standing semi ball.

Miles felt the urge to hug Alex’s pout away, but cautiously he stayed back. “I don’t…I mean…I don’t call 'im 'Al'…” He shook his head as he walked to the centre of the room, taking his sunglasses off and placing them on the coffee table. “It were a one time thing.”

Alex laughed scornfully but looked more cheered up. “To 'urt me ya mean?” Having Miles calling Alan 'Al' spontaneously was way more painful than Miles deliberately doing it to get to him. That meant that he cared. He chuckled to himself and sat on the couch lighting up a cigarette, unhurriedly. He played with the smoke making it look like a spiral in the air. Miles just looked at him attentively, borderline staring as he bit his own lower lip. Sometimes the whole idea of what comprised Alex Turner was a hell of a mystery to him, some other times he looked as transparent as clean water. The reasons behind Alex calmness and his smiley face though, were beyond Miles’ grasp.

“Yeah..To 'urt ye…” He confessed. ”Can ye blame me?” He said walking with long steps to sit next to Alex, making the distance between them so minimum to actively make his head spin. “Ye were erasing me…” He whispered torturously. “…with all that bullshit with the stars Al. Fuck!” He muttered and faced down, his hands through his hair. He couldn’t fathom why would he be that upset when he was married to someone else. He couldn’t understand even who he was really jealous of, certainly not of poor Heather, or any other girlfriend Alex ever had.

“That were already a retaliation for the 'Can’t Take My Eyes off You’ thingy…” He said flicking his cigarette on the ash tray and taking another long drag of it.

“No, no!” He snapped.” It could’ve been retaliation if, and only if, that story 'adn’t 'appened before the singing at me dinner table. But it did happened before…Innit?” He sighed unable to look at Alex, still painfully heartbroken, as for the question it was rhetorical. He shouldn’t feel this way, but still he couldn’t help it. When it came to Alex he had his hands tied, his eyes blinded and his brain dumbed down.

“It were reight after your fuckin' weddin'!” Alex snapped putting out his cigarette angrily. He got up leaving Miles behind and headed to the kitchen having his back to him. Miles followed him right afterwards. “Where do ye think ye're going?” He called. “We're not done 'ere.”

He turned to face Miles, shattering him with one piercing look. ”Do ya even know 'ow much it 'urt, huh? Do ya?” Alex shouted, panting as the air got thicker. Miles looked confused yet feeling all the pain that was flying through the air directly aimed at him.

Drenched in emotion Alex jumped Miles, with his hands on his shoulders pushing him forward until his back had met the wall. Miles eyes were widened in amazement. He didn’t fight back, if anything he was longing for Alex touch, even when angry. Alex clutched his shoulders firmly as they gaze into each other’s eyes. Miles slowly raised his hands bashfully to Alex’s waist, touching softly as if it they were not meant to be there - he knew they really weren’t.

"Do ya know 'ow much it still do?” Alex's eyes were tinted in pain and adoration, and Miles found himself leaning in, closer and closer, like responding to this magnetic force, either that or he was being sucked by Alex's black holes for eyes. The familiar burning in the pit of their stomachs were an undeniable sign that their emotions were getting the better of them. They were convinced of that when they had fallen into the trap of alternating between looking at the other’s lips and looking into the other's eyes. Alex wetted his lips loosening his grip on Miles, while Miles' grip on Alex was only tightening. Alex leaned on Miles' shoulder and quivered letting out a moan of pleasure for finally being in Miles’ arms. His warm breath hit Miles’ skin delicately and Miles shivered in response.

It was too much. It was way too much.

It was Alex that ultimately couldn’t resist, lifting his head up to lock their lips together in a urgent motion. A blast of love that had been suppressed for way too long immediately filled the room. Miles kissed him back with an open mouth and eager kiss, cupping Alex’s face and digging his hair locks with his fingers. Their tongues were finally in the right place, while their eyes remained open, looking fiercely into the other's, taking in every feeling there was there to be taken, every breath, every fluid, every moaning. As Alex closed his eyes surrendering completely, deepening the kiss with all his ardour, Miles pulled away, suddenly regretting doing that to Alan.

To reject Alex was extremely hard, he didn’t even know where the strength came from. He couldn’t believe that he stopped it before they were shagging like two bunnies on the kitchen countertop. “I can’t…” He whispered mournfully. As they parted, Miles gave Alex a devoted Eskimo kiss, a reminiscent of their intimacy, a reminiscent of their lives that in some weird parallel world would carry the same characteristics of five years ago. That was who Miles was jealous of, he finally cracked it. He was jealous of himself, he was jealous of thirty years old Miles.

“No…please…” Alex whispered back in a begging tone. His thumbs on Miles’ face, stroking it softly. “We love each other…please…” He tried to kiss Miles again, Miles dodged.

“That doesn’t make it right Aly…” With that Miles let go of Alex and started looking for something alcoholic. “I need a drink.” He could only survive this drunk, he thought.

“I need summat stronger than tha’…” Alex said still weak on his knees from the kiss and the rejection.

“Two drinks then…” He grinned. “Let's just drink 'til we pass out!” He laughed to light the mood. Alex could only give him a pathetic half smile.

***

They drank, a lot and too much! However, they manage to not pass out.

They were lying in bed together, how they had done a thousand times before. Miles didn’t even remember how they made here. They were clearly too drunk to come upstairs. Alex was laughing at nothing, and apart from that there was this comfortable silence between them, like if they were frozen in time. Miles had his eyes open looking at the ceiling. He could swear the walls were spinning, but something was making him feel as grounded as I ever. It took him a while to process the information, his drunken head was awfully sluggish, he eventually registered that what was grounding him was Alex. Somehow his mind was emptied and refilled with Alex only. His lips curled up without warning. His hand moved down feeling the sheets until he reached Alex’s hand. He entwined their fingers together with ease, and with his thumb he stroked the back of the other man's hand.

Alex looked down at their hands entwined and softly smiled. Miles turned to face Alex. “Ye're so pretty…me prince…” With his free hand he stroked Alex’s cheek. Alex tilted his head, leaning into the touch, giving Miles’ hand a soft kiss. “Ya’re the prettiest.” Alex answered.

They had been listening to Bowie all night, at least the parts of the night they could remember. ‘Modern Love’ was on now and led by Alex, both sang along to the last bits of the song. It warmed Miles’ heart seeing Alex singing next to him, holding his hand and smiling again. He loved him so much, he thought, but the only thing he let its way out was a moan and a fool-infatuated-and-ridiculous-face. Alex was incredibly drunk, but he could still enjoy the moment lying there with Miles by his side. Maybe he was daydreaming, he thought.

It was when 'Moonage Daydream’ came on that the ambiance started to change. Alex was softly humming the song and Miles went back to staring at the ceiling.

That song…

“What's up?” Alex asked looking close at Miles’ features.

“Why?” Miles asked sorrowfully, turning to face Alex once again and looking into his glossy eyes. There were tears on the edges of his own.

“Why what?” Alex asked childishly and bewildered.

“Why would ye ever leave me?” He couldn’t even tell that he was already crying until he opened his mouth and the voice let out was trembling. If alcohol made people more candid, it also made his love more conspicuous and unbearable. Song wasn’t really helping either, it had way too much history to it.

“I'm a jerk…ya said it yourself.” Alex chuckled yet the tears in his eyes spoke loads.

“I love ye…” Miles said moving to make the gap between them almost disappear. “I need ye so much.” His free hand clutched at Alex waist firmly, his face completely wet.

Alex didn’t need to be told twice, he was on top of him in a blink of an eye. Their kisses were chaotic at first according to how plastered they were, but still they didn’t lack the most important.

Miles grasped Alex’s body firmly against his, who ground him eagerly in return. Years of distance collided into this absurd amount of energy, energy that seemed to had one purpose only.

Miles couldn’t think, he just wanted Alex, his Alex, right here and right now. It had been three years apart from him, three long and miserable years. There had been a time that Miles thought that this thing between them was long gone, history. That they would never be together again. But he had finally been proved wrong, this was just as perfect as he imagined it would be. Except that they were drunk, so drunk and Miles wanted to remember it all.

“We're so drunk baby…” Miles moaned into the kiss. Alex just kept enthusiastically kissing him, choosing to ignore any attempt on breaking the moment. “I miss ya..” He mumbled. “I need ya..”

At first their hands were everywhere, but soon enough their focus started to sharpen like a laser. Miles’ hands slid down Alex’s back until they got to the man’s arse, which he grabbed firmly pulling him closer. Alex had his hands on Miles’ chest, sliding down slowly until they reached the man’s cock. Miles groaned at the contact, biting Alex’s earlobe and descending slowly to his preferred spot on his neck. Alex whimpered as Miles sucked it there.

“Ye're always so 'ot…” Miles whispered, his breath leaving a signature on Alex’s skin. “Lemme make love to ye…Al…” Miles slurred it out and Alex grinned nodding and saying a shy “Yes..” granting Miles permission to do whatever to him. Miles wasted no time bringing his hand to Alex’s waistband reaching for the man’s entrance. He pushed one of his fingers inside making Alex squirm on top of him. Miles knew exactly what to do to Alex and when to do it. It was so easy, it was natural, it was so right. Somehow it was blurred that it was also cheating.

They sloppily started undressing. Pieces of clothes were being dropped carelessly everywhere until they were finally naked. At the feeling of their skins touching Miles sighed, his head propped up to meet Alex’s chest where he stayed. “Ye feel so good Aly…” Alex had his hands on Miles’ hair, caressing him like if he was made of sugar, afraid he would melt. Afraid that maybe that was a dream. Miles had a husband, that wasn’t him, it was somebody else, some other guy. Miles was there cheating on said husband with Alex. He couldn’t stop overthinking and wondering about what that meant to them.

Miles brought Alex close and flipped them with all his strength so he was on top. If he squinted hard enough he could see just one Alex, but multiple Alexes were even better.

“I think I’m way too drunk to do this…” Miles said not knowing what to do next, if he were to be honest just having Alex naked under him was already way too good to be true.

“We're never too wasted to fuck Mi.” Came the answer. Alex reached Miles' cock and Miles flinched in surprise and pleasure. “I'll get ya off babeh.” He lifted his head to kiss Miles tenderly on the lips, parting only to say “I love ya…"

They kissed ardently and lovingly. It was cheating, regardless how drunk he was he knew that, however it felt good and pure, chaste even. Like making love to Alex was a ritual more sacred than saying yes to someone else, more blessed than having your family there for a hollow ceremony. Miles felt married to Alex, like if he was cheating on him when he married someone else in the first place. That was an odd realisation, most certainly an intoxicated one, but he wanted Alex, and Alex only.

Miles pinned Alex down placing Alex’s hands up next to the headboard, holding them intensively, intertwining their fingers together. Alex’s moans amplified and hit the right pleasure spot in Miles’ brain, like if his voice had been programmed there to pry that reaction. Most commonly Miles would take the lead but considering his state, Alex set one of his hands free and started stroking their cocks together one more time. Miles focused on grinding their crotches.

“Miles…” Alex moaned his name and Miles shivered. Ironically, they couldn’t take their eyes off of each other.

“The way we make love babe…” Miles whispered, not even blinking, his forehead touching Alex's.

“Hmm?” He hummed panting.

“It's like coming ‘ome.” He pinned Alex’s more strongly and whimpered. “It’s so good.” If he wasn’t so drunk or if he wasn’t head over heels with Alex he would have resisted the temptation. But the combination of the two was explosive.

“Eh…Mi…” Miles name kept rolling out of Alex’s tongue repetitively, and Miles knew what that meant. “I'm so close babe…” With that Miles locked their lips together almost forcefully. Alex gave them just a few more strokes so they both came in Alex’s hand with a symphony of moans.

_Fuck, we harmonise beautifully even when cumming._

Miles fell over Alex, and stayed there. Alex had his eyes closed in a minute, giving in to the sleepiness, Miles couldn’t stop staring. He was almost sure Alex was asleep when he whispered the unthinkable in his love's ear. “Don’t leave me…”

***

He was the one who would leave. As soon as he woke up with a naked Alex entangled in his legs, his heart flipped. He stayed there for a while remembering whatever details he could recollect from the night before. It was morning and he spent the night out, he didn’t send Alan a text and he probably was freaking out, but still he couldn’t let go that soon. The way the sunlight projected itself on Alex’s skin, the freckles on his nose, his long lashes making shadows on his face, all made him look like the boy he fell in love with back in 2005. Love at first sight, well…second sight…and all the cliché. He knew he was the one from the start, sadly Alex couldn’t see the same.

He was way too physically connected to Alex, he couldn’t exactly move, or just didn’t want to, so he waited for another hour. Laying on his stomach, wrapped in Alex’s sheets, with Alex’s scent all around him, Miles just grinned like a kid on Christmas’ day. He knew he was scum now, but here was Alex, he couldn’t bring himself to regret it, not even sober.

He kissed the sleeping man slowly, trying to not wake him up. He wanted to stay here forever…He tried to memorise every bit of information there was on Alex’s body to be memorised. His hand stroked Alex’s skin softly, and his fingers still knew every curve by heart. To Miles, Alex was eternal.

He opened his eyes, slowly being hit by the light and bringing his hand to cover his face as he blinked in order to adapt.

“Al…” Miles whispered.

“Mmm…Mi…” Alex smiled when Miles image finally flashed his eyes, but Miles who had been stalling, taking in every part of Alex, couldn’t keep a smile any longer.

“I need to go 'ome.” He said. Alex frowned mistaking Miles' face for regret. Here is your home, he wanted to say, but ended up saying a frustrated “No…No…Don’t go back to ‘im.” He embraced Miles, resting his head on his chest. "Don’t ya love me?” It was hard to believe Miles was going back to Alan, especially after what happened. He didn’t expect a ring, but maybe a ‘I'm getting a divorce.’ wasn’t too much to ask.

Miles hesitated but again confessed. ”I do love ye…”

“So what’s wrong? Is it the sex? Is the sex better with ‘im?” Alex looked up at Miles expectantly. How Miles should tell him that no, it was not sex, it could never be the sex. How should he explain that sex with Alex had a level of love and intimacy he had never got with Alan, or anyone else for that matter.

“It's not about sex Al, it’s about being able to rely on someone.” That was what Alex was incapable of understanding, still it didn’t prevent Miles to say it and to bring Alex closer to him. Looking back at those clouded years, he knew every second counted.

“Ya can rely on me.” He said determined, Miles almost felt sorry for him.

“Ye know full well I can’t.” The melancholic smile left Alex without words or explanations. Miles was right.

They kissed one more time before Miles got up to clean himself, fetch his clothes, put them on and head "home".

“When can I see ye again?” Miles asked fully dressed and ready to go. Nothing would be the same again, if it ever was different than just that - Miles loved Alex with all his heart, and seeing him was his fuel.

“I'll come to yars later.” The home-wrecker smiled and winked. Miles kissed him again. He knew he had to leave, but that didn’t make it any easier to actually do it.

They held hands by the front door, and slowly slipped them away, leaving behind just this brush feeling. Miles smiled the crookedest smile in silence, just contemplating his Al.

"Love ya more" Alex said, knowing in his heart, that the not-so-much-of-a-confession was exactly what Miles had in mind.

***

A big advantage of being musicians was that they had a lot of free time. The Monkeys didn’t really tour anymore, seeing that Alex despised it and the days on the road only made him want to be high all the time. Miles on the other hand still L-O-V-E-D with all his heart to be on stage. As a newlywed, he had decided to take it easy though, turning gigs into a rare event for the current year.

Miles’ free time was supposed to be shared with Alan, yet Alan had to work. He had been relentlessly studying to open a new restaurant, it was pretty time consuming. That meant Miles would be alone all day, except when Alex would join him, which in reality meant he had been spending a lot of time with Alex. He was not the one to complain about that.

“Give us a kiss!” Alex said sitting next to him on the couch.

“Not ‘ere Al.” What his mouth denied it, his stubborn eyes asked for.

“Just a quick smooch.” Alex puckered his lips and Miles laughed. “Aly…” He warned him softly. “Ye're making this really ‘ard babe…” As Miles was about to get up from the couch for a cup of tea, Alex grabbed his wrist pulling him back. “Yesterday…and this morning…” He said. “It was amazin' Miles.” Miles only stared at him clenching his teeth anxiously. He gave in swiftly giving Alex his well sought after smooch. As they parted Alex added. “Leave ‘im.”

Miles sighed deeply. “Don’t ask me that when ye’d give me less than everything.”

Alex let Miles’ wrist go slowly as the other man stood up to grab them something to drink that may or may not be laced with alcohol.

***

Wrestling was one of their favourites way of playing. They loved to roll around battling for dominance to see who’d pin the other down. Miles knew wrestling moves pretty well but Alex was definitely naturally stronger than him, thus often he would end up on top.

“Gotcha!!” He chuckled. “Am yar top, ya said yarself.” He held Miles firmly between his thighs, arms on Miles’ chest, leaning in to restrain him. “'ave I ever told ya 'ow nice it was to 'ear ya admitting to it? Huh?” He enquired and Miles shook his head, the only part of his body that wasn’t neutralised.

“Loved it!!" He leaned in closer to Miles’ ear. “But am also yar bottom babeh…that weren’t clear in the song, innit?” He made a tutting sound. “Next time ya shout that to the world, let’s be more specific huh?” Miles nodded and gulped. He was embarrassingly hard and he could tell Alex was too. He adored when Alex pinned him down and had all the control over him.

He pretended to be uncomfortable, when the only thing really bothering him was that he couldn’t get any relief. “Lemme go now Al.” Alex shook his head. “Not that easy…Ya want freedom, wrestle yarself free.” He giggled.

“Lemme go, lemme go!” Miles was trying to wrestle free as told, but Alex was pretty heavy for someone so small, he was also putting enormous amount of strain in his arms, determined to win this one.

“Lemme go!” He shouted one more time. Nothing really unusual for them, however to someone outside their little game, that could have sounded like a cry for help.

They didn’t hear the door opening, neither the quick foot steps running towards the living room. Passing the seconds of relief from seeing that it wasn’t a burglar attacking Miles, Alan was just disappointed. Coming back home to a husband pinned down to the floor by his ex-boyfriend slash current "friend". A husband that did spend the night out without saying a word to him about it.

“We're just wrestling Alan!” Miles shouted but Alan was already gone, slamming their bedroom door shut.

Miles moved to follow Alan, but was held down. “Stay!” Alex whispered the command, his eyes dark and demanding. Miles complied obediently, in trance, he didn’t really fought it, just succumbed to it. Alex stroked Miles’ chest lovingly, showing him how much Miles was still in deep, if not completely buried in Alex.

“Eh…” He tried to say, although nothing came out. Alex kissed him softly on the cheek whispering in his ear. “Rest babeh…”

He would deal with Alan the next day, now the only thing messing with his head was Alex’s skin on his.

***

They slept on the couch, Miles was half sat and Alex was lying with his head on Miles’ lap. Alex had woken up first and had been looking attentively at Miles’ features, biting his bottom lip in concentration. Alex held one of Miles’ hand carefully to not wake the other.

Miles opened his eyes eventually, instantaneously smiling at the sight.

“Hi…” Alex whispered mirroring Miles’ grin, who sleepily replied. “Al…” His hands stroking Alex’s hair.

They heard a loud groan, glass shattering and a splash as Alan’s mug was dropped - more like thrown - to the floor. Hot coffee hit Miles’, some even got to Alex.

Alex reached for a glass of water on the coffee table pouring the content on Miles’ legs, trying to cool down his skin.

“Are ya insane?” Alex shouted. “Look at what ya did! Ya 'urt ‘im! I’m gonna fuckin' kill ya!” He trembled now seeing the aftermath of the hot coffee on Miles’ skin. The burns were on Miles’ calves and thighs, luckily they weren’t big or appeared grave. Miles panted and tears parked in the corners of his eyes.

Alan watched from a safe distance, his heart swelling on his chest, and his own legs spilled with coffee with no fresh water to cool them down. He didn’t mean to hurt Miles or himself for that matter, and he regretted it, he regretted immediately. He let the impulsivity and jealousy take control of his mind.

“Ya fuckin' 'urt my Miles!” Alex shouted not filtering his words, getting up from the couch and pushing Alan further away from Miles.

“Alex!” Miles called out. “Don’t.” However, Alex and Alan kept staring at each other angrily.

“He's not yours Turner! He’s mine! He is…” He paused. “…my husband! Not yours, mine!” Alan shouted, clearly trying to keep his head and not make things even worse.

“Tell ‘im Miles!” Alex said turning to look at Miles, who couldn’t bring himself to say anything, overwhelmed by the fighting. He only looked at Alex disapprovingly, he couldn’t possibly tell his husband that he belonged to Alex.

“I'm sorry that you weren’t man enough to marry him Alex, but now he's my husband.” Alan turned to Miles. “Baby…Please…” He didn't hold the tears any longer. ”I won’t put up with this anymore. I won’t kick him out either, you do it if you still want this marriage to work.” His shaking voice barely made the sentence.

Miles got up in silence and stumbled towards the kitchen for water. Alex halted him half way, Miles had no shoes on. “Careful, there’s glass everywhere.” He held Miles’ hand - _Don't worry your foot won't get cut_ \- leading him through a safe path. Alan just witnessed everything with a killing stare and soaked eyes, watching how Alex was playing the husband while he couldn’t even move.

“Al…” Miles looked at him. “Please go.”

Alex, who at this point had tears in his eyes, looked at him in disbelief. “No!” He shook his head. "Ya’re ‘hurt. I won’t leave you alone with ‘im.”

“He's me husband Al. He didn't ‘urt me on purpose.” ‘Also I deserved it, I’m a scum.’ He thought. “Please go.” He squeezed Alex’s hand reassuringly. “I'll be fine. They're small first-degree burns…please go.”

Alex placed a tender kiss to Miles’ hand. “Call me when ya’re done ‘ere, please.” Miles promised to call. Alex left not looking behind. If he did he might as well punch Alan in the middle of the face and lose Miles forever.

As soon as Alex stepped out, Alan headed to the kitchen suddenly regaining his walking and speaking abilities. “I'm so sorry Miles, I’m so sorry.” Alan fell to his knees next to Miles. “Please forgive me…I lost my mind…I…eh…It was impulsive, and stupid..please…I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you, my love, I’m so sorry.”

Miles kept the silence, his hand stroking Alan’s hair as he weeped. He thought how lucky he was to have a husband who liked coffee more to the lukewarm side, and how in fact it had been an accident. He was way too chummy with Alex on the couch, Alan could have thrown the coffee on him if he had abusive tendencies, but Alan was a sweetheart who couldn’t hurt a fly. Miles was so lucky to call Alan his.

“I can’t take it Miles…I know how you used to feel about him, I can’t do this.” How he still felt about him, actually. For a moment Miles thought Alan was leaving him, however that thought may had been too hasty. “Tell me what to do, 'cause it seems to me that I’m losing you.”

“Ye're not losing me babe.” Miles denied it.

“From the moment he came into our lives things have been so bad. I’m on edge all the time Miles.” Miles gave him a hand and helped him standing up, pulling him for a hug.

“Don’t worry ‘bout Alex…” He said it non convincingly. “Shhh…” He cooed.

“How? You’re always together! We've just come back from our honeymoon, I can’t take time off now.” He reasoned. “He’s always around and you’re always touching, Mi…I can’t compete with him…I can’t!”

Miles hugged Alan close, he knew what he meant, no one could ever compete with Alex.

“Ye don’t ‘ave to compete with 'im, he's just a friend.” ‘Liar’ Miles thought, but it felt cruel to tell Alan what happened the day before. No good would come from that. He would deliberately hurt him, especially if he opened up about how he felt about Alex. Miles didn’t want a divorce. He didn’t want to spend his days alone or to add one more failure to his list.

“I can’t ask you to stop seeing him, can I?” He looked at Miles hopefully. who fiercely shook his head. Of course he couldn’t ask him that, everything but that. “Okay…” He said accepting, deciding on the second option. A link, a forever link between the two of them. Something Alex would never have with Miles. Alan had been thinking a lot about that and he would rather ask it on a better day, but now was as good as ever. ”Let’s have a baby!” He said enthusiastically among tears, disguising the fear of losing Miles sat on his chest.

The worse mistake a couple could make was to choose to have a baby in order to save a marriage, especially a marriage who hadn’t reached its first anniversary. Nonetheless, neither Alan or Miles were aware of that simple rule.

The thought sank in Miles’ brain slowly. He had a soft spot for children, he had always had. That’s the first time someone was willing to parent with him and for him. He knew he had always wanted a baby more than Alan. That gesture from Alan’s part was what he would call compromising. Alex never wanted kids, not even with women, let alone with Miles. Their babies were two albums that might never become three. Alan was his only hope on not turning into a sad single parent or just sad and single really. He quietly smiled at the thought of having a kid running around the house, making his days brighter.

“You’re smiling!!!!” Alan exclaimed.

“I guess I am…” Miles answered. If he were to have a baby with someone, Alan was the best option by far. A caring and loving dad.

“Are we having a baby Miles?” He asked smiling. “Are we really doing this?"

Miles nodded as his eyes flooded with happy tears. “I can’t believe it! We’re gonna be daddies!” He said content with the best of all crooked smiles, he had never felt more happy than now. Somehow even Alex was forgot, and the only thing he could think of was that tiny little baby in his arms, who he would love endlessly.

They hugged tightly and kissed celebrating the decision that would change their lives forever, hopefully for the better


	5. Everything felt so real

“What if he starts crying ‘cause ‘m not there again?” Alex looked so pretty all concerned, Miles couldn’t help but to melt looking at him. Miles admitted that it took him a minute to realise the little one in his arms. A perfect blond baby with pink cheeks, big hazel eyes, slightly prominent ears, and a teeth-less smile that would alternate with bubble blowing.

“I ‘ave me ways of dealing with that.” Miles said showing Alex the contents of the baby’s bag. Somehow everything made sense now, this was his son in his arms, and he would throw a tantrum every time Alex wasn’t nearby. His voice and scent seemed to calm John down. Alex even stopped smoking because of it, both did.

“Me shirt…” He grinned. “That's cheatin’ Mi…” He shook his head amused. “Innit me love, innit? That’s cheatin’…” Alex asked in his best baby-talking voice. “I know we shouldn’t baby-talk, but I can’t resist, that…‘cause ya’re so cute. ya are…and I love ya.“ He said baby-talking one more time placing a kiss to Johnny’s tiny nose.

“Can we go now?” Miles asked a tad impatient but still with a huge grin on his face. “Ye've been impossibly clingy lately.” He mocked. But who was he to say anything when he was glued to Johnny all the time. He had been declining tours, social events, and anything else that required leaving the baby home for many months now.

“Are ya takin’ nappies?” Alex asked, counting the number of questions he had in his fingers.

“Yeah!” Miles nodded. ‘Damn, why is he so adorable?’ Miles thought, looking at Alex closely. Who would have thought that he would be so good at this? So thoughtful - sometimes to the point of exhaustion - so caring and loving. ‘Is it possible to fall in love with ‘im again?’ He wondered.

“What ‘bout the rash cream?” Once again Miles nodded to the question, smiling reassuringly.

“It can get chilly, are ya taking his blanket? The one with the little ducks that he likes.” Alex asked drawing ducks in the air. That reminded Miles how much Alex loved real ducks, ducks drawings, even fables involving ducks that he would tell Johnny every night with Miles often catching it on the baby monitor.

“Al, I’ve packed everything, and we’re just going to the park.” He reasoned. “It's two blocks awa-.” Johny chose this moment to put his little hand on top of Miles' lips making him stop talking. He just forgot what he was saying and started showering the baby with small kisses to his hand. He could only imagine how it was gonna be when he started pulling everyone’s hair. Fun.

Alex sighed. It seemed that it was getting harder and harder for him to let go.

“We’ll be back soon.” Miles promised.

“Alreight…but wait!” He said disappearing to the inside of the house and coming back minutes later. He then took Johnny’s small cap off of his head and replace it with a bucket hat. “That's better.”

“What?! That’s exactly like mine.” Miles pointed out inspecting the hat closely. “'ow did ye manage that?”

“I’ve talked to Alexa, haven’t I? She made it exactly like yars, same fabric and all.” He grinned and walked closer to Miles, pressing his forehead to his. “She were ‘appy to do it for us babe.” He whispered. For a moment there was silence, however in a house with kids that would never last long - Johnny started babbling happily making both men laugh.

“That's boss Al.” Miles said pulling away. “Thank you.”

“I'll just snap a photo and let ye go. I really need to work.” He pouted.

“Well someone has to.” Miles said playfully. “We ‘ave a baby for God’s sake.” He said in a funny voice, to an Alex that was looking for his camera in the living room.

Alex came back with the device in hands, Miles did his best to pose with the baby, checking if he was looking to the camera at all. Surely he wasn’t, but he didn’t make anything to change it, maybe it was best to register spontaneous moments. “Say cheese!” Alex said snapping the photo. “God! Ya look so much alike it still baffles me.” He said checking the result, a crooked smile on his face. “Ya can go now…I’ll miss ya terribly me treasure.” He leaned in to kiss Miles sweetly on the lips then turned to place a kiss on John’s thin hair.

“'eard that puppet? He said we’re his treasure.” Miles told the baby who looked amused with any small interaction.

“Don't take too long alreight? ‘ave fun!” He said regretfully, looking back to the empty house behind him, probably knowing he would have to be alone for the next half hour and probably thinking it would feel like a whole day.

“Okay love. Say bye bye to dada…bye bye!” He held the baby’s hand up waving it at Alex, who looked almost melancholic watching his heart walking away with them…

The incessant ring of his phone made Alex disappear, and then Johnny. Suddenly there was no Alex and no baby to hold, even though he could still feel Alex’s forehead in his own, his scent in his nostrils, and the warmth of the little baby in his arms. Everything felt so real. But he would have to think about the dream later on.

Miles shook his head and reached for his phone, by the persistent chiming someone was eager to talk to him.

“‘ello!” He mumbled in his hoarse sleepy voice.

“Mr. Kane?” A soft woman’s voice asked.

“Yes.” He confirmed.

“This is Dr. Barney, I’m Olivia's obstetrician.” By hearing the name of their surrogate his voice changed to a more welcome and docile one.

“Of course, hello Dr. Barney, is everything alright? I know I didn’t show up for the last scan, sorry ‘bout that, since it was routine and I had an appointment I-” But he was stopped mid-sentence.

“That’s alright Mr. Kane, I just need you to come over to the clinic, preferably today, so we can discuss some findings with you. We detected an abnormality during the scan, and although there’s no reason for alarming just yet, we must tell you everything we found out.” Miles' heart froze. ‘Abnormality’ and ‘Alarmed’ were all he could remember from the whole thing. How should he not be alarmed? His eyes puddled with tears. 

“Mr. Kane? Are you there?” Dr. Barney asked after many seconds of silence.

“Yes…” Miles mumbled back.

“It’s better to bring your partner with you for this conversation. Can I see you at three pm?”

“Sure…I’ll be there.” He said ending the call, sobbing the minute he put the phone down. He didn’t feel like telling Alan before knowing more details, also Alan wasn’t the one he wanted there by his side when he was about to be drenched in bad news. He needed someone else, and it didn’t help that this someone else hadn’t spoken to him in months.


	6. Until You're Mine

As he walked to Alex’s house, he could swear his chest hurt even more than the last time they'd spoken, but to be fair, they'd more like heatedly argued. Every step he took in Alex's direction was filled with recollections from that particular somber day and the tears they both had spilled over each other.

_“Why are ya doin' this to me? To us? Miles…no please!”_

After this morning phone call, nothing made sense to Miles anymore, he'd given up Alex for a baby, and now the fact that his baby potentially wasn’t going to be healthy was sinking in like a heavy tank misplaced in the pacific ocean. Was he being punished? Was that all about?

_“Aly…try to understand it, I’m married, and I’ve always wanted to be a father. It’s only a natural step.”_

Tanks…

Funny how our minds would make connections, linking our thoughts in a net of neurones, sending stimuli to our nerves, making us crave something or someone.

Suddenly he was right there again, he felt the freezing cold day in the Russian capital touching his skin. Miles nearly shook his head chuckling through the tears. They didn’t want to be known as “the tank band”. That would be disgraceful, wouldn’t it?

Their early days, making music, recording videos, making out whilst drizzled in wine all came back like a movie. Miles had been so hopeful and happy back then, everything had been promising, new and exciting. But now, so many years later, it all seemed so feeble, intangible. He had no Alex, no healthy baby, and somehow not even the thought of having Alan was giving him any reassurance.

_“Only natural? Yeah, naturally ya’re choosin' to give this up. ‘m nowt to ya! Nowt!”_

Whenever something bad would happen we'd know instinctively who to seek, wouldn’t we? Who would come first in our minds during a moment of crisis? Who would we hold impossibly close if it was the end of the world? Miles knew that the most morally correct answer was 'husband', but his heart had other plans, and Miles was a weak fool for it.

As he got closer and closer to Alex’s house he got struck by fear. Alex had every right to ignore him and to be angry at him.

_“Don’t think we’ll remain friends Miles! Don’t call me, don’t text me and definitely don’t show up at me door."_

Not that Miles needed a reminder of his current situation to crumble, he'd been crying a lot since he'd left Alex, even with the exhilaration that came with the baby, but Alex’s words flashing his brain made him break once more.

_Don’t show up at me door_

_Don’t show up at me door_

_Don’t show up at me door_

And here he was, doing exactly that.

Miles was willing to have his heart broken though, but with one condition, if there was a small chance that his heart would instead be consoled. He admitted to himself that the only person in the world that had that power right now was a certain Northern.

Was he even home? Maybe he wasn’t in London at all, but how Miles wished he was.

In front of Alex’s house his face was red and swelled from all the crying, still he didn’t care for it and knocked on the door anyway, surely sounding more desperate than anticipated. A few minutes had passed and no one had come to answer the door. Miles knocked one more time, the house had its curtains drawn, someone was definitely inside.

When the door was open, Miles didn’t leave any time for Alex to get angry, nor process the scene for that matter.

“What 'appened?” He asked with Miles already throwing himself into his arms to cry on his shoulder, sobbing and lamenting. “Mi…ya’re scaring me, what’s going on?” Alex held him, he didn’t fight, he surrendered immediately. Miles was surprised, but relieved to no end, Alex’s embrace had always been his best place to be.

“I need me best friend. I need ya Al…I need ya so much right now…” His hug got tighter around Alex’s waist. “Everythin' is so bleak…somethin' is wrong with - with…the baby and I…I’m lost. Dunno what to do…” He stuttered, his hands clutching firmly Alex’s back, his nose finding the other man’s neck to nuzzle it.

“Let’s go inside, shhh…” He cooed to an unmoving Miles. “Ya ‘ave me Miles. I’m ‘ere, not goin’ anywhere. Okay?” Alex detached himself from him slowly, Miles’ hands remained clutching the air. Alex closed the door behind them and walked to the living room. “Tea?” He asked, almost nonchalantly, except for a slight frown. Miles shook his head and again embraced Alex, who promptly hugged him back.

“Oh babeh…” Alex said placing kisses to Miles’ forehead. “Wanna lie down?” With one hand he wiped off some of Miles’ tears.

Miles just nodded in response, he just needed Alex’s touch to get his shit together and act like a man, like a father. It felt like using Alex, after leaving him, however they did not want the same things. Miles felt forced to leave. He’d been stupid, he should have quit the idea of a baby and then go back to being Alex’s secret lover. But no!!! He had to insist in that.

_“Al…Before I go…I need to ask…Would ya ever ‘ave a baby with me?”_

_“I wouldn’t ‘ave a babeh with anyone Miles, I’m no parent material. Ya of all people should know that.”_

_“Al…That’s what ya don’t get! I am! I am a father! I’m a father without a baby!”_

‘Am I though?’ He thought to himself. Still remembering that day over and over again. It had been the wrong call, it must have.

'No!’, he replied to himself. His baby was there, he existed, and he should fight for them, he should fight, and Alex was here, and he'd help him through it all…hopefully.

Alex led Miles to his bed, and joined him, kicking his shoes off and removing Miles’, tossing them to the room’s floor.

“‘ey Mi! It’s alreight…whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. We always do.” Alex carefully caressed the shaken Miles in his arms.

Miles’ voice was barely comprehensible. “It’s different Al, I can’t…can’t protect me own baby. I feel like a failure…and today at three I ‘ave to go to the clinic so the doctor will tell me whatever is wrong…and honestly…Al…” He let out a shaken breath. "I’m not ready to…to…” He stopped for a second, trying to stop crying so he could explain his mind.

“To 'ear whatever they’re gonna tell ya.” Alex finished his sentence.

Miles nodded and held Alex close. There was a mixture of pain and relief inside of him, knowing that Alex still could understand him like no one could. Why weren’t they together?

“Whatever it is Miles, we'll deal with it when the time comes.” Alex said, leaning his head into the crook of Miles’ neck, breathing in his "friend's" scent. Miles noticed it.

“Al…ya don’t ‘ave to…and I understand if ya say no…but please…would ya go with me?” Miles asked, big-hopeful-foggy eyes on Alex's waiting for a reply.

“'Course.” He said immediately, stroking Miles’ arms softy, leaving goosebumps where he would touch him.

Miles let out a deep breath he was holding and it was like if the floodgates of emotions had been open. “I missed ya so much babe. Every single second of every single day.” His voice turned into a whisper. “It's been unbearable…” Alex didn’t have the chance to reply since Miles' lips were on his again, finally.

***

Alex took a second to kiss him back, not wanting to boost his own fantasies about Miles, but soon giving in to the other's taste. Since he'd been left behind, he'd been feeling miserable, he'd been drinking a lot and today of all days he coincidentally had to skip the quotidian booze binging because of an important band meeting he had to attend. Now he’d have to reschedule, to take care of his Miles. He deliberated internally, whether he could or not call Miles 'his'. Afraid of the response he’d get, Alex refrained to tell Miles that he loved him still, that he loved him even more, but who was he kidding anyway? Miles probably already knew it. His voice trembled at the thought. “Missed ya too babeh…Let’s not be apart ever again…please.” He begged, the 'please' almost inaudible. Their first little feud lasted for so many years, Alex wouldn’t survive that again, he would kill himself by drinking too much, he knew it.

“Never again.” Miles said, visibly way calmer than when he'd got to the house, placing another kiss to Alex’s lips.

“Mi…” Alex said pulling away and leaving the bed. ”I just need to make a quick phone call, I’ll be right back to ya.”

Miles nodded and Alex left the room to make said phone call.

***

Miles felt the regret engulfing him, he didn’t know anything about Alex’s life anymore, again. What was the phone call about anyway? Was he dating anyone?

Alex hair was so long, curly, Miles liked it. Very Humbug-ish.

Minutes after, Alex came back to the room.

***

“What was the call ‘bout?” Miles asked curiously.

“Monkey business.” He spat out, earning a laugh from Miles. How Alex had missed his laugh! He hadn’t even realised it until hearing it live again.

“Thanks Al…” He said simply.

“For what?”

Miles sighed and pouted, and his eyes once again were dripping tears. “Ya didn’t even want me to become a father.” He shrugged and his eyes dodged Alex’s. “And ‘ere I am. Beggin' ya to go to the doctor's with me, puttin' a toll in yar shou-”

“Shhh, nonsense Mi, nonsense.” Alex sighed and paused. “I’d been wrong darling.”

Miles searched for his eyes. “What do ya mean?”

“I mean…eh…that ya…that I…that ya should be a dad.” He looked away, avoiding those wild hazel eyes. He didn’t want Miles to catch him lying, although he hadn't lied about thinking Miles should be a dad, he just wanted to say he was wrong about himself as well. He wanted to say that he’d have a baby with Miles, even though now it was too late since Miles was having a baby with another man.

“Ya think tha’?” There was a sparkle in Miles' eyes, suddenly it looked like he’d forgot about the baby situation. Did Alex’s opinion matter so much like that to Miles?

“I do…” He caressed Miles’ cheek as he said it. Wasn’t it unhealthy how much he loved him? With all his heart, with all his body, with all his soul. “Ya'll be the best dad, i’m sure of tha’.”

Miles looked puzzled. “Why did ye change yar mind?” He also looked a bit annoyed and Alex felt uneasy.

“I…eh…” Oh, this would be hard. "I was jealous Miles, I was jealous…you know me, I’m a jealous bastard.” This was the moment he’d been dreading, the moment that Miles would get up and go. If he didn’t do it, it'd certainly be a surprise.

“Jealous of what?” Miles was right questioning him that, Miles had asked him if he’d have a baby with him, and he'd said no. If he'd said yes, he'd be back with Miles and there would be no Alan whatsoever. So Miles did know that it wasn’t Alan he was jealous of.

Alex didn’t wan’t to answer it, but before knowing he proceeded.

“Of the baby…” That made him one hundred percent a twat, could him take that back? Maybe he could at least look directly at Miles? He lifted his eyes and found Miles surprisingly amused. The man started laughing as soon as Alex looked into his eyes.

“What?” Alex asked, grinning at the other’s pleasure. “I'm serious…I was afraid you’d love the baby more than you loved me.” Why Alex had to be so jealous of the baby, of not being the centre of Miles world anymore, when he could have easily be a father to the baby as well, share the love, multiply it. Now he couldn’t bear the idea of Alan fathering Miles’ baby, Miles’ own blood.

“I love ye.” Miles said sincerely. Alex kissed him one more time, bringing him close to his body. Why did he have to do that with Alex, knowing how much of a fool he was for him. He was still married wasn’t he? “I can love ye both, ya know that don’t ye?” Did he? He could love them both but how about them three?

“I love ya too babeh…” Alex pinched Miles chin between his index and thumb and sighed. “But ya’re not mine…” He shook his head, he wanted to cry, to let out all this pain inside of him. Miles looked at him with the look of someone who had just realised they weren’t single, he then looked away ashamed.

“'m sorry.” Miles started crying again and this time Alex felt himself responsible. He shouldn’t be crying, he should be happy only, forever. “I'm sorry I can’t go back in time and undo what I’ve done.” Miles complemented.

There was so much nonsense, they'd only got the here and now, they could do anything, they were alive and healthy. “Forget the past, we 'ave the 'ere and now. Leave ‘im Miles, I’m 'ere for ya, I love ya, I won’t go anywhere. I won’t give up on ya.”

“But the baby is Alan’s too.” Miles pointed out, shaking his head as Alex tried to outrun the tears that kept wetting Miles’ face, wiping them off as they fell.

“I know ya’re the biological father Miles, Matt told me, and the babeh hasn’t been born yet, there’s time. Leave ‘im Miles, I love ya, I’ll love the baby just as much, I’m sure.” Alex promised and Miles widened his eyes.

“Shit! I’m the biological father Alex. I’m the one to blame!” He slid his hand through his face. “It was the fucking drugs, wasn’t it? It must ‘ave been those. Arghhh!” He almost screamed frustrated. “Aly, it’s all me fault…”

He didn’t even listen to Alex’s promises, did he?

“Don’t think about that now, babeh…” He cooed Miles. "it’ll be alreight, ya can count on me for owt.”

So Alex would repeat the promises until he finally listens.

“I won’t ever forgive meself Al….I swear, ever!” Miles turned into a ball in the bed and Alex was left to think about what else he could say for Miles to realise he was all in?

“Let's rest a bit, we’ll have to leave for the doctor's soon.”

Miles nodded, and Alex couldn’t believe how lucky he was for having Miles so close again. This time he was determined. ‘I won’t stop until you’re mine’ he thought as he cuddled the man.

***

Alex held Miles’ hand and towed him into the doctor’s office. It had to be done, he was too crestfallen, so much it hurt Alex to see it. He knew the only thing he could do was to be there for him and comfort him the best he could. Other than that, Alex could feel the pain as if it was his own.

The doctor were already waiting for them, luckily she was on time.

“Mr. Kane.” She greeted Miles shaking his hand, she then turned to Alex. “This must be your husband, nice to meet you, I’m Dr. Barney.”

Alex shook her hand and was about to correct her assumption, but Miles interrupted him. “Please, let’s cut to the chase, I can’t cope with the suspense anymore.” Miles had always been impatient, and this must have been killing him.

“Have a seat Mr. Kane, I’ll show you our findings.” She sighed, and Alex already anticipated that this wouldn’t be easy. Miles and Alex both sat opposite to her. “Do you remember that I’ve told you that we shouldn’t be alarmed about this just yet?” Miles nodded but as for his body language, arms crossed on his chest, he didn’t look very open to believe her. “So let’s not get ahead of ourselves".

Alex scoffed, easy for her to say right? That wasn't her baby.

She looked at Alex and frowned, then turned to Miles. “So Mr. Kane…Olivia came here for her screening, and the nuchal translucency scan showed an abnormality. During the scan we measured the amount of fluid lying under the skin at the back of the baby’s neck…”

'English please, english!' Alex thought frustrated, Miles on the other hand listened attentive to every word, as if he was able to decipher them. He’d got the same look on his face when listening to Alex babbling about his poetry, except he was sadder now.

“…that meaning there’s a higher chance of the baby having Down Syndrome.”

At this Alex breathed out relieved then turned his head to look at Miles. He pouted sadly at the sight, Miles cried compulsively.

“Could you give us a moment please?” Alex asked the doctor, and Dr. Barney nodded leaving the room.

After the door clicked shut, Alex tried to calm Miles down. “Mi, it coulda been worse, please don’t cry.” He reached for Miles and hugged him, both still sat and in a tricky position.

“Ya don’t know Aly, there’s more to Down Syndrome than we see. They are prone to other conditions, it’ll be hard on me baby.” He sobbed. “I've been readin’ books on babies and-”

“It WOULD be…and COULD be hard on the babeh, would, could…” Alex corrected him. “We don’t even know for sure if the babeh 'as it or not, the doctor said there was a 'igher chance, but that was about it. We need to 'ear what she’s got to say now, and we’ll go from there, alreight?” Alex looked down on Miles as he cocooned on Alex’s chest. Miles nodded, and Alex then went outside to call the doctor back to her office.

“Dr. Barney, ya may come back now, thank ya for letting us talk in private.”

“Sure.” She said making her way back and sitting on her chair.

“Mr. Kane, now I’d like to talk about the next steps. There are ways of confirming if the baby has Down syndrome, the tests are very accurate, but they can cause miscarriages and other risks. The chance is 1 in 100. The test is only useful to tell beforehand if the baby has it or not, you can always wait until the birth, that’s your decision to make.”

Both Alex and Miles stared at Dr. Barney wide-eyed. The chance of a miscarriage, even if minor, put Alex off and clearly put Miles off as well.

“I'm gonna show you the video, so you can see your baby.” She typed something on her computer and turned the screen to face them. “Do you want to know the sex?”

“Can ye see it already?” Miles asked, now looking more perky.

“Yes, the baby was very sweet and didn’t hide it.”

“It's indeed yar babeh Miles.” Alex laughed, and looked at Miles fondly. Miles reciprocated it laughing as well.

“I wanna know…” He said looking at Alex. “Ye?”

“Absolutely!"

The doctor, satisfied with the consent, pushed the enter button and a video started.

“See this?” She pointed out placing her index finger on the black and white image on the screen. “It's a boy! Congratulations parents!”

Alex and Miles beamed at each other, and that was when Miles reached for Alex's hand squeezing it happily. It sent shivers down Alex’s spine. That was such an incredible moment, Alex could only imagine how it’d be to be in the delivery room with Miles, and holding that little boy for the first time.

“And this is his nose, and eyes, and fingers…” Dr. Barney kept pointing shapes on the screen, and Alex zoned out. That was his baby, he knew it. Well, it was his and Miles’, not Alan’s. And his heart sank at the realisation, so he squeezed Miles’ hand to reassure himself, but it didn’t work well enough. “And the heartbeats…” Alex had been acting like a child imagining that a baby would separate them, when in reality it could only ever bring them closer together. “It sounds so strong, doesn’t it Al?”

_thump_

All the nights he would sleep without interruption.

_thump thump_

All the arguing about 'who will be the next to wake up?’ he'd avoid

_thump thump thump_

All the school plays he'd miss

_thump thump thump thump_

The first smile he’d miss

_thump thump thump thump thump_

The first step he’d miss

_thump thump thump thump thump thump_

The first word he’d miss

_thump thump thump thump thump thump thump_

All the love he would end up not getting

“Al? Alex?” He hears in the distance. “Are ya cryin'?”

Back to reality he realised he was indeed crying. His hands went to his face half wiping off tears half trying to hide them.

“So you’re indeed Alex Turner!” Dr. Barney interjected and Alex, who were now looking at Miles lost inside his own fantasies, turned slowly to face the doctor. “I thought your name was Alan, so you couldn’t possibly be The Alex Turner.” It was alright that she had got confused, but didn’t she know The Miles Kane? Being there with Miles was irrefutable proof that he was Alex Turner. Had she been living under a rock?

“Alan is me husband.” Miles clarified and Alex just subtly flinched but smiled forcefully to get away with his jealousy. “Alex is me best friend…” Miles paused and stared at Alex, visibly anxious and uncomfortable. “…and the baby’s godfather.”

Alex grinned, this time he meant it. “Are ya serious?” So the baby was his, in a way.

Miles nodded, he smiled with every part of his face, with his cheeks and his eyes.

“Little Jonny will be so spoiled.” Alex gets up from the chair, Miles does the same and they hug.

“'ow did you know the name I’d choose?” Miles whispered in his ear.

“Mi…it’s just obvious to me.” He whispered back and kissed Miles on the cheek, making the man blush.

“Mr. Kane, before you go, just so you know, the receptionist called your husband this morning as well, and he said he’d come. He might be outside just as we speak.” Alex could see her as the judgmental person she was, judging them for their ‘inappropriate’ intimacy when Miles was in fact married to someone else. She knew nothing about them though, nothing about what they’d been through, and most importantly, nothing about how much they loved each other. She probably wouldn’t ever experience that kind of love, most people wouldn’t, so he let it go, it was bad enough for her to be unloved.

‘But that'd be fun, wouldn’t it? Imagine if Alan actually showed up, that'd -‘ And his thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and Alan coming in. Argh, Alan, just his existence pissed Alex off.

Miles let go of Alex real quick.

Dr. Barney couldn’t help but to remark. “Told you!”

“Mi, I’m sorry I got stuck with work, I could not leave until-” He stopped mid sentence, noticing who else was in the room. He looked tired, he had his knifes bag slung in his shoulder clumsily, and didn’t look as smart as usual. His eyes darted directly at Alex, the death stare didn’t even get to bother Alex though. He would fight him empty hands even if the chef was carrying sharp knifes. Alex didn’t care.

Miles sent a plea look Alex’s way, and he took the hint. “I’m on me way 'ome.” He said looking at Dr. Barney with apologetic eyes. As he made his way to the door he provoked tapping Alan’s back. “Little Johnny will be fine.” He knew he was revealing the sex of the baby, and his name for that matter, but he couldn’t give two fucks about it. Loving Miles was risky business, and he was in for whatever fate had reserved for him. He closed the doctor’s office door with a heavy heart. He knew it was just a video of Johnny, but he wanted to stay with that image, and with Miles.

He made his way out through the corridor he had towed Miles just minutes ago. He then heard rushed footsteps behind him.

“Al!” Miles called stopping right before him. Alex turned and waited for Miles to catch his breath. “Thank ye babe. I don’t know what I’d do without ye. I’m sorry that Alan came. I didn’t know and-”

Alex was quick to shush him, with his fingers touching Miles’ soft lips. “It's alreight babeh, go see me when the consult is over. Okay?” He smiled and brushed Miles’ cheek.

“I will…by the way,” He said tucking a strand of Alex’s hair behind his ear. “I like the hair.”

“Right.” Alex said shyly, except deep down he was excited, like a fifteen years old girl getting a compliment from her crush. He looked down timid. “See ya soon.”

“See ya soon.” Miles rascally blew him a kiss and walked back to the room. Alex walked to the exit.


	7. Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

“What was he even doing here Miles?”

“Do ya really want to have this conversation ‘ere?” He whispered, as low as he could, as Dr. Barney stared at them with nothing but sheer curiosity and gossip nature.  
Alan breathed in and out deeply, turning to face the doctor. “Sorry I’m late Dr. Barney.”

“It's alright, I’ll explain to you what I've explained to Mr. Kane and Mr. Turner.” Alan lifted an eyebrow in annoyance at the mention of Alex’s name and Miles shrank his face into a grimace. He was in trouble. Did he care though?

Dr. Barney explained all the details about the tests that would, with almost one hundred percent accuracy, confirm that the baby had indeed Down Syndrome. Alan listened to it attentively with a frown, he didn’t cry, he looked like he was in deep thought. After she finished explaining, Alan turned to face Miles. “I think we should have the test done.”

“No,” Miles retorted. “'aven’t ya 'eard the risks?” He shook his head incredulously.

“But we should consider our options, and if the baby does have it, we could always termi-”

“No!” Miles interrupted him. “He exists, he’s there, he’s alive, and he’s mine, I ‘ave a responsibility and I love ‘im.”

“He’s ours Miles, mine and yours, or just a few minutes with Turner is enough to twist your mind?” His eyes filled with that glossy look that came before tears but Miles wasn’t moved by it. “And I love him too, alright? That’s out of love. Why would you want to put our son through so much? That’s egoistic Miles.”

“Ya’re actually talking ‘bout killin' ‘im, listen to yarself. I won’t let that ‘appen Alan.” His hands were sweating, he wouldn’t let anything happen to his baby, it didn’t matter if he wasn’t healthy enough. If anything the thought of that was actually an incentive to not deliberately kill him. The baby needed him, a grown up to care for him, to stand up for his right of living.

“So I don’t have a say in this? Is that what you’re telling me?” Alan stared open-mouthed.

“Not when ya want to kill me baby, so no ya don’t ‘ave a say. Ya’d never get me consent, and I think Dr. Barney can confirm that she’d only do somethin’ as extreme as tha' with me consent. Innit?” His eyebrows lifted in expectation as he waited for confirmation from the doctor. Confirmation to what he already knew was true.

“Jesus Christ Miles, gay couples fight so hard for equality, for you to toss my rights as a parent because you happen to be the biological father. That’s disgraceful. Again, I’m gonna ask you one more time, wouldn’t you at least consider it?”

“Let me think about it.” He dramatically brought his index finger to his face and hummed. “Hmmmmm…….NO! That’s a categorical no.”

“Funny thing…” The female voice spoke up. “Mr. Turner agreed with Mr. Kane right the way.”

Great, now he needed to find a new obstetrician.

Alan got up and left. Miles didn’t bother to follow him.

***

They'd need a change of scenery. They could move somewhere far from London after the baby was born, preferably a remote place. Maybe in Italy. Miles would love that, wouldn’t he? That’d make it easier to get him on board. Johnny would be brought up away from the public eyes, maybe in a picturesque town. He’d make friends there, live a normal life. Miles would be happy, because Alex would make everything in his power to make that happen. Alex smiled, shaking off his thoughts. He stared at the display looking for something as unique and special as Miles. His eyes were yet to find the ring he'd imagined to be on par with the love of his life - he was the love of his life, period! No more pulling back, no more fucking about, it was finally time for the big plunge - many of the rings looked, how to put it, not shiny enough, not colourful enough or just way too bland. That was an impossible job anyway, to find something that would please both Miles and Alex at the same time, and Alex had to buy one for himself as well, a different one - considering the matching Death Ramps' rings had never been a thing for the two of them alone, but also a thing for the other monkeys as well. He wouldn’t share this with anyone else, not this time, this time was Miles and him - and their son - against the world.

Alex wasn’t delusional, just enthusiastically optimistic, for a change. He’d never proposed to Miles. He’d made promises - that he hadn’t ended up keeping, he was aware - but he’d never actually proposed. Like for real, on his knees, with a wedding ring. He’d never really promised to love him forever, to make him happy. And he knew full well that Miles was married to someone else, and that it at least complicated things (a lot). But he was willing to try and maybe have his heart broken, because now he knew what he wanted! Fucking finally! However, in order to go further with the plan, he needed a ring, the perfect ring. Argh, he hadn’t even thought that the ring would need to cap the one Miles already got, and now that he was thinking of it, the ring must be impossibly perfect.

He went from store to store, all he could find were classic women engagement rings or plain wedding bands. He was about to give up and go home when he saw a mirage among stores. It was a small Jewellery store, not one focus on engagement and wedding rings, nor Tiffany nor Cartier, but it seemed promising. There were beautiful rings displayed, ones that Alex judged of Miles' taste, so he stepped inside. A man, seemingly the Jeweller himself, greeted him. Alex grinned back, he loved small stores, especially the empty ones - no offence.

“I'm looking for a ring for a man…eh…it has to be special, really magnificent…breathtaking. I want to impress.” Said Alex, still looking frantically around for something special enough for Miles. He laid eyes on two options, and kept them in the back of his mind in case there wasn’t anything else available. He could design the rings, but that would take time, and he was in a hurry. Years of waiting and making Miles wait made him suddenly impatient.

“Son, what’s your budget?” Alex did get that a lot, he must really look poor or cheap.

“Sky is the limit…” He couldn’t hold back the scoff that left his lips. “Better, the moon is the limit.”

The man who stared at him through the upper gap of his glasses slightly shrugging, didn’t look impressed. “Moon? Huh…Funny you said that. I actually just got this.” He said carefully, placing a ring on top of the counter. Alex gasped, taking his hand to his chest. He was hooked instantaneously, he wondered where the heck the guy had been hiding that ring all this time. Rather, where the heck the universe had been hiding that perfect ring from him. It was so Miles. It was a big ring, imposing, grand, just like Miles Kane! It had a cabochon that seemed to be made with a natural white stone, that flickered the rainbow colours in certain angles. The ring itself was silver in colour, but around the cabochon there were golden embellishments. “It’s a 18k white gold ring with a rainbow moonstone. The details are in 18k yellow gold. It’s a unique piece, and it comes with another ring you may be interested in, a wedding band, assuming the other one would be an engagement ring. You can either give him both, or wear the other one yourself.” Was Alex that transparent? Probably the man could see the hearts in his eyes. “This is the wedding band I’ve told you.” He placed another ring on the counter. “It's also 18k white gold with rainbow moonstone inlay. Gorgeous right?” But Alex was out of words, he looked at the rings in silence with a telling grin, the salesman's paradise. He just nodded, holding the ring that was supposed to be Miles’. His phone rang waking him up from his marriage dreams.

“Miles?” He didn’t even have to look at the screen to know who was calling. It’s like when Miles used to show up at his door in LA with his scooter, and he knew every time when the low beams were his.

“Hey babe. I’m at yar ‘ouse, where are ya hiding now? I’m yet to check the lunar surface 2.0 though…Or 1.0, since ya’ve lived in London first and not LA. Hmm…”

“Am not at ‘ome, i’m out buyin’…eh…somethin’.” He paced nervously at the store. He was aware that Miles could say no, but knowing that didn’t make things any easier. There was always the rejection hovering above his head, and it was scary. He was really scared.

“Buying what? Groceries?” Alex could hear the fridge opening and slyly smiled. Miles was making himself home again. He loved that. It was only fair since he lived in his heart.

“Sure…groceries…” It wasn’t like Alex to keep a secret this big from Miles, but he wanted to keep the mystery for at least an hour.

“Ya're out of milk…and cereal."

There were more sounds of liquid being poured and some clattering.

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh, ya are now, believe me.” And now there were crunching noises.

“I’ll be there soon. I promise…eh…don’t go anywhere.”

“Too comfy to move babe, see ya in a bit.”

He ended the call and had his attention back to the man and to the rings.

“Price wise…” The man started but was interrupted.

“I've seen the price sir.” He liked that it wasn’t cheap, he liked that it was big enough to be seen from the moon itself. He wanted people to know Miles was his, and his only. Except…No, he wanted people to stay away from his Miles, but he didn’t want to expose their relationship. Especially now with the baby, he didn’t want the boy to get the wrong kind of attention.

“How long does it take to resize them?” Alex asked, slipping his credit card to him.

“Around ten minutes.” The man said, gladly getting hold of the credit card and charging the rings on it.

“I'll wait.” Ten whole minutes, grocery shopping for milk and cereal, and off to get engaged…hopefully.

***

He didn’t have much time to rehearse. Shit, what to say when asking someone to marry you? It’s not that Alex had ever thought it through, the idea had crossed his mind multiple times but he hadn’t planned how he'd ask him. Now he berated himself for not giving his romantic self wings to fly and plan the whole thing. Maybe sticking to “Will you marry me?” would be enough. He wished he had the time to call his mom and tell her about it, but that wouldn’t mean only asking her for ideas but also coming out to her over the phone. Never mind then.

Maybe he should call Matt, or Nick? Or maybe Jamie? Or even Alexa? Or another girl friend? Jesus he'd never thought it’d be so hard. Breathe Alex, breathe! It was Miles, just his Miles. He didn’t have to be perfect around him, Miles got him, he understood every single thing about his existence. He’d understand if he stuttered or froze. He’d understand if he just sang. Right?

But what if he said no? Maybe Alex shouldn’t do it, maybe he should wait…except, no! No he couldn’t wait. He needed to prove to Miles that he loved him for real, and he needed to do it soon. Actions rather than words this time. Fuck, Alex really could use poetry, that'd be easier, a piece of paper with some verses, that would do!!!

Except…No, no, no! No poetry, no songs, he should just speak his heart!

Fuck! He was really doing this.

***

He opened the door to his house hesitantly. “Miles, I’m ‘ome!”

Miles soon popped up at the hallway and gave Alex a quick hug. “I'm so glad ya’re here.”

Alex laughed, he actually lived there, so of course he’d be home eventually. Miles grabbed the bag with groceries and headed to the kitchen. Alex followed.

“I'm glad that ya’re makin’ yarself comfortable, ya know that me ‘ouse is yars anytime, don’t ya Mi?”

Miles barely turned his head to face Alex as he put the groceries away. “Do I? Yeah, I think I do. I really missed this ‘ouse. I like how it’s bright. I also ‘ave a thing for the big windows. I like the decoration, and how the ‘ouse smells.”

Alex cleaned his throat. “Ya missed the ‘ouse and not the owner of the ‘ouse?”

Miles’ face drop. “Of course I missed ya.” He seemed caught off guard, maybe a little offended. "That’s a constant state. It’s this pain that sits in me chest every day, I don’t even know ‘ow to exist without it. This feeling…it’s been part of me for so many years, it’s all I’ve ever known. I missed ya even now, even with ya right ‘ere in front of me. I’ll never make sense of this pain. I’ll never make sense of any of the feelings that surround us. I still don’t understand ‘ow we got to this. Eh…” He paused and looked away emotional. “Sorry…I just really missed ya.”

“Mi…” Alex’s hand held the box in his jacket's pocket. He clutched it firmly.

“I haven’t really rehearsed this, but with ya I think I don’t need a script. Ya 'ave always put me at ease, actually. " He took a deep breath. “I need ya to imagine somethin’.”

“Alright…” Miles said lightly squinting his eyes. “Go on.”

“Close yar eyes.” Alex asked and Miles did. "I need ya to picture yourself in Tuscany.”

Miles grinned. “That was easy.”

Alex was so nervous, his voice started breaking, but he kept going nonetheless. “Now babe…Picture that we’re together there, ya and I.”

Miles sighed. After some silence he talked again. “Even easier.”

Alex grinned. He'd got a chance, even if small, he'd got a chance.

“Now imagine that the babeh is there with us. And that he gets to grow up in a small town, and make friends there. Real ones, not motivated by how famous we are tha knows?…eh…and then imagine we travelling during the summer from one town to another, hitting the beaches during the day, sunbathing and swimming, then snuggling together at night after we tuck Johnny into bed.” Miles let out a satisfied sound out, showing he was indeed picturing everything, still obediently keeping his eyes closed. “During the winter…” Alex paused for a while to get himself together and not let his nerves get the best of him. “During the winter imagine we playing, writing, and making love…well…whenever the babeh is asleep, of course.” He chuckled and Miles joined him laughing wholeheartedly with his face already wet with tears. "Now imagine that I’d make pancakes for you every morning, and that we'd grow old together, rocking our chairs in our porch under the Tuscany sun and moon…naturally. Picture now Johnny thinking we are two old sappy men who’d probably embarrass the hell out of ‘im…” Alex took a deep breath and exhale deeply, it was time. ”Mi…I love who I am around ya. I love that I can be meself. I love that I don’t need to fake.” As Alex now started crying, Miles let out a shaken breath. “And I hate several things as well. I fucking hate living without ya, not knowing ‘ow ya are, or what ya’re doin’. I ‘ate every second ya’re away from me. I ‘ate when I know ya’re probably asleep and I don’t get to see how yar chest rises and falls in our bed. I hate that I can’t kiss ya good night. And now Miles…now there’s the babeh. And he’s part of ya and I love ‘im already. And we’re family, we’ve always been. Honestly babe, I can’t stand the idea of being away from ya two.” He sighed half sad half hopeful. "Ya’re me soulmate, and I’d run long enough from this, from us. Please…babe…” His hand was getting numb, but he kept clutching the small box. He leaned forward and kissed Miles’ on the lips shortly, what made him open his eyes. “Ya're the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I fucking adore ya. All me affection, me love and me devotion have been gravitating to ya solely for so many years. Nobody has ever loved me for who I really am, except ya. To ya I’m just Al, and ya have loved me sincerely. And to me ya’re just Mi, and ya’re the only one I’ve ever truly loved.”

Miles looked like he was about to say something in response, or faint for that matter, but Alex kneeled down and held Miles’ hand. He carefully removed the box from his pocket and opened it revealing the ring. “I’m yars. I love ya. And I'll love ya every day of me life. I’ll cherish ya and worship ya, If ya let me.” His voice was barely there for the rest of it. “Be me husband. Please…please…Miles, will ya marry me?”

Miles stood there, quivering.

***

When the moment of shock had died down, Miles just wanted to kiss him, so he did. He fell to the floor on his knees and kissed him deeply. Having Alex in his arms like this was everything he had ever wished for. Knowing he was actually proposing edged the imaginative. He wanted to grab that ring and just sew to his own hand so it couldn’t ever be taken off. “I love ya.” He told Alex sincerely, albeit his face didn’t show merriment, just a lot of tears. “It's not a surprise is it? I love ya!” He peppered his face with kisses. However, silence fell over them, and Miles stilled in Alex’s arms, bawling without a word. When he finally talked, he said: “But…I can’t accept it, me love...I'm sorry...I can't...”

“Why? Listen Mi! I know I’d been a jerk to ya, I know it took me a long time to do this, but please, ya love me too. Not just as a friend, but as a man. I’m not crazy, am I? This is not a unilateral feeling. It’s reciprocal, I can see in yar eyes.”

Of course he could see it, because Miles fucking loved him, he loved him with all his being. But how on earth should he believe Alex?

“Al…please don’t play with me heart, not again, ya’ve done that a hell lot before. I can’t take it. I know ya don’t mean it. Ya ‘ave no idea of what it means to be married to someone. What it takes. The sacrifices.” Miles knew the sacrifices really well, his biggest one was there on the kitchen floor with him.

“I know what it takes Miles. I mean…I've always loved ya and I'd wanted to marry ya before, many times. This is not new. But I was so afraid of ending up either heartbroken or humiliated, or God forbidden both. The fear consumed me. I tried to overcome it over and over again but I just wasn’t able to. I love ya babeh I’m serious now, I don’t mind what the marriage would bring me, step on me heart, seriously, I don’t mind. Here.” He put Miles’ hand on his heart. “It's yars. There’s no one else I’d rather be with.”

“Humiliated?” He did hear the rest, one may think he didn’t. Still how should he trust Alex’s feelings? After so much hurting and running.

“Well yeah Mi, have ya seen yarself? Ya’re overly friendly with everyone. Back then, I couldn’t bite back me jealousy. And what’d happen if we'd become a couple and ya'd kept all the kissing beautiful people and the booty calls? I wouldn’t have been able to stand it. Really I just wanted to make all those women’s heads explode with the power of me mind. I hated it!”

“I've always told ya I’d drop that if we became a couple. Ya had a girlfriend for God’s sake. You've always had a girlfriend, you haven't given me a real chance Al. And unlike ya, I hadn’t loved anyone else but ya. I’d loved only ya.” Did Alex have a girlfriend now? Maybe he did, that wouldn’t be out of character.

“'til Alan, reight?”

“Yeah reight.” He said hesitantly. He’d never loved someone so deeply, in such an impossible and smothering way like he loved Alex, never. He loved Alan though, in a different way.

“I want ya to keep the ring. I bought thinking of ya. It has the rainbow moonstone on it, I think it’s…appropriate. I won’t wear the other one, so no one will be able to connect yours to mine.”

“Do ya have one for yarself?” Miles was genuinely surprised. Alex had got one for himself? Like a real symbol of being married…and to Miles?

Alex reached for his pocket and took out another box. “‘ere, it has the same stone as well.”

Lord, how Miles had mustered the strength to say no to him? “It's so pretty Al…” The whole Tuscany speech. For fucks sake! What if he’d meant it?

“I mean…if ya don’t like yar ring, I understand if ya don’t want to wear it. I won’t be upset or anythin’” Of course he would be upset, Miles could tell. Luckily for both, he’d love to wear that ring.

“I fucking love the ring Al.”

“Do ya really?” Alex was smiling again. How sweet was his smile, Miles remarked.

“I love it, it’s perfect…But what do I tell…ya know…other people?” Alex held Miles’ ring and put in his finger. It fitted perfectly. Why Miles wasn’t even surprised? Alex had always done things perfectly.

“Tell ‘im ya saw it, liked it and just bought it. It suits ya well Mi.” He placed a kiss to Miles' hand and looked down.

“Are ya upset puppet? Please don’t be upset with me.” He lightly squeezed Alex’s hand, and the man looked up into his eyes.

“Not with ya babe, no…please don’t worry. I’ll prove to ya that ya can trust me, it’s me fault ya don't.”

Poor Alex, Miles thought, that will be an impossible job.

**_Approximately fours years ago_ **

_Miles P.O.V_

_They hadn’t seen each other in a while, so the sex was memorable. It was hot and erotical as Alex pined Miles to the bed face down. If Miles were to describe how complete he felt when he was with Alex, he’d probably not do it any justice. In the end it was simply indescribable. His warm breath on his neck and whispers - “Ya feel so good babeh. Oh fuck!” - sent shivers down his spine. The kisses down his back, and his hands delicately stroking every section of skin. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of Miles. “Like that baby, fuck me.” And Miles knew he couldn’t get enough of him. Their sweat mingled on each other, even though it was so cold outside. “Keep movin’ like tha’ and ya gonna make me cum…is tha’ what ya want? ya want me cum inside ya? Tell me…” He whispered. “I wanna hear it Miles.” His name was piquant on his tongue, it burned Miles’ nape with so much lust. “I want it, give it to me baby.” And just so to make Alex incapable of delaying his orgasm, Miles moved faster and indecently. “'m gonna cum baby…gonna cum” Moans filled the air, and it was exactly like it had always been, and that was a good thing. Nothing had changed. Alex still wanted him. Needed him. So he’d keep coming back for more._

_They lied on their backs looking at the ceiling, catching their breaths. “How long Al?”_

_“Wha'?” Alex asked looking back at Miles, seemingly still coming back from the high._

_“How many hours do I still have?” Miles was obsessing over the hours, minutes and seconds they had left. It was ridiculous but he couldn’t help himself._

_Alex reached for his phone on the nightstand in order to check the time. “Hmm, three hours and forty-five minutes. Give or take.” Fuck, not less than that, please._

_“I'm so tired of this.” Miles groaned and sought Alex’s arms, resting his head in the crook of his neck._

_“Ya know we can always just stop…I mean…if ya’re tired of this.” He probably didn’t mean it, or did he?_

_Miles wanted the opposite, he wanted to start and not to stop. Stop? Never. He wanted him, he wanted now, not promises of tomorrow. “I want more, I need more.”_

_"So wait Mi. One day I’ll give ya more…” Empty promises to keep Miles' hopes up. Nothing more than that._

_“When?”_

_“Soon.” Yes, soon, of course. Who believed him? Certainly not Miles._

_“Ya've been telling me that for more than ten years Al.” He sighed._

_“We're alright like we are now Miles. Don’t ya think? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.”_

_“How is that ain’t broken? I see ya once a month if I’m lucky. And then ya’re always going to LA, or to fucking Paris, and then there’s the french, that fuck-”_

_“Shhhh, babeh, let’s enjoy the rest of our three hours and…” He checked the time again. “…thirty minutes.” Alex gave him a consolation kiss. Miles just wanted to cry._

_But instead he just said a stupid thing. “I love ya.” He made sure to sound firm and decided._

_“One day Miles…” He replied automatically. Miles was so fed up of that answer, of that promise. He couldn’t leave it be, he needed to ask again, and he was overly conscious of the ridicule that the question put him in. “Do ya even love me Alex?”_

_“Perhaps…” He said in a low voice, avoiding Miles’ eyes deliberately, or so it seemed. “Wanna have a go? We still have three hours and twenty-five minutes…”_

_Time was relative, and it flew with Alex. Miles hated that._

_“Fuck me…” Alex whispered in his ear. That was how he got Miles to keep this up, or so Miles told himself._

_Alex P.O.V_

_They hadn’t seen each other in a while, Alex longed insanely for Miles' touch. They just had sex and Alex still couldn’t understand why, after so many years, it only seemed to get better._ _They had fought before, they had broken up, they had been on and off, but until now, they had always come back to each other._ _The level of satisfaction he'd get with Miles was a distant memory when he fucked someone else. Distant…he hated the distance, still he’d found himself distancing himself more and more from him progressively. Loving someone so much was scary. He was afraid of losing control, and with Miles he had no control for starters._

_They lied on their backs looking at the ceiling, catching their breaths. “How long Al?”_

_“Wha'?” He knew exactly what Miles had meant, but he was buying himself some time. He didn’t want to have that conversation, not again._

_“How many hours do I still have?” Alex was also obsessed with time, one more reason to not waste precious minutes with the same old conversation, that certainly wouldn’t lead them anywhere._

_Alex reached for his phone on the nightstand in order to check the time. “Hmm, three hours and forty-five minutes. Give or take.” He didn’t want to go. It was a fucking conflict. Inside his troubled mind he wrestled with wanting to be with Miles all the fucking time, and wanting to run away. Running away was the only way of protecting his heart as well as his reputation._

_“I'm so tired of this.” Miles groaned and sought Alex’s arms, resting his head in the crook of his neck. Alex was tired as well. He wanted them to just enjoy their short time together, without interruptions. Every single time Miles got into those type of talks, Alex felt himself about to break._

_“Ya know we can always just stop…I mean…if ya’re tired of this.” He definitely didn’t mean that. He’d never want it to stop. He loved Miles, he wanted Miles to be his and nobody else’s. However…He couldn’t cope with the "coming out thing". He couldn’t imagine giving himself to Miles solely, his whole being, his body, his soul, and getting all of that in return. Miles would surf the hype for a while, and then realise Alex wasn’t enough. He’d see right through Alex, he’d see how much his flaws were troublesome, how uninteresting he could get when he wasn’t singing, playing or writing. He’d see that behind his words he was just this normal guy, with nothing much to offer. Once Miles saw that, his misery would be in headlines. All the trouble he’d have gone through would have been pointless. And more, he’d become laughing stock._

_“I want more, I need more.”_

_"So wait Mi. One day I’ll give ya more…” He knew he wouldn’t, he couldn’t overcome his fears, they controlled Alex rather than Alex controlled them._

_“When?” With each question, Alex wanted to crumble. He was so tired of lying to him. He was the love of his life, his soulmate. Why did things have to be so complicated?_

_“Soon.” Miles made a face, Alex knew he didn’t believe it._

_“Ya've been telling me that for more than ten years Al.” He was so damn sorry. He wanted to say how he really felt, but he didn’t. He was holding Miles back. He was preventing him from living a full life, with a real companionship, not someone who would see him once a month, or less._

_“We're alright like we are now Miles. Don’t ya think? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.”_

_“How is that ain’t broken? I see ya once a month if I’m lucky. And then ya’re always going to LA, or to fucking Paris, and then there’s the french, that fuck-”_

_“Shhhh, babeh, let’s enjoy the rest of our three hours and…” He checked the time again. “…thirty minutes.” Alex gave Miles a consolation kiss. Alex just wanted to cry. He didn’t want to go to Louise. The thought alone made him gag. They barely talked, they barely fucked, and at least for the "barely" Alex was grateful._

_“I love ya.” It was so good to hear that. Although Miles was a heartbreaker, and if he believed him and let his guard down, he’d hurt him, he’d humiliate him._

_“One day Miles…” He replied dodging one more time._

_“Do ya even love me Alex?”_

_Miles was everything. He was the silver lining that connected all of Alex’s being. He was the only thing holding Alex together. Without him he’d collapse. Life wouldn’t mean anything anymore. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how devastating and gloomy life would be without him._

_He loved him. Of course he loved him. He loved only him._

_“Perhaps…” He said in a low voice, avoiding Miles’ eyes deliberately. He didn’t have the strength to look Miles in the eyes only to lie so blatantly about something so deep. “Wanna have a go? We still have three hours and twenty-five minutes…” Changing subjects was the way to go._

_Times was relative, Einstein was right. They hadn’t even said their goodbyes and Alex missed him already. He knew time in Paris would drag its feet, leaving behind only feelings of dread._

_“Fuck me…” He whispered in his ear. He needed Miles to have him however he pleased. He wanted to feel his body, and have his scent perpetuated in his skin. The memories would be alive for a while, until they started to fade slowly to then disappear just in time for another visit, to recharge, to become whole again._

_“Me pleasure.” Miles positioned himself on top of Alex and kissed him. For a moment his thoughts fell silent. He could only focus on his eyes, how beautiful they were, and how deeply he looked into Alex’s._

_Miles pressed their foreheads together. “Ya used to say ya loved me. Why aren’t ya sure anymore? I don’t even remember the last time you’ve said it.” He sniffed, holding back a tear. “It fucking hurts Alex.”_

_Alex wanted to scream, so he closed his eyes and repeated silently to himself ‘Please babeh, please…don’t ask me that again…I love ya…I love ya…’_

_What he did to Miles every time they saw each other was despicable. He was disgusting. He didn’t deserve Miles’ heart…_

_…but he was happy to be the one leaving and not the one left behind, he wouldn’t be able to cope otherwise._

_***_

**_Approximately three years ago_ **

_Alex had managed to see Miles once every three months in the past year. He got used to that pattern, and had planned to turn those three months into six months. However, one day Miles had snapped at him. He'd accused him of distancing himself on purpose, saying he couldn’t stand the distance any longer, giving Alex an ultimatum. ‘Do ya want to be with me or not?’ He'd shouted. But instead of telling him the real reasons behind all of it, Alex had made a promise he didn’t mean to keep. This time the promise had a due date, that Alex set himself. ‘In one year Miles, we’ll be together. I need just one more year.’ Miles had looked convinced, and had told Alex he’d wait, what he didn’t expect though was that he’d be waiting forever. Alex had called on special days. They had bumped into each other at pubs and mutual friends’ events. Miles had waited and waited, until he was left with no other option but to leave hundreds of messages on Alex’s voicemail. Alex wouldn’t even pick up the phone._

_Miles: “Al…it’s been so long baby…when can I see ya? I miss ya so much.”_

**_Approximately two and a half years ago_ **

_Miles: “Alex, I haven’t seen yar face in six months, six months! I’m gonna explode in frustration.” He grunted and the message ended._

_There'd been two days of pause after the last message, Alex had worried, and even tried to call, but the phone was disconnected._

_Miles: “I'm sorry…broke me phone after the last message. I had to buy a new one, and they didn’t have the colour I wanted, ya know me…so I had to wait. Did ya miss me? ‘cause I know I missed ya babe. I love ya, ya know that don’t ya?”_

_Miles: “Why don’t ya just pick up the damn phone? I miss talking to ya. It’s okay if ya don’t wanna see me…it’s okay. Just pick up the phone!”_

_Miles: “I've seen this documentary about the universe and it reminded me of ya. I wished ya were here so we could watch it together…I…I promise I'd behave. No funny business, I swear…I just really could see yar face right now._ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “Ya know…_ _< sighs>_ _…after ya called me on me birthday I thought ya’d come to see me. Hehehe…’ow much of a fool can I be…right?” He sniffed and Alex didn’t want to believe he was crying._

_Miles: “Hi babe…sent ya a video earlier, ‘ave ya seen it? That's how I get thinking of ya. Don’t forget that…don’t forget me…”_

_Not possible to forget, neither the video nor Miles. Alex knew he’d hold on to that video for a long time, and jerk off to it as much as necessary. Miles didn’t know that the video would actually help Alex surviving the distance. What a disgrace Alex was. But he needed that, he needed all the help he could get._

**_Approximately two years ago_ **

_Miles: “Baby…I…eh…I can’t…” He cried and Alex cried along as he listened to every single word. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s been a whole year. Ya promised we’d be together by now. I’ve waited the whole day…for ya…to show up…I genuinely had hope. I had…babe…please.” He sobbed and cried until the message was cut by the beep. Then he left another one, and another one, and another one._

_Miles: “How do you do it? Tell me please. How did ya forget me? I can still smell ya in that shirt ya’ve left behind, but I’m dreading the day I won’t be able to anymore. I miss ya. Please come back to me.”_

_Miles: “Alex…I can barely eat, I can barely sleep…I love ya…The smell of ya Aly, it’s almost gone…”_

_Miles: “I'm so drunk…I’m sorry I’m calling ya like this. I…eh…dreamt ‘bout ya and…ya were sad too. Are ya now? Just like me? I’m dying ‘ere Al, please come back…please come and save me.”_

_Miles: “Sometimes I wake up and I forget this is happening to us. For a brief moment I think you’ll be back soon. Then it sinks in…the reality. And I know ya won’t…and I can’t see meself living without ya. So I drink, and I cry, and I’m probably dehydrated because I can’t cry anym-_ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “I know ya listen to me messages Al. Otherwise yar voicemail would be full, and since I’m still able to leave ya a message…just call me…please.”_

_Miles: “There’s literately nothing left of ya ‘ere and I’m going insane. Tell me yar secret. ‘ow could ya leave me? I need to learn, and I need to learn it fast. To survive…Al, don’t ya want me to survive?”_

_Miles: “Aren't we friends anymore Alex? We used to be friends before everything. I miss ya, and I love ya, and I hate ya now. I hate ya! I take it back, I love ya way too much to ‘ate ya. I’m completely fucked. I just can’t do this any-_ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “Consider this now it's not too late, I have watched you change, The colour of the trap before boy, I have learned to wait. Make no mistake. I have learned to wait. And you've learned that you can make me. I need something to sort me out_ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Alex had played that over and over again so many times…he didn’t know he had that kind of willpower in him, the willpower to not crawl right back to him._

**_Approximately one and a half year ago_ **

_Miles: “It was so good to see ya, and well, talk to ya. Even if it was just small talk. Guess I’ll have to wait for the next wedding to do that again, eh? <sighs> I…I…I love ya Alex. I’ve never stopped loving ya.”_

_Miles: “I've seen ya on TV the other day. It’s not fair that ya’re so hot, do ya even know how hot ya are? Yeah, ya probably do…I need ya so much Al, I don’t even know what to do with meself. Ya looked sad though. Are ya? Are ya sad? ‘cause I’m so sad babe._ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “By the way, yar new song…it reminds me of us…_ _< sighs>_ _Would ya call me and tell me I’m imagining things? ‘cause if ya miss me that much, just come and get me. I’m yours.”_

_He wasn’t imagining things._

_Miles: “I've heard ya’ve got a new girlfriend. I wish ya two all the best.”_   
_Ten seconds later:_   
_Miles: “Fuck it, I don’t! Ya’re mine, and ya know it. And I can’t fucking breathe without ya, I’m in fucking life support ‘ere. I can’t do this anymore Alex. I love ya! ‘ow come ya don’t love me anymore? I thought we were everything, ya and I. I thought we’d be together forever. Al…please._ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “_ _< deep breath>_ _I miss the sound of yar voice. Ya know…when ya whisper in me ear. I miss yar kisses, yar lips, and the scar over yar eye, and the mole under yar bottom lip. I miss how we make love…I miss holding ya, so much…I miss yar babbling. I miss ya singing while ya walk ‘round the hous-_ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Miles: “I'm yar man Al, ya know that right? It’s ya and me against the world. Why are ya fighting this? Or maybe we could…ya know we…we could…maybe we could be friends? If ya want that.”_

_No they couldn’t be friends. Alex wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation. The distance was the only way to go._

_Miles: “I’m sorry…” He cried. “…I always sound like a crazy in love teen, but I just…just need ya to know that I still love ya and that I’m thinking of ya babe.”_

_And Alex was always thinking of him._

_Miles: “I'm gonna miss ya and love ya 'til me last day on earth Al…and It’s okay…” He cried. “It's okay if ya don’t love me anymore. I’ll keep loving ya…if ya don’t mind…eh…I…although…I don’t think I ‘ave a choice ya know? Bye baby…Bye…I love ya. I love ya with all me-_ _< BEEP>_ _”_

_Suddenly the messages had stopped, so Alex had sent someone to check on Miles. They'd found him alive, and well, as much as possible. Alex had cried his heart out that day, the day Miles let him go. However he'd thought it was for the best, he'd finally managed to set Miles free._

_When Miles had started dating Alan, Alex had finally called. He hadn’t said anything. He'd only listened to Miles’ voice as Miles repeatedly would say “Al…? Talk to me. I’m here…Al…? Please talk to me.” It’d been a long call, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it though, to say he still loved him and wanted him. He’d been the one who pushed him away. No matter how much he loved him, whatever Alan would give him he couldn’t give Miles himself._

_He hadn’t missed a single interview, a single performance, or a single article about Miles. He'd listened to every song Miles had written. He hadn’t stopped loving him once, even if he'd thought he would stop loving him eventually, that day had never really come._

_Alex had never felt whole again._

_And Miles might have long waited, but Alex…Alex had never come back._ _Until of course…the day he’d called right before Miles' wedding._

***

How Miles could ever trust that Alex wouldn’t leave again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a clarification about this chapter: I don't really have a position on abortion, and in this story specifically Miles is not necessarily pro-life, he's just pro his own baby's life.


	8. The Godfather

Miles was still at Alex’s, sporting the ring Alex’d proposed him with just hours earlier, and apparently no intention to head to his own house any time soon. That was like it should be. That was perfect, Alex remarked in his mind.

“Alex!” Miles called his attention.

“Yeah babeh?"

“Alan…eh…he wanted to ‘ave the test done.” Miles was lying on the couch, with his head on Alex’s lap, who stroked his hair lazily. 

“Is tha' why ya ‘aven’t gone to yar ‘ouse yet?” He shouldn’t have asked. He didn’t want Miles to realise that he’d been at his for too long. Not too long for Alex of course, but maybe too long to someone who’d got a husband supposedly waiting at home, with dinner and cuddles to offer.

Alex shook his thoughts off as Miles nodded. “Told ‘im I wouldn’t allow it. He talked 'bout…abortion.”

“Did he say what?” Alex came across a little hard, but the guy infuriated him, every moment of any given day.

“Yeah…he said that if the baby has it, we should consider terminating the pregnancy. And I said no. No way. I’m not doing it Al.” He shook his head. Miles looked like he could cry again and Alex really had enough of his tears for the day, he couldn’t take it anymore without breaking down himself.

“Ya don’t ‘ave to do nothin’ he tells ya to do. Ya know tha’ reight?” Alex stroked Miles cheek and leaned to kiss him. The touch seemed to comfort Miles and soon he looked less troubled.

“I know…it’s just, he called me selfish. He said I’d be making our son suffer, and now I just…what if he’s right?”

“He isn’t. John can have a full life, we can make sure of tha' Miles. I’ll help ya, with whatever you need. From changing nappies to money, I swear I’ll help ya.” He leaned in for another kiss, and sought Miles’ hand, giving it a squeeze for reassurance.

“Thank ya baby, I love ya.” This time it was Miles who sat on the couch and initiated yet another kiss.

“I love ya too.” And they kissed more, and more, and it was getting late, and Alex was dreading the inevitable moment Miles would have to go back to Alan. It was one of those days that Miles wanted to be in control, so Alex just let him take everything he wanted. Alex was under Miles and Miles kissed him deeply, sucking all of Alex’s life out of him just to put it back into him with each whimper. Alex ventured to touch Miles in a more intimate way, and for a moment Miles let him, even taking a deep breath and moaning into his mouth, but as soon as he did that he took Alex’s hand off his cock and apologised in a whisper. “I'm sorry babe, I don’t think we should…ya know.” 

Alex sighed unsatisfied. “I ‘aven't had sex in such a long time, Miles…why can’t we have some dirty-fucking-legit sex? Is that too much to ask?”

“Ya know why Al…and I’m sorry. I want it too…I’m trying me best ‘ere.” He apologised and one more time kissed him, slightly giving him some much needed friction. “I didn’t even know ya were single.”

Did Miles genuinely think he’d be capable of proposing to him if he wasn’t single?

“Of course I’m single, I’ve been for months, and I don’t wanna go after anyone else for sex. Give me summat babe. Anything to hold on to. I’m deadly serious.” After he'd broken up with Heather, he hadn’t been with anyone else. Not to mention how unsatisfying sex with someone who wasn’t Miles was. So in reality the sex drought had been dragging for years, he barely remembered the drunk sex they had last time, that felt like it’d happened ages ago. 

“Do ya still ‘ave our videos?” Miles cocked an eyebrow and faintly smiled.

“I do.” Alex breathed out. He knew them by heart, actually.

“I ‘ave an idea. Come with me!” He towed Alex through the stairs and went directly to Alex’s bedroom. “Where are they?” He asked vibrantly with a silly smile in his face.

Alex walked to the small desk in the corner of the room, opened a drawer and chose one of the tapes. “This one is me favourite.” He sounded almost depressed, while Miles grinned at him oblivious to the deep feelings he’d unintentionally awaken.

“I'm so excited!! I haven’t watched any of them in years.” He sat on the bed and waited patiently for Alex to play the tape. “This is 'ow this gonna work Al. We watch the video, and we jerk off to it. What do ya think ‘bout it? Huh?” Alex squinted his eyes as he considered it, he wasn’t completely sold, but if that was all that he was going to get, then he wasn’t just about to reject it. Then Miles continued. “We can kiss, but we can’t touch each other.” Alex immediately frowned, he wanted to touch him, badly. He intended to inquire why he couldn’t touch him, although he thought that maybe in the heat of the moment Miles would let his guard down and let Alex touch him. He could only hope he would.

“Let's get naked then.” Alex suggested already taking off his shirt and trousers. In reality he was setting an example. He wanted Miles naked as well. Naked and hard. Naked and dripping on his bed. Naked and begging. Begging…he'd definitely missed the begging.

He pressed play. Miles had undressed really quick, followed by Alex naked abundance, not for one moment he’d teared his eyes from the nude man in front of him. Alex was hard, and he knew pretty well what that’d make to Miles. “Like what ya see huh?” Alex stroked himself teasingly. “It misses yar mouth…” He moaned and puckered up his lips provokingly, making a smooch noise.

“Oh fuck…” Miles groaned stroking himself as well. He stared at Alex’s erection with his mouth agape. Alex had the dirtiest thoughts just by imagining his sweet mouth on him again.

The video started and showed foreplay, but Alex was already very high on having Miles naked next to him. He stared minutely at every detail of Miles' body. He’d never forgot for a second how fucking hot he was naked, but a good reminder was very welcomed. He sat next to Miles and kissed him, his tongue danced sensually in Miles’ mouth. “Tell me ya need me.” He whispered into the kiss. The tips of his free hand fingers touched gently the burning skin of Miles' torso, then up to his neck and finally to his nape to pull him for another kiss.

Miles panted against his lips, breaking the kiss briefly. “I need ya babe…I need ya so fucking much.” 

Alex bit Miles’ lower lip and groaned. “Let me touch ya…please…I wanna make ya feel good.” The proposal was as much selfless as it was selfish.

Miles shook his head. “I know us, we wouldn’t be able to stop. Here” He brought Alex’s hand to his stomach. “Keep touching me from the abs up…” 

Alex whined in frustration. Miles looked like he was enjoying himself though, as Alex resumed the stroking of his skin, softly, just stopping to drop kisses to his chest. "Oh fuck Al, ya were thirsty that day. Look what ya were doing to me. Naughty…” He breathed out. “Naughty indeed.”

If Alex could think it through, he’d just stop this bullshit altogether, but he couldn’t, he was simply incapable of stopping. He was just too far gone to halt it.

“Gonna get me butt plug.” Alex said jumping out of the bed and heading to the night stand.

Miles gasped. “Ya’ve got yourself a butt plug?!” He looked surprised and amused but Alex knew him well, and could see how the idea of Alex playing with his own ass was enticing for him.

“Four years Miles, four years! Don’t look so surprised…I like it…tha’ knows.” Alex was back to the bed, he lied on his stomach giving Miles the plug. “I'd do it meself, but it’s easier..” and much better “…if ya do it for me.”

Alex kept his head still, facing the sheets. He waited patiently as he noticed Miles atypically quiet. Alex couldn’t help but tremble in anticipation, nude under Miles’ gaze, whilst lifting up his bum for him. Perfect! He missed posing for him, shaking him enough to give Alex the vague idea of control.

“Oh…that arse…I miss it too much to even begin explaining.” He believed Miles was struggling to hold back, he wanted to trust that Miles was getting closer and closer to jump him. How much Alex would need to push him to get what he wanted? “Okay, I’m doing it.” Miles agreed.

‘Doing what? Are ya gonna fuck me?’ Alex thought. That wouldn’t be bad at all.

It took much more time than needed for Miles to insert the plug in Alex’s ass, but simultaneously, the time spent seemed very much necessary. Miles had stopped stroking himself in order to use both hands for the task. Alex had felt everything when Miles had held both of his butt cheeks, opening them carefully. Alex had moaned to that - involuntary - could he be more obvious? - Miles had then slipped the object inside him, making Alex shudder from head to toe. Miles’s hands hadn't left Alex’s bum immediately though, they'd lingered there for a while, bashfully. For so long that Alex had thought he might have been imagining it. Miles had given a gentle squeeze to both sides, and finally had let go with a deep and achy sigh. Alex promptly turned to his side to face Miles and smiled. He found a very bothered Miles. 

“I wish ya had a spare plug.” He chuckled, stroking himself again.

Alex looked mischievously down at his own hard cock. “I ‘ave this butt plug, ‘ow ‘bout that? It’s so eager to fuck ya, and I bet so does yar ass to be pounded.” He’d forgot how dirty he could get with Miles. How he wouldn’t hold his tongue, and just be a filthy bastard around him when it came to sex. He liked that, the freedom.

Miles suspired, his face twitched into a half sad half amused expression. “Don't tease me. It’s already hard for me as it is.”

“Sorry.” Alex said simply, looking back at the TV, his smile fading a fraction. “May I kiss ya?” He wondered where the filthy man had gone, maybe he’d been swallowed whole by the romantic and shy man who lived in the moon in face of the rejection. Maybe Miles didn’t even want to be kissed anymore.

“Of course babe…of course. Please do.”

Alex looked back at Miles, and leaned in to kiss him. It was different than their making-out kisses. It wasn’t hunger or desperate, instead it was slow and agonising. Maybe it was because Alex had to settle for so little.

“Are ya alright Al?” Miles asked looking into his eyes.

“Yeah..” He said it unconvincingly and leaned in for another kiss, and another, and another. He then sighed and broke the kiss. “I wanna taste it.” He gestured to Miles’ cock, who without delay slid his index and middle fingers on his gland and then took them to Alex’s lips. Alex sucked firmly and prolongedly. His eyes fixed on Miles’ eyes, who lowly whimpered at the sight. Alex saw when Miles started stroking himself quicker, tugging firmly at his own cock. Alex mirrored.

On the video, semi forgotten in the background of their moans of the present, two younger versions of themselves touched each other without restrains. Both Miles and Alex shot glances at it from time to time as inspiration to their final goal, then back to their kisses, until the video had reached the moment Alex wanted to watch closely again, his favourite part. “Wait.” He told Miles, who snapped his head to the TV just like Alex had done. In the video, the two men gazed at each other like if nothing else in the world mattered, the young Miles was caressing Alex’s face, stroking a thumb on his cheek, smiling softly at him. “I’m so in love with ya Al.” Came the confession from the video, and the older Miles stared flabbergasted. “Was that…?”

“The first time ya said it, yeah…” Alex finished the sentence. That was exactly why it was his favourite video and his favourite part of the video. Two thousand and eleven had been a great year. If only he could go back in time, he would've done things differently. They’d say ‘I love you’ all the time back then, but not during sex, and certainly not with the weight of being in love. “I'm in love with ya too.” Came the reply.

Miles who still looked at the screen seemingly overwhelmed, turned and leaned in for another kiss. “I’m still in love with ya Al.” He admitted.

“I‘m still in love with ya too babe…” Alex grip got tighter on Miles’ waist, pulling him as close as he could without actually making their hard-ons touch. “I'll always love ya, always…” He then resumed the arduous-unsatisfying wanking task and also the marvellous task of kissing his lover. He was pretty close himself when he’d seen Miles spurting all over his stomach and his sheets, crying out Alex’s name like if the name was the only one he’d ever said when cumming. It was enough to make him orgasm, clutching Miles' skin so hard that Alex judged it might have been painful. He mumbled a sorry, Miles ignored it.

They both panted, kissing each other with breaks for air. “That was great to watch.” Was he talking about the video or about Alex climaxing? Maybe both.

Alex lied down on his back, right after removing the plug and placing it to his side on the sheets, everything would have to be washed anyway after their little session.

He felt like crying, it'd been nice but at the same time it’d been so sketchy. And it sank him that he might not fuck Miles again, ever! And that just hurt.

“What's up Alex, why are ya upset? I thought we've had a great time ‘ere. Ya’ve enjoyed it a whole lot, I can tell.”

Alex sighed, and stopped the video with the remote control he fetched from his nightstand. Silence. “We can’t even touch each other…it’s sad Miles…and pathetic. I’m pathetic.” Alex brought a sheet to his face, hiding. He was so embarrassed, even though he didn’t recognise the reason why, embarrassment wasn’t something he experienced much with Miles. 

Miles answered only by pressing his whole naked body to Alex’s, not minding the fluids on top of them. Now Alex knew he wouldn’t get a boner that soon, but he really wanted to, to test if the only reason Miles was holding him like this was because it was asexual. 

“Ya ‘ave someone else to satisfy yar needs. I ‘ave no one.” He said more to himself than to Miles, who in response just kissed him, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “I love ya…I love ya…” He whispered to Alex over and over, and it was like reaching a different type of orgasm. Alex kissed him back, still deflated though. He wanted to believe that it was about not being fully satisfied sexually, even though he knew pretty well that it was all about not being fully satisfied emotionally. It was all about his jealousy, and having to share Miles with another man. He dreaded Miles leaving to their home. Their home! Alan and Miles’ home! Fuck! The notion of it alone was unsettling. When this nightmare would finally end? When Miles would finally choose him? He wanted exclusivity, he’d even proposed to him, hadn’t it been clear?

***

When Miles finally went home, Alan was waiting for him. He sat on the living room floor, with many books surrounding him. He looked up at Miles, reaching him with one of his hands, he touched his arm softly. “Miles, come sit next to me.”

Miles did. He crossed legs on the floor. “Listening…” He said, not giving much about his spirits.

“Nothing in my life has ever prepared me for the events and news we’ve got this morning. I was terrified babe. This…” He gestured to the books spread on the floor. “…is me catching up.” He sighed. “I've been reading since I've got home. I went to the bookshop and bought every book I found on Down's Syndrome. I wanna be prepared. I wanna know what to do when the baby comes.”

Miles could tell he’d been crying. He had puffy and red eyes. Miles' heart swelled with love and admiration for that man. Alan went as far as to buy more books, even though he'd read the same baby books that Miles had read, some of them did approach the subject, probably not even close to the extent these ones in the living room did though. Alan did indeed care after all. “I'm sorry I've reacted that way, of course we’re having the baby, and I understand your concerns with the test. You’re right. And I love you, and I just want to see you happy honey. I’m so sorry…”

“Don't cry, it’s alright me love, it’s alright.” Miles said pulling him for a hug, placing kisses to his hair. “I'm glad ya've changed yar mind.”

“You’re crying as well Mi…”

“I'm just emotional, that’s all. Ya’re so good to me. Never ‘ave I thought I’d have someone so amazing by me side. I love ya.” He said kissing Alan’s lips. “I love ya so much.” He kissed him some more. He’d got the best husband in the world. He was loving, affectionate, not to mention how gorgeous and hot he was as well. He freaking cooked for God’s sake! Why the hell he still thought so much of Alex? Why he couldn’t focus solely on Alan? Alex is just a friend, so why he was jerking off with him to a sex tape of them. The guilty he felt was not constant. It’d come and go, but it certainly existed. And he felt awful doing that to Alan. Alan had been nothing but good to him. 

“New ring?” Alan looked down to Miles' hand. For a second Miles forgot about it completely. 

“Oh yeah…do ya like it?” He held his breath.

“Well, a bit too big I’d say.” He chuckled. “But it’s…Mmm…pretty.”

Miles let out the breath he’d held, relieved."I think so too.” Not that Alan would appreciate for a second that the ring was an engagement ring, so his approval would have been not only irrelevant but also completely inappropriate. Miles wanted his validation though, and getting it was a relief he couldn’t fully understand. 

Alan raised an eyebrow. “Gift?”

“Eh…” He stuttered. “Nope, I bought it. Saw it, liked it, and bought as a treat to meself.” He smiled trying to push his lie down the other man’s throat. Alan just smiled back and nodded seemingly acquiescing. Miles could use some of the telepathy thing he’d got with Alex with Alan, but nothing came to his mind, to him Alan’s mind always came as a blank canvas.

“I know things with the baby may not be perfect, but are you alright honey?” Alan wanted to know, as he kissed Miles’ every finger.

“Yes, I’ll be more than alright, I’m sure darling. Maybe I’m just stressed.” Miles confirmed.

“How about if we go to bed? I have ways of helping with that…” Alan winked as he suggested.

Miles interrupted. “Nope 'oney, let’s sleep, we’ve had a crazy day.” And he felt oddly satisfied from that session with Alex. It hadn’t been much but somehow it’d been everything he needed. Alex in his arms, naked, loving him. Alex had always been everything he’d ever needed, and that really sucked.

***

Alex and Miles had kept jerking off together and making out almost every day for months. Alan and Miles’ marriage was suffering, although Miles himself wouldn’t admit it. Miles had been satisfied enough to refuse sex, not always, but sufficiently for Alan to start becoming clingy and insecure. Needless to say, Miles didn’t like clinginess and control over him.

With the pregnancy reaching its six months, one day he’d called Alex, inviting him to come over to meet Olivia. There'd be a baby shower, and her as the surrogate would be there to give an opportunity to people close to Miles and Alan to say hi to the baby. Also, as a nice gesture, Olivia would get gifts as well, since she’d be giving them the greatest gift of them all.

Alex said yes to the invitation, and the last time he’d seen Alan was at the doctor’s office. Miles was slightly anxious about putting them in the same room at the same time, but it was Alex, and that would be an important day for Miles. No way he wouldn’t invite him.

***

It was five minutes to five o’clock when Alex already waited at Miles and Alan’s door. He was early, he should have waited home for another hour and come here fashionably late. However, he’d been stressing over the event for a long time and he couldn’t wait a second more. Pauline was supposed to come as well, and he hadn’t seen her in a while. How would she take Alex coming back to Miles’ life after all that he’d done? Miles was used to talk to her every day. He knew that Pauline still talked, very often in fact, to his own mom, so maybe she wasn’t that upset with him after all. On top of that, he'd struggled to find the right presents, and he was still unsure of the choices he’d made. He held the basket close to his chest, with the items he’d picked meticulously himself. He couldn’t help but wonder if Miles would like them or not, or if Alan would find a way of promptly getting rid of that basket, blaming it on the poor choices he might have made. He held the basket even closer at the thought. Alan wasn’t supposed to be the baby’s father, he was. And he knew how petty-minded he’d sound if he ever chose to vocalise that, but as delusional as it may sound, he knew deep in his heart that John was his as much as he was Miles’.

“Hey, look who’s ‘ere.” Miles greeted him, looking impeccable as always. Alex wondered if he himself was dressed appropriately. He was wearing tight jeans, white t-shirt and his leather jacket. Miles was wearing a striped pair of skinny trousers which he deemed new and his old but still perfect black and white polka shirt. Yes, Alex was probably underdressed in comparison, but wasn’t he always?

“I'm early.” He remarked, a tad uncomfortable to say the very least. Off to a great start.

“Ya're never early. If anything ya’re late.” Miles mumbled in his ear and chuckled. “Come in. And let me carry this for ya.” He gestured to the basket and Alex shook his head. “If ya insist Al.”

Alex wanted to carry that basket inside and to not lose sight of it, just for precaution. It could also work as a marvellous place to hide if things were to get ugly.

They stepped inside the house, Alex could see that a young pregnant woman was in the living room, alone to her thoughts she waited. “Alan is in the kitchen, of course. But ‘ere she is! The star of the party. Al, this is Olivia. Olivia, this is…” And Alex finally placed the big basket to the coffee table to hug her.

“I know who he is! Oh my God! Alex Turner!!! I swear half the reason I decided on doing this for Miles has been in hopes of meeting you. I’m such a fan!!!!”

“That's very nice to meet ya Olivia.” He hugged her briefly and smiled. Very charming, he’d now enchanted the surrogate. “May I?” He gestured to the belly. Olivia was quick to nod.

Alex dropped to his knees and hugged the belly. “'ow is my babeh doing in there?” Uncharacteristic of him, he knew, but with Johnny in there and this being their first ever interaction, plus the pliability that came with Olivia being a fan, he couldn’t resist. He looked to his side and caught Miles all emotional looking at the scene, until he saw Alan was now next to him, whispering words he could still make out. 

"Why is he calling the baby “my baby”? Is he insane?” Alan inquired.

“He's the godfather Alan.” Miles replied nonchalantly.

“What? Why haven’t we discussed this beforehand?” Alan retorted.

“We'll talk later.” Miles cut him off.

“He really likes you Alex.” Olivia giggled. “Look Miles, Johnny loves his voice. Come here, feel it.” Miles walked up to them and put his hand on her belly. “You may talk to the baby again Alex.” That was sufficient to spook Alan away, making him walk back to the kitchen.

Alex proceeded. “I can’t wait to meet ya little guy. I love ya so much.”

“Wow, he kicked!” Miles said looking down at Alex who was still on the floor. 

“I'll teach ya 'ow to play the guitar…” He said and Miles protested with a 'hey'. “Okay, okay, we’ll teach ya 'ow to play the guitar, and I’ll teach ya ‘ow to play the piano.” Miles nodded in agreement, he knew Alex was better at the piano.

“Awww…” Olivia suspired. “Are you still single Alex? Last time I’ve heard you were. I should most definitely leave you my number before I go if that’s the case.” More giggles. Alex took it as the cue to stand up. “I…actually…eh…” He stuttered and scratched the back of his head.

Miles tried to help. “He’s taken Olivia.” Alex smiled at how Miles was quick to claim him. Well, not exactly but still…

“Ahhhhh….” She lamented. “That's a shame.”

“Half of England agrees with ya…Shame!” Miles added, glancing at Alex, who giggled and ran a hand through his hair seductively.

Olivia was very young, mid twenties. She'd told Alex over tea how she was doing the surrogacy thing so she could pay her student loans. Alex deemed it honourable. How else would gay couples have a baby? Maybe in the future would be different, but for now that was all that they had. 

They both had eaten some of the finger foods for the baby shower before the party actually started. Olivia had the excuse that she was eating for two and Alex had no excuse other than his nerves. He didn’t like to admit, but Alan was really a good chef. 

People started coming in, one after another, people Alex didn’t know. It made him feel more awkward. Apart from Olivia, and Miles of course, nobody really seemed to like him. They were Alan’s friends and Miles’ newer friends, people who weren’t part of their circle. Apparently Miles cut their mutual friends out of his life, and Alex found himself responsible, yet again.

Finally, Pauline came in. Talkative as always, she babbled to Miles about the Uber driver being a proper gentleman, who'd come to London to work and support his family. She even told him about the bloke’s new wife and three kids, and how one of his nephews was gay and proud. When she saw Olivia though, she was left speechless, she just walked up directly to her and hugged the girl. When she finally seemed to have recovered her ability to talk she thanked her for carrying her grandson, and told her she couldn’t be happier for Miles and her son in law. She then slowly looked around to check her surroundings and spotted Alex, who was sat in the corner of the room on the couch. Alex bashfully waved at her and smiled, he felt when tension took over his body. Pauline walked up to him, with the biggest of the smiles, Alex stood up immediately to greet her.

“Alex, son! Long time no see!!” She pulled him into a bear hug. “I always talk to yar mom, and I ask ‘bout ya. She always say ya’re busy with the band. I missed ya though.” She took a seat on the couch and Alex joined her back on it again.

“I missed ya as well Pauline. Such a pleasure getting to see ya today.” He smiled fondly at her. How long is it gonna take for her to ask about him and Miles though?

Pauline moved closer to Alex’s ear. “My Miles almost died without ya son. I was really worried.” She wasn’t trying to scold Alex, she was probably just curious about what happened to them.

“I nearly died meself Pauline. But I guess I was the one to blame. I pushed him away, I shouldn’t 'ave.” He sighed and looked into her eyes, so she could tell he was being honest.

“Ya know Aly, I love me son in law…but I've always thought ya were the one. Miles still talks ‘bout ya to this very day like ya were still together.” She said in a very low voice.

'Because we are together' he wanted to say, however, apparently Miles didn’t want his mom to know he was a cheater. “Well, I love ‘im still. I’m ‘ere for him Pauline, I’ll always be.”

“I appreciate that…and I’m sure he loves ya too.” She sighed. “If only ya haven’t kept this from Penny, we would have ya married to each other now.”

Alex chuckled, he wanted to ask. “Ya know her pretty well…’ow would she take it? tha knows…knowing that I’m gay.” He whispered the last part.

“Oh son, surely she’s got her suspicions already. I mean, I knew Miles was gay since he was what…” She wondered. "Three maybe…Okay I wasn’t one hundred percent sure, but I already had in the back of my mind, call it instinct. Then he grew to be a teen and he’d still date girls, which I didn’t really countered at the time even though it was surprising. Then ya finally came along, and it was so obvious to me. Crystal clear. He was so in love, he adored ya. And yar reciprocation haven’t gone unnoticed to Penny either. She'd talked to me about it, but I couldn’t say a word to confirm it, respecting yar privacy.”

“She did what?" Alex asked astonished.

“She'd say something like ‘Pauline, do ya think the boys are more than friends?’, and I’d reply ‘I don’t know Penny. How was I supposed to know?’” She sighed. “She’s asked me more than once, and when ya two grew apart, she couldn’t understand. She’d ask me if I knew anything about it, and honestly I was clueless ‘bout that as well, which helped me ‘cause there was no need for lying.”

“I'm so sorry Pauline, I ‘ate that ya had to lie, I’m really sorry. But on the other hand, thank ya. Whenever I come out, I’d rather tell ‘er meself.”

“I totally understand that son. Don’t worry, yar secret is safe with me.” She winked at him and patted his thigh. They both turn to look at Miles’ direction, as always the centre of attention at any party, he was surrounded by most of the guests, distracted as he entertained them. “I've tried Pauline…I’ve tried to fall out of love with 'im but I just can’t, I love ‘im way too much. I can’t seem to quit.”

Pauline looked back at him, her gentle countenance giving away what’d come next. “I shouldn’t say that to ya Alex, so let this be our little secret.” She leaned closer. “If ya can’t let him go, ya should fight for him.” She patted Alex’s thigh one more time, and before he could look at her face she was up and walking up to Olivia again.

Did Alex listen to that right? What was she suggesting? That Alex should just go and break Miles marriage and steal him? What type of fight was she talking about? Alex didn’t want to fight, he only wanted to be chosen, by Miles. Miles knew Alex was an option, he made himself very clear. How else should he fight for him? How else could he prove to him how much he loved him? How else could he prove to him that he’d be by his side no matter what? He was running out of time. Once the baby was born things would get complicated. Alan would be the baby’s father for life, Miles would have that link with Alan forever despite any future divorce. He was running out of time, he was losing his family, he only had three months to get his Miles back.

The party had been going on for a few hours, Alex had mostly observed. Miles would go to him every ten minutes, to make him feel welcomed. He’d rub his back and whisper sweet things in his ear, he’d been obviously making an effort. Alex had appreciated that, sometimes he'd even felt like the husband himself, and not the paramour, mainly because Alan had remained out of sight in the kitchen the whole time.

They’d cut the cake and handed slices to all guests, a big two-tier blue and yellow cake with a rubber duck on top, chocolate in the inside. It complemented well the balloons in the same colour and the ‘It's a boy!' garland hung up on the wall. He'd made a mental notice to compliment Miles on the decoration, he knew it was his doing.

Before the party had died down, and there’d been still enough buzzing in the living room, Miles had asked Alex for help getting the party favours upstairs. Alex had gladly followed him, he liked to be of service, but how shocked he’d got when Miles kissed him.

“What's that for?” Alex asked puzzled but with a grin he couldn’t shake off.

“We haven’t seen each other in three days, I missed ya so much.” He kissed Alex again. In his house. With Alan downstair. He was breaking his own rules. “And the baby likes ya.” One more sloppy and rushed kiss, then he pulled apart.

“Of course he does Miles. He’s got yar DNA.” Alex looked at the door to check if no one was there, and once confirmed they were still alone, he pulled Miles for another kiss.

Miles pulled apart and made a shushing sound, whispering. “Johnny gets very excited with me voice and yars, but he doesn’t seem to like Alan that much, to be honest.” He half giggled.

“I'm not surprised, he wanted to end him.” 

“Yeah…that’s true.” Miles accepted it with a sigh. “Let's go downstairs before someone comes for us.” He grabbed Alex’s hand and walked decided to the door.

“Miles, wait! The party favours!” Alex reminded him. Interesting that would be, they back to the party without the reason why they went upstairs.

“Oh shit! I almost forgot.” They grabbed the bags and went back to the party.

***

Finally people started leaving, it was already around eight in the evening, the sunlight was gone therefore they had the lights on in the garden. The temperature was still surprisingly pleasant for September, Alex guessed that was why Miles had chosen to have the party now rather than later during the pregnancy. He quietly stood outside, leaning on the house's wall, observing everything, absorbed and distant.

“You love him, don’t you Turner?” Alan’s voice disturbed the silence.

Alex stared dreamily at Miles, who talked cheerfully to Olivia’s belly. He half turned his head to Alan. “Ya wouldn’t know ‘ow much.”

“Not as much as I do, I’m sure of that.” Alan retorted and Alex scoffed scornfully. “But it’s not a competition, I hope you know that…” He continued.

It was a competition, and he felt like the one winning, sometimes…some other times he just felt like the one losing. “Of course…it’s up to Miles, who he chooses. There are no competitors ‘ere.”

“Do you really, really love him Alex? ‘cause…look at him.” He gestured towards Miles. "Look how happy he is! Would you want to hurt him all over again? ‘cause I know you did hurt him before.” Alan leaned on a wall next to him, with both facing the garden, they calmly talked despite the subject and the tensed arguments of the past. Alan stared at Miles just as dreamily, Alex had noticed.

“The only reason he’s ‘appy is ‘cause I’m 'ere. Take me out of the equation and he’d be miserable again.”

“As a friend, that’s how he needs you.” Alan tried to remind him. "For everything else there’s me.”

Condescending prick. Before knowing Alex was telling him what he wasn’t supposed to.  
“Not when we snog each other ‘till are lips almost bleed, every second we’re alone…” Alex waited for the blow. He wanted to be hit, right in the middle of the face. Miles would see how much of a jerk his husband was and finally leave him, but surprisingly Alan just gave him a weak shrug.

“I know.” He sighed. “If you’ve tried to make me angry just now Turner, you've failed miserably. You’re just as naive as him, thinking you’ve been sneaking around. He comes home reeking of you…” His voice carried nothing but disgust. "Then he showers and he is good as new. He’s my Miles again.”

‘My Miles?' He must be fucking kidding.

“And that doesn’t bother you at all?” Alex asked amused at the very least. The guy didn’t mind being cheated on? At all?

“As long as Miles and I are happy together, as long as what we have is solid, honestly I don’t care. It’s Miles, I knew pretty well who I was marrying to.” 

Alex was so tempted to tell him they had fucked, still he didn’t want to cause any troubles for Miles, and he knew he'd said way too much already, he shouldn’t have said they'd snogged in the first place. Also, they had fucked under the influence of ridiculous amounts of alcohol, and sober they’d just jerked off at the same time, he’d hardly call that fucking.

“I won’t give him up, I think ya should know tha’.” Alex just wanted to give him a heads up, out of kindness. The man wouldn’t know where the blow came from. Miles would be his, it was just a matter of time.

“You'd fuck it up Turner, like you always do. He’d come running back to me. Moreover, I’d be the one snogging him on your back until he does, because Miles can’t stop, he enjoys the thrill. You’d be constantly cheated on, I guarantee you that, just like you do to me now.” Alan got closer to Alex. “How about that huh? Did you really think I didn’t know my husband? I’m tough Turner, you wanna take me down? And for what? Aren’t you embarrassed of even trying to fuck this up for Miles? After everything you’ve done to him? Just leave him be Turner! Keep snogging him for all I care, it’s with me he sleeps every night, it’s to me he wakes up every morning, and I’m the one he's building a family with.” 

“They’re both mine, just so ya know.” Now that he’d started it was difficult to stop. The provocation.

"Everyone knows you’re incapable of coming out…” Alan said softly.

“Fuckin' watch me.” He spat out. Angriness building up in his body, maybe he’d be the one punching Alan’s face after all.

“You should see the letters then, the messages and e-mails Miles had got when he’d announced he’d marry me. Mostly from your fans, I must say. Although Miles wanted to get rid of it, I kept it for you. I knew this day would come.”

He shouldn’t ask, Alan was clearly playing him. “What are those about?” 

“Hate…especially on how Miles have made you uncomfortable so many times and maybe even made you gay. Threats of beating and even murder. Now imagine if you ever come out? Miles would have to go through that shit all over again, the hate he’d get would be much worse than the last time. Maybe those people would finally make the threats a reali-”

“I don’t believe ya.” He said almost panting, shaking his head in disbelief, trying not to catch Miles’ attention, who was still dedicated to the belly.

“You don’t have to…” He tutted. “…just wait for the parcel.”

“Not scared of tha' and am not gonna surrender Alan. I’m genuinely sorry ya’ll get hurt in all of this.” Or maybe he wasn’t sorry at all. “So it’d be better if you left ‘im already.” Both kept a soft and fake smile on their faces as Miles finally stopped chatting with the baby and started walking up to them.

“Not going anywhere Turner. Keep fooling yourself.” Alan said wrapping up their conversation, snapping his head to face Miles who got close to them, with a big smile on his face.

“Look at youse, bonding. Me favourite boys!” He chuckled and hugged both Alan and Alex, pulling them off of the wall. “Let's head inside. We shall open the godfather’s presents first, yeah?” He said glancing at Alex fondly. Alan looked like he was holding back a groan. As a matter of fact, Alan insecurity only worked in Alex’s favour. 

***

The first present was for Olivia. A beautiful gold necklace with a heart pendant, with a simple 'thank you' in the back. If she was already enchanted, she’d only gone deeper.

Dozens of baby onesies were in the basket that Alex had protected so fiercely since he’d got here. Baby toys including a monkey - which Alex had made sure was one-hundred percent safe for the baby - also filled the basket. A fashionable baby bag he’d bought with Miles in mind, some other essentials like baby toiletries and a lovely duck towel Alex was particularly fond of. Among the other gifts, there was a wrapped one in a weird shape, while all the others were just loose inside the basket, which itself had been wrapped in clear cellophane with blue clouds.

“Wow, Al! Ya’ve exceeded yarself."

“I think he’s just overdone it, like always.” Alan smiled cynically. "After the baby is born he’ll have to rein in, or he’ll spoil the child.” Why he keeps talking like if Alex wasn’t right here?

“Nonsense! Al, please spoil Johnny, ya ‘ave me blessing."

“Miles!” Alan scolded.

“What? What’s the problem with tha'? I can’t imagine a better godfather than one that’ll shower the boy with presents and love.”

Clearly Alan thought the presents were much better than the love part, therefore he scoffed.

“Open that one now Miles.” Alex pointed to the gift with a weird shape. It was flat, squared, Alex had wrapped it and adorned it with an animal print ribbon. That’s the one he was most excited about, and at the same time most worried about.

“Okay!” Miles said excited like a kid on Christmas’ day. He grabbed the package and shook it. “I think it’s a vinyl.”

“Is it?” Alex asked teasingly. “Mmmmm…maybe. Just open it.”

Miles looked at him briefly and grinned, Alan didn’t look excited, Pauline looked at Miles expectant and Olivia looked at Alex and at Miles like if they were ping-pong players and the conversation the ball. Miles ripped the wrapping paper and stared at it wide-eyed for a long moment. His voice barely made the word. “Really?” He doubted. Alex saw when the tears got to Miles’ eyes, while Alex was just as emotional. “Are ya serious?”

Alex smiled widely at him. “Of course I’m serious, that’s me present to Johnny.” He hesitated. “But only If ya want it too…”

Miles put the vinyl down, stood up from his place on the floor and pulled Alex, who was on the couch, for a hug. He kissed Alex's cheek affectionally. “Of course I want it too. Of course. That’ll be boss Al.”

“What’s just happened?” Pauline asked.

“Yes, what’s that about?” Olivia inquired, probably extremely curious whilst having a peek of their private lives.

“It's a vinyl…” Miles started. “Unrecorded…” Alex added. Miles grabbed the album again and turned the album cover for everyone to see. There was written 'The Last Shadow Puppets’, with the number three bellow it. At the very bottom of the cover a dedication ‘To our John.’

“That's too much emotion for a pregnant woman!” Olivia blurted out already crying.

“Finally boys!!! Finally! I’m so happy for ya!!!! I need to call Penny right now!” Pauline cheered already getting up and fetching for her phone.

“Do you really think you’ll have time for a new album and a tour with a baby?” Alan almost shouted. Everyone looked at him, even Pauline who was at the dinner room with her phone.

“Hey Alan, chill!” Miles said really low, bringing Alan to the corner of the room, leaving Alex to deal with a pregnant crying bomb. Alex could still overhear them though. "Many bands take their kids on tour, if they can make it work we can make it work.”

“I can’t go on tours Miles. I have a restaurant to manage and another one to open. I’ve been working my ass off for this, and you know it.” Alan brought a hand to his own face, he was really in need to chill, thought Alex. What an innocent TLSP tour would cause him? Nothing in particular, right? If anything he wouldn’t have a crying baby at home all the time, as the baby would be touring with Miles and Alex, with whom he belonged by the way.

“But maybe ya can take some time off and join us. We can tour only in Europe, and have longer breaks. If I were to release a new album, I’d be touring again alone anyway, we ‘ave to pay the bills as well, ya know that. TLSP is also a bigger name than mine, I’d make enough money to stop playing for a few years. Wouldn’t ya appreciate that?”

“But Miles, how close would you get on stage? And worse, off stage. I can’t Miles…I can’t cope…” Ok, the last part Alex is not entirely sure he’d heard, however, he'd seen when Miles had pulled Alan for a hug and had kissed him, prolongedly. And if that hadn’t being dreadful enough - making a black hole form in his stomach that could potentially extinguish humanity and the rest of the universe - the worst part was still to come. “You ‘ave nothing to worry about.” Miles whispered to Alan. 

Didn’t he though? Nothing to worry about huh? That hurt Alex to the core.

Pauline came back from the phone call and told Alex how happy his mom was, knowing the boys were going to work together again. He smiled uneasy at her, still unable to pull himself together.

After Alan and Miles had had that little talk, Alex kept thinking about how Miles treated Alex the same way he'd treated Alan. With the same sweet talk, with the same promises and with the same reassurances. And in addition to the perfect storm that was already bubbling inside him, Alex had an epiphany. Sat there on the couch, he'd watched Pauline, Alan, Miles and Olivia talking and making plans for the baby. Alan had said he’d teach him how to cook and how to paint - one of his hobbies - since the bastard was also good at that, like being good looking wasn’t enough. Miles had described how they should prepare for the first nights they wouldn’t get any sleep and Alan had laughed so hard saying ‘I don’t get any sleep now anyways.’. Pauline had asked them to go to the Wirral more often, and then they'd planned a whole barbecue party thing. Even Olivia had been included in some of the plans - yes…the surrogate, not even the egg donor - but not Alex. For those minutes, Miles had seemed to have forgot about Alex completely, and for the very first time in a while, he'd felt left out. Miles hadn’t checked on him, hadn’t made an effort to include him or make him feel welcomed. It was almost like an out-of-body experience for Alex. He hovered his body and witnessed his heart being broken, he'd finally realised that Miles had a family that didn’t include him. As a result of the sudden realisation, Alex stood up, didn’t care for goodbyes, lit himself a cigarette and walked back home. He desperately needed some time alone to think.


	9. He's the One for Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you all! When I started writing this story I opted not to tell the reader about Alan's appearance, but recently I've seen a photo of an actor who looks pretty much like how I've always imagined Alan. The actor is Bryan Dechart, but my Alan has blue eyes. Hopefully I haven't spoiled how you've imagined him to be like. Enjoy!

The parcel had arrived in the morning next day, and what a trojan horse. Alex had read every single one of the threats to Miles, to the very man he solely loved, but he still couldn’t believe his eyes, even though his own eyes were never to be questioned. Right in front of him lied thousands of minacious words, brutally depicting how they would hurt his Miles, shame him or - to his utter dismay - kill him. Alex had been crying too hard since the first hate letter he’d held. The whole of Alan’s speech had been echoing his mind ceaselessly.

_You love him, don’t you Turner?_

_Would you want to hurt him all over again? ‘cause I know you did hurt him before._

_As a friend, that’s how he needs you._

_You'd fuck it up Turner, like you always do. He’d come running back to me._

_You’d be constantly cheated on, I guarantee you that._

_Now imagine if you ever come out? Miles would have to go through that shit all over again, the hate he’d get would be much worse than the last time. Maybe those people would finally make the threats a reali-_

He sobbed, immersed in the song 'Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me’ by the Smiths, that played on repeat in the background. The song was only muffled by a soft sweet timbre who’d say over and over again.

You ‘ave nothing to worry about

He needed to let Miles go. Miles was happy, healthy, starting a family. It was about time Alex would start acting like his friend, since that was what he was, that was what he was supposed to be, just that. He heard some shuffling on the floor next to him, looking up he saw Miles. Sometimes he’d just forget he’d got a key. The man stopped dead in his tracks with an empty stare. “What the…!” He shouted. “What's going on Al?” He reached for him unmistakably confused. “Ya were not answering the phone, can ya imagine how worried I was? Why are ya crying? What the fuck's happened?” Alex just let himself be held, he shook one of the letters Miles’ way, unable to articulate an explanation. Miles made a 'huh' that sounded like an acknowledgement, confirming that Alan was telling the truth, all of these pages in his hands were not fabricated.

“Where did ya get them?” Miles asked petting Alex’s hair calmly. His voice gentle and collected.

“Alan's sent me…these…” Alex trembled and sobbed, burying his face in the crook of Miles’ neck. He heard Miles muttering a ‘fuck’ before proceeding. “It's alright Aly, nothin’s happened. Okay?” He looked at Alex, but Alex just shook his head.

“Give us a kiss babe.” Miles requested. Alex shook his head again. “We can’t."

“'cause of the letters?” He cocked an eyebrow. “That’s nothin’ Al, for every threatening e-mail I’ve got there were a thousand supportive ones, but of course Alan hasn’t showed ya those.” He sighed and pressed Alex closer to his chest. “Babe, don’t worry. Ya always worry too much. There are a lot of people saying shit on the internet, all of the threats were anonymous, that says a lot about the cowardice behind the handle, right? Don’t worry baby. It’s really alright…” He kissed Alex’s hair and gently lifted his head with a finger under his chin. “Now please, give me a kiss.”

Alex sat upright and wiped the tears off his face. “No kisses. We really shouldn’t. It’s time for us to be just friends and friends don’t snog. Ya ‘ave a 'usband, a family, and ya’re so ‘appy. I can’t keep doing this to ya.” A tear rolled down his cheek and became an addition to his already wet shirt.

“Doing what Alex? Ya’re not making me do anythin’. Do ya realise that, don’t ya?"

Alex shook his head again. “I wouldn’t stop Miles. If we don’t set things straight right now, I wouldn’t stop 'til I destroyed yar marriage.” He looked at Miles expectantly, an inch of him wanted Miles to say ‘Go on, destroy it! I’m yours.’, but the rest of him knew that it wouldn’t be any good for Miles. What if he were to leave Alan just to miss him afterwards? What if he regretted it? What if Alex came out and people would threat him again and in worse ways? There were too many apocalyptical scenarios to let one’s imagination go wild with the hypothesises. Purely and simply, we were talking about hypothesises here, nothing more than that. Reality was that Miles was married to another man and they were soon to be parents. They were a family, and Alex was playing with fire.

“Nonsense, just give me a kiss, I’ve missed ya babe, ya vanished yesterday, and the only reason I hadn’t followed ya was because I had to clean after the party and me mom was there. I’m sorry…please don’t be upset with me for too long huh? I’d get all worked up, ya know me.” He leaned in and kissed Alex briefly, it was barely a kiss but Alex soon turned his face to the other side.

“I've heard ya talking to Alan, and I’m not gonna say this out of resentment or jealousy,” Even though he was indeed over-jealous and resentful. “but ya love ‘im. And it hurts every cell of me body to admit tha’ Miles.” Miles tried to shush him with a finger but Alex dismissively waved him a hand. “He's a great guy, and he loves ya too. And ya’ll never be mine. It’s ‘bout time I snap out of it and get a life.”

Miles snorted, holding Alex again. “This is just ya trying to run away, it’s always like that, always.” He argued. “It's taken too long for ya to start doing that again, I was finding it surprising how long it was taking. First ignoring me calls, and now this Alex. Ya’re trying to abandon me again.” Alex felt when Miles’ hands started sweating around him. “Please…just don’t.” He breathed out.

“It's nothin’ like tha’, I’m not goin’ anywhere this time. We’ll be friends, I love ya, ya can rest assured I’m here for ya as promised. We’ll be friends without the benefits, that’s all.” He felt his body vibrating from Miles trembling frame, he looked up to see he was crying, somehow Miles’ tears overrode his own, as if the only thing he felt was the new damp spot on his shoulder. Maybe he was still crying, he couldn’t really tell, he could only notice that the sadness hadn’t left his body at all. It profoundly broke his heart, but he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t get attached to Miles even further to a point of no turning back, to a point he’d find himself obliterating the whole planet to be with him if necessary, regardless of how Miles would feel.

“I…just…Al…don’t…please…” He stuttered pointless, nothing really came out from his mouth, whatever he wanted to say, he just didn’t. He hadn’t denied that he loved Alan, neither he had asked for Alex to fight for him. It looked like Alex was making him a huge favour by taking a step back.

“We'll be alright Mi…” He wanted to trust that, that they would be alright. Maybe Miles had a better chance than Alex. “We'll be fine…ya’ll be safe and that’s everything I could ever wish for.”

“I’d be safe either way Alex, there’s no need for tha’.” He countered.

“If there was no Alan and we got together, If I came out, the threats would be much worse.”

“Ya won’t ever come out Alex, why are ya obsessing so much about this now?”

“That’s the point Miles, I would come out, for ya I would! But at what price? Destroying yar stable life with Alan, who ya love by the way,” This tasted bitter than aspirins. “just to drag ya down that path again. It’s just not worth it. And it’s not fair. I wouldn’t stop Miles, I wouldn’t stop ‘till ya were mine. Do ya understand that? I wouldn’t ever be happy with just some snogging sessions, I’d need more, I’d need ya for meself.”

Miles leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. He sighed, pondering. “I wouldn’t be able to stop either.”

“Now ya know why I’m insisting on tha’.” Alex said defeated, Miles didn’t want him to fight for him. He’d chosen Alan, it was clear now.

“Do ya want the ring back?” Miles looked down at his hand. Alex shook his head. “Of course not. It’s yars, I’ve given it to ya as a symbol of me love, and me love for ya hasn’t changed. Actually…” Alex shoved his hand in his pocket and took out his own ring, which was there secured by a safety pin. He held the ring for Miles to see. “I’m gonna wear it on me necklace so ya know I’m serious, and that I’m not going anywhere.”

There was a moment of silence, Miles held him closer. “I’ll miss yar kisses.” He cried, his head falling on top of Alex’s shoulder, where he kissed softly.

Alex put the ring on his necklace then he almost leaned in for a kiss, but he refrained.

“I love ya too.” Miles sighed sadly, pausing for a minute as he seemed to contemplate his options. He groaned loudly. “Fuck this, fuck this. I’m kissing ya.” He kissed him.

“Miles…no…” Alex protested without actually pushing him away.

“Hear me out. I don’t regret coming out for a second Alex, neither would ya. Ya think ya’re protecting me, but every day ya choose to live this lie ya’re killing a new piece of me. Ya’re choosing for me, ya’re choosing it basing on what ya think it’s good for me, but I can tell ya right now ya’re wrong! I want to stay with ya, I wanna kiss ya, I can’t live without ya. If we were to destroy each other, I’d rather we imploded together than apart. Without you nothing makes any sense. Wanna hurt me, go on…leave me, but I don’t want to go backwards baby. Believe me, if I could trust you I’d choose you over anybody else, at anytime. But look at you trying to leave me yet again."

“Ya’re still married to Alan, Miles. Do ya think it’s right to kiss me and to wank with me? 'Cause this conversation is long overdue. We never talk. Do ya love me more than ya love him?”

“Yes! One hundred percent yes!” His answer was quick and Alex judged it came from the heart. “He's a close second though. That’s why I don’t leave him. Al…without ya I almost died, but without him I’d have died for real.”

“What’re ya talkin’ about?” Alex asked puzzled.

Miles went silent, his eyes avoided Alex’s as his gaze dropped to the floor. “I was unconscious when he found me and called an ambulance.”

***

It was just one of those days when nothing really worked out the way we expected to. One of their suppliers was late, not in a fashionable way, but hours late. The food preparation was already off schedule, thus the delay, which meant lunch time wouldn’t happen on time and unhappy costumers would give him an earful. Things weren’t going well at home either and that really worried him. He was tired, he was away all the time and he couldn’t really concentrate on his work.

He’d cut himself twice already in the last three hours, and although people may think that as a professional chef he'd get cut a lot, it was exactly the opposite. He knew his way around knifes. Knifes were his best friends, things he could trust entirely. If they were well sharpened they’d do their job. If he was focused on his chopping, he wouldn’t get cut. Miles on the other hand, he wasn’t as predictable as his blades, and he was the main reason Alan couldn’t focus on what he was doing now.

Alan remembered like if it was yesterday when he’d first seen him. Alan had been working at a hotel, giving a workshop on Italian food. Miles was a guest at the same hotel. Alan had just wanted to go to the pool himself, and stretch his tired aching body on those loungers, but he couldn’t because he’d got to work, and he was a professional before anything else. So he’d just stare at it, dreamily from the distance, while their students slash guests at the hotel would do the part that didn’t require supervision. That’d been one of the moments he’d spotted Miles. Peacefully sunbathing, glistening under the French Riviera’s sun. Fucking gorgeous, he recalled. He'd known then and there who Miles was, although he was a chef teaching how to cook Italian food at a French hotel - he also could see the irony here - he was British, and he could even called himself a fan. So there he was, drooling over a straight man, or so he’d thought.

Alan had got in deep pretty quickly. He’d stared at him walking to the pool every morning, and then back in for lunch, and back to the pool in the afternoon. Miles had complimented the restaurant’s chef once, he’d seen it. Miles was definitely a food appreciator and that really had sparkled something special in Alan’s heart. He’d got as far as to plan how to act the day he’d join his workshop, if he’d ever. He’d practiced in front of his bathroom mirror repeatedly until he’d achieved a level of confidence that wouldn’t leave him speechless in front of Miles’ beautiful hazel eyes.

Eventually, there was a rainy day, and Miles had stared at the pool from the inside, looking rather bored and a little sad. Alan had known that it was his only chance and fortunately for him, Miles had finally walked in to join his class. Him and at least more fifteen bored-out-of-their-minds hotel guests, unfortunately.

Alan could barely talk to him, since he’d been busy answering questions everyone had about how to not overcook their pasta. After the end of the workshop, Miles had stayed behind though. He’d told Alan about his passion for food, and then he’d talked some more but about his passion for music. Alan had listened with enthusiasm to all of the stories Miles had wanted to tell. He saw he was one of a kind - even if he'd got lost in him way too much, he hadn’t been distracted enough to not see his uniqueness. He was talkative, and enthusiastic, and loud, and Alan loved every little thing about him. They’d gone to the pool on Alan’s last day there. It’d been his day off, and he’d finally got to join Miles at those loungers. It’d been like a dream. They’d talked like if they’d been friends forever. They had so much things in common. Their taste in music, their predilections for Italian food, their achievement drive.

He hadn’t told Miles back then that he was a fan, he’d played it cool. He'd confessed weeks later, over wine and a home cooked meal. He’d been enchanted by Miles at first sight, mesmerised at first talk, and when they’d finally shared their first kiss, he was already in love. Stupidly and madly in love with him. They hadn’t become a couple right the way, they’d been more on friends-with-benefits terms for a while. They’d gone out to drink together, with other friends (or third wheels in Alan’s mind), and they’d end up in bed later in the night. Sometimes though, Miles would just reject him. He’d say he had something in the morning and would have an early night. Alan had always known when he was lying.

Miles had ventured with other men and women, and that really sucked. Alan had grown used to it though, accustomed to one of the sharpest pain to ever hit his heart. But Miles had a habit of coming back to him, so he’d been patient. He’d seen Miles kissing other lips many times, he’d pretended it didn’t bother him. Until one day he’d decided he’d got enough, and had stopped going for drinks with him. He’d started ignoring his texts and his calls, and maybe because Miles hated being rejected, he’d shown up at his door, middle of the night, offering more than friendship. Alan took him in with open arms, because he he hadn’t known no better and was completely addicted to Miles. How could he not be just that?

As they’d started dating, everything started turning for the better. He’d got Miles undivided attention. His kisses were dedicated to him, as far as he’d known. One day though, months into their relationship, Alan had been waiting for him, but Miles hadn’t showed up. He’d called him - no answer. It wasn’t like Miles to ignore his calls when they were boyfriends, something wasn’t right, so he’d gone to Miles' house. He’d ringed the bell - nothing. He’d been about to give up and go back to his house, but a shiver had hit his spine, and somehow, call it intuition or not, he’d known something bad was happening to Miles. His decision had been quick, he’d broken in, he’d looked for Miles everywhere until he’d found him on the floor of his bedroom. The fear Alan had felt that day was overwhelming, he’d barely made it to Miles, he’d crawled to his seemingly lifeless body instead of walking. He’d been remotely relieved when he’d confirmed that he had a pulse and was still breathing, but he was pale and cold under his fingers. Alan had called for help, he couldn’t even remember what he’d said to the operator, he’d probably cried the address out. The help came in exactly four minutes, they felt like an eternity.

Miles had overdosed, he’d been told by the doctors. They’d said that they’d have to wait for the next day to see if he’d make it. It’d sounded like a sick joke, told by gloomy comedians. It’d been the longest night of his life, while he’d been limited to watch Miles fighting for his life among deathlike shrilling beeps. He could only think of killing Alex with his own hands, to return the favour in case Miles died. Once Miles had recovered, he’d told Alan it hadn’t been on purpose, but Alan had known better that it'd been the Turner effect. Prior to that day, Miles had told him all about Alex, everything that had happened, and it wasn’t foreign to Alan that Miles had been hurting over the man.

After the overdose though, Miles had changed. He’d sought help for his drug addiction, he’d gone to rehab on his own. He’d come back calmer, and freer. They’d soon started opening up to each other, encouraged by the rehab counsellors it was best to talk about feelings, and although Alan wasn’t a recovering addict he could see the reasons why talking was better than bottling up emotions. Alan had told Miles about his parents abandoning him when he was only three, and that he’d lived in foster homes for the majority of his childhood, nobody had wanted to adopt him until later on, when he was already ten, and a lovely lady took pity of his poor soul and took him in. She was single and over fifty, a couple would have never chosen him, they'd prefer babies. But he’d been the lucky one, he’d been loved by her and had been taught values, and even though he’d kept the fear of abandonment and rejection, he had a family for as long as his late mother was alive.

Miles too, was afraid of the same. He’d been abandoned by his dad and their relationship to this day was incomplete. He’d told Alan how his heart still ached profoundly by his dad indifference. He’d told him how his mother had been devastated after the divorce, and that young that he was, he couldn’t tell why she wouldn’t leave the bed. It took a toll on Miles nearly as much as it took a toll on Alan - not being loved.

Abandonment is bitter, but Alan couldn’t stop thinking that Miles was capable of abandoning him, for Alex, even if the man himself had abandoned Miles so many times. It was like he was programmed to seek the heartbreak.

“Oh fuck!” He hissed in pain and saw a hand quickly reaching for his wrist propping his arm up. A piece of cloth followed the motion and was pressured to the cut. It was deep, by experience he could tell he might even need stitches, and the location wasn’t one of the best, it was transversal to his index finger, at the base of his left hand. He trembled as his gaze went from the now bloody cloth up to find big scared green eyes staring at him.

“Oh chef, this must hurt.” Oliver commiserated. Alan could barely hear those words and the sound of his kitchen as his ears buzzed. “Let me take care of this for you chef, let’s go to the office, yeah?”

Alan followed Oliver without saying a thing, making his way through his staff. Oliver opened the door in a hurry and guided Alan to a chair in the small room. It looked more like a storage than it looked like an office, except for the chairs and desk everything else were boxes.

“Hold it for me chef.” He replaced his hand with Alan’s hand and applied pressure to the cut with it, then turned away to go through their First Aid kit. Oliver had always been so helpful, Alan thought. Since the beginning Alan could tell he was a prodigy. How old was he again? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?

“Here.” Oliver held a bottle of sterile saline solution, coming to a stop in front of Alan. He held his hand up for Oliver to clean the wound and squirmed when the liquid had reached his skin. “I'm sorry chef, it’ll feel better in a minute, yeah?!” The young man was always so collected and responsible, even more mature than Alan at his age.

“That’s the third cut today chef.” Oliver looked into Alan’s eyes, and Alan could see the pity in Oliver’s, lurking in how the very few wrinkles scrunched on his worried face. He cared.

Oliver carefully applied an ointment from the small kit box on Alan’s hand, and Alan looked at him attentively. “I need to go back.” Alan groaned and tried to stand up. “The Kitchen can’t be unattended for so long, we’re running behind and-“

Oliver held him in place. “Chef, you need some rest. This cut doesn’t need stitches but you’ve been lucky this time…” He said inspecting the wound one more time. ”Whatever is going on with you, you must figure it out, 'cause this can’t keep happening. I’m afraid you might end up really needing stitches, or worse, cutting your finger off.” The young man knocked on the wood of the desk that crowded the room next to them, he then took a seat next to Alan, on a chair he’d dragged from behind the office desk.

“Nonsense..” Alan had tried to get up again, but the man was determined to not let him go anywhere, so he had held him down one more time, placing a hand to his thigh.

“Daren has already taken over, that’s why you have a sous-chef.” Right, there was someone called a sous-chef that was there exactly to take over if necessary, but was this really necessary? “Talk to me.” Oliver said. Alan was taken by surprise, talk about what?

The young chef held his wounded hand softly and stroke it where the skin hadn’t been hurt, dodging the other two cuts of the day. “I care for you chef, you are so special to me, I hope you know that.” Alan nodded confirming he knew he was special to him. He watched it in silence, trying to ignore the pain in his hand and the worries in his mind, however, the touch felt so good, sincere for a change. His cheeks burned a bright red, a scarlet that he didn’t know if was blushing or just the affliction of his doomed marriage surfacing. “Don't cry chef.”

It was the latter.

Oliver brushed his tears with his thumb. “My husband is having an affair.” He whined and sobbed. “Fuck!” He lifted his head as if trying to stop the tears from falling, and just like that, admitting it out loud made everything so much realer, so much that he wasn’t ready for it, he wasn’t prepared for the emotions that took over him. “And he loves him, he really does…Oliver…I don’t know what to do.” Alan shook his head and panted, grasping for air.

Alan might not know what to do, but Oliver certainly knew. He pulled Alan for a hug, he tenderly wrapped his arms around his small frame and brought him close. He cooed him, and for a minute Alan felt embarrassed, being here at the back of the restaurant he ran, hurt physically and emotionally, crying in his subordinate arms. “Everything will be alright love, I’m here.” Oliver's crush on Alan hadn’t gone unnoticed, he’d known about it for a while now. What did surprise him though is that he was not put off by his touch or their age gap like he’d thought he’d be, in his rare daydreams where he'd let his guard down just to entertain the idea of being this close to the young man. He was beautiful and charming, always sauntering into the kitchen with his olive skin and green eyes, mocking how everyone would drool over him. Even Alan.

“I'm just gonna patch your hand up now, ok?” He said stretching his arm to reach for the plaster that rested on the desk, not letting Alan go, to what Alan was thankful for. He kept his body glued to his, and for a second Alan thought he was able to draw his muscles by heart, and describe his scent in details. Oliver placed, heedfully, the plaster on Alan’s hand. His eyes gravitated from Alan’s hand to his eyes as he sighed. “Your eyes are even more stunning when you’re crying.” He said shakily. “A different shade of blue…I swear it just went from sapphire to a dangerously inviting ocean tone…” Oliver leaned in, in slow motion, Alan stayed still with a small smile on his face. “That makes it six…six different shades of blue that I’ve seen in your eyes…I’m keeping track…” His eyes dropping to Alan’s agape mouth, as he wetted his lips deliberately or unconsciously aiming his final target. He entangled his hand on Alan’s short curly hair and in a swift motion brought him to his lips for a chaste kiss, testing his limits. Alan pecked him in return, letting out a sigh at the contact that almost sounded like a moan. Soon the kiss evolved to a ravenous one, to what Alan did not offer any resistance, like in a trance he'd kissed him back, again and again. He surrendered to the battle of tongues, to the relentless sucking of his lips, and to the warmth in his abdomen.

What was the point in staying faithful anyway?

Miles was a good kisser, but this kiss felt different. Oliver meant it, he’d probably planned it and fantasised about it many times. “Alan…” He huffed into the kiss. “You have no idea how much I want you.” He blurted out and without delay resumed the kiss. That was probably the time to pull away and call it a big mistake, but Alan wanted more, he wanted to be kissed like this again and everyday. The fire pit in his stomach was igniting his heart and he’d seen now that being wanted felt different than what Miles was making him feel. Why couldn’t Miles want him like Oliver did? He wanted to be loved like this. He wanted it all. But he wanted it from his husband, from the man who’d promised to love him no matter what, even though he’d been failing miserable at the task ever since.

Alan pulled away reluctantly. “We can’t do this, I’m married, we’re having a baby…and I’m your boss.” He whispered standing up from the chair and walking to the door. That’d been completely unprofessional.

“Alan, no…” He grabbed his wrist and softly placed his back flat to the door. “Do you believe there’s only one person for everyone?” He asked it in a husky voice, almost too irresistible for Alan to not succumb.

Alan certainly wasn’t in the mood for riddles, but since he had just kissed his employee, passionately to say the least, he was going to reply. “Sometimes I do, yes.” He whispered back, feeling Oliver’s warm breath on his face as they stood impossibly close to each other.

“I'm the one for you.” The assertiveness on his face was scarily reassuring for Alan, it made him want to kiss him again, to take off his clothes, and to love him. "You’re wasting your time! Our time! And I have to watch it you throwing your life away with him, I had to watch you marrying him for God’s sake! I know in my heart Alan, that we’re supposed to be toge-.” Alan kissed him again, to shut him up, he’d told himself, not to feel those warm and soft lips on his again, not to roam his body with his healthy hand. He pulled away after a while, just to watch Oliver slowly opening his eyes again. “You like me too…” It was half an affirmation half a realisation. Oliver rested his forehead on Alan’s and smiled. It took Alan's breath away.

Seconds later it sank in. “But I can’t like you like this…” Alan explained, kissing Oliver softly one more time, brushing his cheek and slipping away to separate them. He turned to the door, and as he reached for the handle, Oliver cleared his throat, making him turn one more time to face the man.

“He's the one for him.” He said. “Alex is the one for Miles.” Not a single shadow of doubt in his features, not a drop of hesitation whatsoever.

Alan, who until that moment had a neutrality to his face, frowned. “How do you know he’s the one Miles is cheating on me with?”

“I didn’t know for sure…” He shook his head. ”I just had a good hunch from observing them. I’m a fan of their band.” He shrugged.

Alan scoffed. "Of course you are.” If it wasn’t humiliating enough to have Miles messing around with Turner, now he had to endure working every day with someone who knew about them. More, with someone he'd snogged and liked it.

“Alex is his person…but good news… I’m yours.” He nervously paced in the small room, frustration taking over his features just before he hid his face with his palm. "Can’t you see it?” It was clear as the day that the young man had hope. What was he expecting from Alan? A “Let's run away"?

“What do you even know about life?" Alan reached for the handle again. ”You’re too young.” He reminded Oliver as he stepped outside, deflated.


	10. The Afternoon's Hat

“You overdosed?! You overdosed…like for real?! 'ow…eh…When…Why?? 'ow could you 'ave kept this from me? All this time, I can’t believe Miles. Why 'aven’t ya been more careful?” Alex paced on the living room not knowing what to feel - pain? frustration? relief?.

Miles looked down at the floor and then up into Alex's eyes and wordless it was clear what he meant.

Alex closed his eyes taking the information in, opening them with a tight sigh. “You did it on purpose, 'aven’t ya?” He took a deep breath and shook his head as Miles nodded bashfully. “Why? Do you even realise 'ow devastated I’d be if anything had 'appened to ya?" He stepped closer to Miles, and with his hands flying to his nape brought him for a kiss. He pulled away and stroked his cheeks gently. “I can’t believe I’ve nearly lost ya forever…” He murmured gazing into his big hazel eyes and pulled him for a hug, squeezing him tightly. “Why?” He whispered as new tears surfaced to his lids.

A life without Miles would be unfathomable, torturous and infuriating, perhaps the end of everything for Alex.

“I don’t really wanna say it…please…” Miles tucked his face in the crook of Alex's neck and shakily inhaled, seemingly to calm himself down.

“I won’t drop it, so you better tell me this second Miles!” Alex heard sniffing coming from him, butMiles just turned his face away and walked to the couch.

“Okay, but we better sit down for this.” They both took a seat and Alex waited, gliding a hand to squeeze Miles'. Miles looked sideways at Alex, quickly withdrawing his gaze. “Eh…It were after your last album…Al…” It sounded like the beginning of a confession, one that clearly Alex would dislike. He squinted his eyes waiting for Miles to start talking, cocking an eyebrow and somehow already knitting the web and connecting the dots. Miles stared at him dismally, cleaning his throat before proceeding. “I don’t wanna see your smug face since the admiration has withered like forget-me-nots on scorching days. I can’t bring myself to be sad, not even now that I loathe you I think I should be that. Forget-me-not to Forget-me-yes. I should be crying. Forget-me-yes. But can’t feel a thing. Forget-me-yes.” He recited the lyrics to a very familiar song to Alex.

“No!” Alex said skeptically. “Ya know that’s not about you.” He gestured with his hands in sign of protest, he couldn’t believe Miles could ever think that song was about him.

“I didn’t. I just…” He shook his head and tears started rolling down his cheekbones. “I just wanted the pain to stop.” The sobbing began echoing the room and Alex couldn’t take the sight without caving in to the crying himself. “And for many hours I didn’t feel a thing, I was completely gone. It was like…it was like I'd ceased to exist."

“I'm so sorry.” He said hugging Miles. “The song is about meself, I’d never, ever write summat so cruel 'bout ya babeh, ever. Ya’ve always been me beautiful love, me precious love…I love ya so much, please believe me.” Miles clung to Alex’s arms like if he was this anchor of oxygen, grounding him to earth.

“I know now, but I didn’t back then. Yar voice had never sound so gloomy until that very day.”

Was the release day? No…It couldn’t be.

“What was the exact day Mi?” Alex wiped the tears off Miles’ face. “I need to know the exact day.” He insisted.

“The release day Al. I wasn’t able to cope any longer. It was the last nail to me coffin.” Miles brought Alex to his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist, bringing him closer to his body, resting his head on his chest.

“I knew it…I knew something was off, I woke up feeling sick that day, and the day had dragged, and I felt my heart clutching more than usual. I’d got a feeling I couldn’t shake off.”

**_Monkey’s Album Release Day_ **

_He’d been on a self-destructive bender for many months, tired of trying to forget his Miles and never succeeding, the drink in his hand being a pill he swallowed pointless in struggled sips and gulps. He'd given up listening to music altogether, since everything reminded his mind and heart of his voice, so silky and honey sweet, penetrating his ears as if it belonged there, either in shape of screams, whispers or moans. He could only thought that his own body had run out of tears, or that the alcohol dehydration had reached a worrying point, but he couldn’t bring himself to give a damn, he could die for all he cared. The release of the new album had failed to make him feel anything at all, not even a tiny spark of excitement, life had lost its meaning as soon as Miles had stopped calling. But he was the one at fault, he’d walked out on Miles, choosing his second life over loving him. He’d chosen the sham side of his life, opposite to the one he’d truly lived and relished. What type of git would do something like that? He berated himself. Of all things, he’d treated Miles as disposable, ironically the only person he’d ever loved._

_He couldn’t be arsed to get out of the bed, whilst pinned down by a sinking feeling he'd reached for his phone and had scrolled though his contacts, pausing on the very name that had been making his knees go weak for almost two decades. No courage had been found to press call, but he did entertain the idea of calling just to hear his voice to then hang up. He ended up settling for listening to an old voice message, which he'd played on repeat. He had also chosen to ignore all the phone calls and texts in favour of mopping about, mourning one more time the loss of his best friend._

_Miles should have been here with Alex, listening to the new album and pointing out all the parts he had loved and all the parts he hadn’t loved as much. Alex could see him air-guitaring and spinning around, dressed in close to nothing and grinning at him. His heart melted at the thought and he smiled absentmindedly, still he could tell something wasn’t right, and by now he was starting to think that maybe something wasn’t right with his Miles. Maybe Miles needed him now, maybe Alex should reach out and ask if he needed anything. He really wanted to call him to once again hear his soft ‘Al’._

_That was all he desired._

_A breeze came in uninvited, and even though it was sultry, it'd made Alex shiver. A man couldn’t even grieve in peace._

_He stumbled to the window, and he was about to close the wooden shutters, since the sun had long set and the only thing that was coming in were mosquitoes instead of light, but another breeze came in and this time it’d hit flush his spine like frostbite. He froze. His empty hand stood still on the window’s shutter, never really getting to close it, he turned his head and looked back at his room. Everything seemed exactly the same, a hardly decorated white room with the wooden bed leaning to the wall, covered in white sheets that could definitely use some changing thus the multiple stains coming from many spilled drinks._

_Something though, had changed._

_A scent reached his nostrils and he closed his eyes, slowly inhaling deeply. It was unmistakable. “Miles?” Called Alex in a hushed voice._

_When he opened his eyes again he was suddenly lightheaded, did he miss him that badly and to the point of imagining his scent so vividly? “Miles!” He called again, louder this time, and more decisively. The bedroom’s door was close, so Miles' scent wasn’t coming from outside of his room. Maybe from the road. He turned back to the window and leaned dangerously forward on the window sill. “Miles!” He shouted inspecting the road in front of him._

_No sign of Miles._

_Maybe he was just too wasted and imagining things. He shrugged the feeling off, walking to his bed and throwing his back onto the mattress, holding up the drink that he hadn’t let go for a second. He lifted his head just the slightest bit to turn the cup and down another sip. He closed his eyes, he was spinning and he felt sick to the bones._

_"Al." Someone called making Alex open his eyes abruptly and prop himself up on the bed. The sound was barely distinguishable as a voice, so low that it was, yet he‘d recognised the melody of it right the way. In reality, he’d recognise it at any decibel._

_‘Miles?!” It was official, he had gone nuts. “Miles?!” He asked one more time scanning the room._

_"Al!" This time it came stronger and it was unquestionably Miles’ voice._

_“Babe…?” Asked Alex hesitantly, trembling from the liquor that now overwhelmed his liver. “Am I dead?” He asked the faceless voice. A fainted figure took shape next to him, sitting by his side on the bed, Alex instantaneously dropped the drink that flew to the floor as he tried in vain to grab it. He sat on the bed with a jump to take a closer look at whoever was materialising in front of him. His heart was racing but he, surprisingly so, wasn’t afraid. Soon he could tell that the image belonged to a slender man, someone who was slightly hunched and sadly cried. The man stared at his own hands that sat on his lap, his body facing the foot of the bed. He was nude and apparently aware of that._

_“Miles?” Alex stared perplexed, while the man remained silent except for the distressing sobs he’d let out from time to time. Alex tried to touch him, but his hand cut only air._

_“Al…” The man lamented yet again._

_There was absolutely no reasoning to what he was witnessing, he was seeing Miles in his bedroom, yet the man hadn’t come in, instead he’d just…appeared there. “Babeh, what’s goin' on? Why are ya cryin’?” Alex reached for his phone and started calling Miles, repeatedly with no response. “Pick up! Pick up!” He didn’t know if he was talking to the ghostly Miles that sat beside him, or to the man that he thought was somewhere walking around very much alive. “Please! Please!! Please!!!”_

_“Don't worry babe…don’t worry.” The translucent man wiped out his abstract tears and turned to face Alex. It was really his Miles, but he looked so different, he had dark circles under his eyes, he looked skinner, and way more fragile than what he'd normally look like. “'ear me out…I don’t have much time…they’re pulling me back.” Miles shouted, however Alex could barely make the words, like if the connection wasn’t completely established. The spectral Miles spasmed violently and groaned in pain taking his hands to his chest. For seconds he'd disappeared just to reappear seconds later._

_“Who's pulling ya? Are ya ‘urt? Tell me where ya are, please!” He sobbed and struggled to breathe through the tears._

_This time was time for a panting Miles to try touching Alex, unsuccessfully. “Just want ya to know tha' I love ya babe, that I miss ya and that I’m sorry.” He cried. "It’s not yar fault ok? It’s not yar fault. I’m so, so sorry.” The riddles were making Alex go insane, he desperately tapped the call button on his phone again and again, praying that everything was fine with his Miles. He thought he’d forgot how to pray, but those things made people pray unknown things to unknown Gods. All his body shook in fear of losing Miles, he trembled uncontrollably at the slightest fraction of the idea that crossed his mind._

_Alex tried one more time to touch Miles but to his desperation his attempt was again in vain. “I love ya too. I miss ya so much. I need ya to answer the phone Mi, please!” He pleaded to a fainter Miles, who before disappearing to not come back again, approached him slowly and placed a ghostly kiss to Alex’s lips._

_Alex woke up. When did he fall sleep? Now lonelier than ever, he touched his lips with his index and middle fingers. He closed his eyes, enjoying for a brief moment the lingering tingling on his mouth. He inhaled deeply, trying to put himself together, that small percentage of him that was sober and awake knew he needed to act fast. He called Miles, again, and again, until his fingers hurt from tapping the screen. As a last resort, he tapped the call button on Matt’s name, who'd answered after the first ring._

_“Matt! Please! Miles!” Luckily Matt was in London, at Jamie’s house more precisely. Alex went downstairs and fetched his leather jacket, he was going to Miles’ house, he needed to see him and confirm that he was well._

_“Al, what’s going on mate?”_

_“Miles! There’s something wrong with my Miles, please, help!” He stumbled his way to the front door and was out in seconds, still very much drunk._

_“Is Miles with ya? Was there an accident? What 'appened? 'ow do ya want me to ‘elp?” There was and edge of panic and concern in Matt’s voice._

_“‘elp me find Miles, he doesn’t answer the phone, please call 'im!” Alex said walking towards Miles’ house. In no universe a cab would take him anywhere at this state._

_Matt loudly sighed. ”Ya’re plastered mate, 'ow do ya know something is wrong with Miles, ya haven’t spoken to him in months!”_

_“I know.” He'd fucking showed up at Alex’s house, or in a dream, it didn’t matter, he just knew. “I just know. ‘elp…please…”_

_“Okay man…I’ll try calling ‘im. Where are ya right now, Al?”_

_“I'm walking to Miles’ ‘ouse. Please call me back if he answers the phone.”_

_“Will do.” With that Matt hung up the phone._

_It took Alex half the time to get to Miles’ house, at least he thought so, he’d lost track of time - it was like time both flown and dragged._

_He'd made so many promises to God. If Miles was alright he’d stop drinking too much, he’d beg for his forgiveness, he’d love him like he should be loved._

_He opened the small gate and stepped into Miles’ front garden. He knocked on the grey’s door, and shouted Miles' name. Nothing. Every light was off, there was nothing but silence coming from the house. “Miles!!!” More knocks._

_“Shut up you idiot!” A neighbour shouted from one of the side houses, Alex just waved them a dismissive hand as he decided he should try barging in. He tried the door, it was open. He called for Miles on the corridor. Nothing._

_When he closed the front door behind him, a breeze with Miles’ scent came unnaturally from the inside of the house, and that made his heart skip several beats - if only he could bottle his scent…he thought._

_Miles was nowhere. He’d walked past all the posters on the walls, memories coming flashing in his mind like relentless waves. He flicked the light for the living room on, and popped a head to check if there was anyone there. Finding nothing but a tidy and empty space he skipped the kitchen scanning in order to head to the bedroom. His hands slid on the walls as he walked upstairs, he was sobering up with every step he took. It was just way too overwhelming, being here again and seeing all the things once they somehow shared._

_When Alex reached the bedroom, a shudder travelled down his spine. There was something really wicked in the room, his Miles though, wasn’t here. Alex kicked his shoes off and headed to the bed, lying his drunken self down and hugging the pillow from Miles’ side tightly, burying his face in the fabric and breathing in deeply._

_He needed to locate Miles ASAP._

_Alex grabbed his phone and tapped the call button on Miles’ name. Again it went to voicemail._

_“Miles...I love ya babe...please call me back. I’m worried sick.”_

_He’d called him too many times, he’d left too many voicemails. It didn’t take long for Matt to call him though, with Alex not even letting his phone ring before accepting the call._

_“Matt!”_

_“Hi mate, Miles is alright.” Everything in Matt’s voice made Alex doubt the veracity of that information._

_“Did ya talk to ‘im?”_

_“I…eh…talked to his partner…” Matt replied reluctantly. Alex felt the sting in his heart, product of jealousy. It made him hug the pillow closer. “I'm sorry mate, I know ‘ow much ya still love 'im."_

_Alex couldn’t reply, so he just ended the call. He’d been aware of Alan existence before, so what Matt had just told him wasn’t brand new information. It still made him feel like a fool! He came all the way to Miles’ house thinking he needed him, when instead he was out with his new lover having a blast._

_He got up determined to go back home, because imagine being here when Miles arrived with him…it’d be humiliating enough just to have him listening to all the pathetic voicemails he’d left him. He patted the sheets trying to remove the wrinkles of his inappropriate behaviour, he fluffed the pillows exactly like he remembered Miles fancied them. He took another look around the room, with his eyes finally used to the dark he spotted two things that caught his attention. Lines of coke on the night stand - it wasn’t like Miles to leave coke lying around the house - and a photo frame with a photo Alex did not recognise. He turned the light for the bedside lamp on, and looked at the frame closely. It was Miles with his new…guy…very affectionate Miles had his hand on the guy’s face and looked deeply into his eyes. Before thinking on the consequences, Alex swept the frame to the floor with a swift motion of his hand and the frame shattered in smithereens when it hit the wooden floors. “Fuck!” He muttered. He was still able to cry after all. Sitting on the bed again, he looked at all the shards on the floor and the two photos lying there under them…wait! There were two photos there! He assumed the second one was behind the other, so he paused his crying and grabbed it from the floor, turning it to reveal its image._

_Alex was shocked when he saw it was their photo, Miles and Alex's. The glossy paper was a tad smudged on the edges, from constantly being handled, behind the photo a note in Miles’ handwriting. ‘Al and I, London, 2014.’ followed by a small heart drawing. In the photo they had their foreheads touching and smiled at each other. God, how they knew how to truly smile to the other!_

_Did that mean Miles still thought of him? Why hadn’t he got rid of the photo instead of keeping behind the other?_

_Alex had cleaned everything, he wouldn’t want Miles to get hurt not knowing the floor had been punished with sharp shards. He'd left the photo of Miles with that guy there, hoping no one would notice there wasn’t a glass to the frame anymore. He had smoothed out the sheets again and fluffed the pillows. He did a line of coke and he headed home, taking the photo of the two of them with him._

_The sinking feeling was still there in his stomach, but he had to believe Matt, he’d never lied to him. If he said Miles was alright, then Miles was alright. Right?_

_Next day Alex could barely remember what had happened, he could only remember he’d been to Miles' and that he’d nicked a photo from his house, everything else was as blurry and as crazy as a hazy dream._

**Present Day**

"That were really ya, wasn’t it? Ya came to see me." Alex said stroking Miles' hair. “From all the places ya could go, ya came looking for me. I mean…ya could’ve visit Paris, or the pyramids, or yar mom for that matter, but ya came to me.” Alex had a sly smile on his face and a strange warm in his heart, a reassurance that was slightly fogging the nearly death experience Miles had sought deliberately. Miles loved him, he realised. He loved him so much that he'd come to find Alex of all people, and he’d come to Alex’s dream of all places. And remembering vaguely what Miles had tried to say to him, when he was just a soul in his bedroom, about the incident not being Alex’s fault, he saw once more the angel that he was and how lucky Alex was for having him in his life. Alex knew it’d been his fault though, he should have been more vigilant, more protective of Miles. He should have foreseen that Miles could end up doing that. He could have prevented it from ever happening.

“I don’t remember a thin' from those hours Al.” He shook his head, it seemed that he really wanted to remember though, searching his brain for any trace of recollection. “But that really sounds like somethin' my loose soul would do…ya know…come flying back to you…” He chuckled and smiled, while his eyes told a different tale. “I've been looking for that photo for so long, how did ya ‘ave the heart to take it from me?”

“I'm sorry babe,” He was prompt to reply, kissing Miles for his forgiveness. "I was really pissed.”

“Wait!!” Miles jumped and faced Alex utterly confounded. "If ya think ya’d called me, ‘ow come I didn’t get those voicemails?”

Alex fell to the couch and brought Miles with him, snuggling up. “Think babe…who had yar phone when ya were out?” Could Miles just see that it was Alan’s work already and spare him from the job of unveiling it to him?

“He did not…” Miles said incredulous.

“Ohh, I think he did!” Announced Alex, slowly pronouncing every syllable.

Miles scratched his chin pensive. “I'm gonna ‘ave to talk to ‘im.” He concluded.

“Just divorce 'im already, ya’re just grateful to the man, and believe me when I say, I am grateful as well! I could kiss the guy for finding ya and calling the emergency services, but ya don’t really love ‘im." Or Alex hoped so. ”Give 'im something else than sharin’ yar life with ‘im. When are ya gonna be honest with yarself? Leave ‘im. Ya’ve got me! I’m yar soulmate!”

Miles scoffed. “I do know ya’re me soulmate Al, don’t need no reminder...I know ya’re me everything, me love, me partner in crime, but Alan does not deserve to be dumped,” He shook his head. "So I won’t do that unless I can trust ya. As I’ve told ya before, he’s a close second, I won’t ever find someone as good as ‘im.”

“Oi!” Alex protested.

“I'm not talking ‘bout ya and ya know it. We’re a match made in heaven, there won’t be anyone like ya.” He said nervously fidgeting with his jeans, avoiding eye contact with Alex.

“So...is me coming out enough for ya to trust me? Is that all it takes?” Alex said wide eyed cocking his eyebrows. In reality he was terrified, he didn’tsee why he needed to do that. With the potential threat to Miles, he wouldn’t do it to protect him as much as he would do it to make him happy, if that made any sense. “I can’t put ya at risk Mi. I just can’t...I swear I’m trying to think it won’t be a problem but it’s very hard to convince meself, I’m a stubborn son of a bitch.” He chuckled.

Miles slightly pulled away from Alex’s arms showing his disapproval and disappointment. “Ya should do it for ya, forget ‘bout me!”

Alex sighed. “Why? Seriously Miles, I try to understand why do I have to do that...Nobody should 'ave to come out, straight people don’t do it, why should we? I mean...I like me private life just like that, private!”

“Because if ya don’t do it we can’t walk hand in hand at the park, we can’t kiss on the streets, we can’t go out on a date, we can’t be a proper couple.” Miles said dejectedly. “We can’t be ourselves. And I was so tired of hiding in the closet, it was wearing me out. I really don’t wanna go back to it again.”

Alex couldn’t ignore that Miles had pointed out that he should come out for himself, whilst the picture he’d just painted included him in Alex’s life. Holding hands, going on dates…

“It just doesn’t seem fair...and how one should come out anyway? To whom it may concern, I’m actually a Queer!” He dramatically declared, as flamboyantly as he could. “Like that??”

Miles took a deep breath gazing into Alex’s eyes. “Ya know what Alex, I’m gonna have a kid, I can’t be with a closet man.” Miles got up from the couch and walked a few steps towards the door. Alex propped up on his elbow. “Come back Miles, we’re not done!” His voice had always gone high-pitched when he wanted to sound emphatic, and he hated how it conveyed weakness. Yet when he was with Miles, he didn’t mind it.

Miles paced the living room nervously as Alex tapped the green velvet couch, calling for him to come back, throwing him a cheeky kiss. Miles sighed, apparently sold he walked back and lied down on the couch. “Okay, so let’s talk then…” He said with an edge of challenge in his voice. “Where are you thinking on hiding Johnny and I if ya don’t come out? Under a rock? Huh?” Miles had a point, but Alex thought moving away would do the trick, clearly he’d been wrong taking into consideration Miles’ point of view. “Isn’t enough the fact that ya claim to love me but has never held me hand in public, a simple gesture…one ya had repeated so many times with all those women who I presume hadn’t meant to ya as much as I have. Ya ‘aven't even told yar own mom ‘bout us, ‘ow are ya gonna tell ‘er ya live with yar best friend, who’s gay by the way, and his son? I mean...assuming ya really want to have a married life with me. ‘cause it may have seemed that I,” He said taking his hand to pat his own chest. "Wasn’t paying attention to that proposal, but I so was.”

Alex stared at him speechless.

“Out of words now, aren’t ya?”

Alex kissed him briefly. He was scared. He was really scared. A lot was running through his mind, and not only the threats to Miles but also the fear that had always lurked around them - the fear of rejection. Miles loved him, he did believe that, however, they were set to get old, wrinkled, uninteresting and maybe even ill. And before all of that happened, would Miles stick with him? The remaining few years of their youth were slipping through their fingers, Alex knew that, and Miles knew that. Would he want to waste them on a monogamous relationship with Alex?

“Miles…just tell me that ya won’t be fooling around with anyone else if we become a couple.” He hoped the beseeched look in his eyes was enough to make Miles compliant to his pleading of exclusivity.

Miles smiled, caressing Alex’s fluffy hair, all his features softening at Alex’s ever-present jealousy. “Of course I won’t babe.” Miles pecked his lips slowly. “There’d be only ya.” He kissed him one more time, prolongedly.

Alex pulled away, better to stop hiding things from Miles now if he wanted this relationship to work. “But Alan said that ya would, and I can’t stop thinkin' ‘bout it. He said ya’d go back to ‘im if ya chose me. And I seriously can’t lose ya Miles.” Alex let his head fall down towards his own chest as if hiding, embarrassed of his insecurity. But before doing that he took a glimpse of Miles, who looked unpleasantly surprised with the information.

“'ow a conversation between ya two had magically found that subject?” He asked lifting Alex’s head by his chin to face him. Alex could only hope his eyes weren't shy and resigned like how he felt.

“He knows ‘bout us…Well…some of it at least.” He confessed.

“What does he know Al?” It wasn’t like Miles looked angry, however he seemed really upset as the curl of his smile had gone slight downwards in the corners. “Tell me everythin’ ya've talked."

After Alex had told Miles in details what Alan and him had talked that day at the baby shower, Miles had started freaking out, a little. He ran his hand through his short hair as he sat on the couch leaving Alex still lying down and hugging onto a pillow. “Ya don’t understand Alex, he’d already gone through so much shit. I didn’t want to be the one hurting him even more. He’s so great, he deserves the whole world…”

Alex sat on the couch abruptly and his hair edged a comic tousling. “Miles, I’m gonna warn ya 'ere, stop gushing ‘bout ‘im because there’s so much I can take.” Alex groaned, shamelessly this time, running his hands though his hair to fix it the better he could without a mirror.

“Chill Al,” Tried Miles to pacify Alex. ” ya know what I mean.”

“I actually don’t,” Alex replied jittered and annoyed, gesturing negatively with his hand. "Ya ‘ave to choose and it’s either ‘im or me. Ya can’t ‘ave both! Who do ya choose?” He asked with a painful grimace. What if Miles were to choose Alan?

“Al…” Miles half-warned. “Listen to yarlsef…I can’t ‘ave both? Really? Ya had the best of two worlds for too long, but it’s stupid of me to expect ya to be fair, right?”

He hated when Miles was right, but he couldn’t be the side guy forever, he was way too possessive to endure it. He was aware that it was a huge trait of his personality as it was also a big disadvantage.

“If ya want me to stay with ya as a lover,” Alex was almost regretting the words before they meet the air. “ya ‘ave to leave 'im…there’s no in between.”

“Alex…” Miles pleaded.

“I swear, I’ll walk away.” His words were so foreign Alex barely recognised them, he didn’t believe them himself, still he had to give Miles a not-so-gentle push to the abysm where decisions were made.

Alex wanted him, he wanted him to himself.

“Don't say tha’" Miles was weeping again, Alex reached out for him, snaking his body with his arms into a perfect hug.

They fitted so perfectly with each other.

Alex sighed, breathing in Miles’ scent. “I guess this is goodbye then…” Some people would call it manipulation, Alex would call it an incentive. He dropped a kiss to Miles' hair and stood up, walking to the door. “It’s time for ya to go back to yar 'usband Miles…” Alex said prolonging the pronunciation of the name - knowing what it did to Miles - opening the front door and holding it for him to leave. Although clearly every drop of matter in his body expected his man to stay.

Miles’ face dropped so deeply, so sadly, that it made Alex want to take back what he’d just said. He didn’t though, he put on a straight face and kept the facade.

“No…no…” Miles stood up, walking firmly up to Alex, embracing him as tightly as humanely possible. Even if Alex had thought about offering some resistance and putting up a show, he didn’t. “Not letting ya go…ever…” He said in a low voice in Alex’s ear, sighed and took a step back. “In fact…give me some time to think. Yeah?”

“There’s not much to think 'bout, there’s till a fucking nightmare waiting for us if I ever come out, your safety is the most important thing to me, more than not having me heart broken.”

“Argh!!!” Miles groaned frustrated. “This is a fucking maze of fucked up knots! If you don’t come out I can't trust ya. I don’t want to leave Alan to live in the closet again and afraid of ya getting terrified and ending up leaving me. Ya don’t want to keep things how they’re now ‘cause ya say I 'ave to choose between ya two...But Al...” His voice sounded like a lament. “I can’t live without ya...look at what happened the last time. I can’t babeh...I can’t imagine me life without ya in it…as me lover. I have enough friends.”

The letters still laid around the living room floor, some of them had been stepped on, some of them were still pristine - unfortunately.

“Look at those pages on the floor Miles, that’s all hate towards ya babeh! I can’t let that happen to ya on my watch, especially not ‘cause of me. What if I came out and they hurt ya? I’d never forgive meself...”

“Stop it Alex! Stop the navel-gazing and look at me!” Miles held Alex by the wrists, and the rush of dejá-vu reached his stomach. The same gesture had been made when Miles silent insisted on their first kiss. “I’m already hurting!” And that hit Alex like the type of waves that can dislocate shoulders. “I’m already hurting!” He repeated for good measure, in a husky moaning.

Alex pressed their foreheads together and gazed into Miles’ big hazel eyes, the innocence he found there was almost utopian, however instead of putting him off it just made him love him even more. Miles wasn’t scared of anything at all, except losing Alex, his love was pure and stripped down, simple as that. Alex silently admired him, noticing that his pain made him even more beautiful, still that ache wasn’t supposed to dwell on his Miles, it needed to be disturbed into moving on to the next host. Miles had tried to kill himself when Alex had walked away, what if he ever tried it again? Worse than the outside threats to Miles’ life which they could monitor closely, was the lack of Miles’ willing to live. It was way more alarming and antagonistic than those internet cowards could ever be.

“Let’s burn those pages!!” Alex suggested, snapping out of the trance. He could bet Miles would love to do that, and somehow that might end up helping Alex with his own fears - seeing how insignificant those pages were while burning into flames.

“Really?” Miles asked incredulous. “Not that I’m opposite to that in any way…Let’s fucking do it.”

“I have a metal bucket! And a lighter!” He says grinning. “I'm oddly excited to do that!”

“We need to change the music though. We need something really gay! Let’s celebrate our freedom.”

Freedom, Alex had dreamt about it, it had always seemed too good to be true.

“Okay, but no ‘It's raining man’, once ya’re mine there won’t be any men’s storm on yar land Mister.”

Miles cracked up at Alex’s remark. Turning to grab Alex’s phone from the coffee table and stopping the song from The Smiths.

“I trust ya with that song Miles.” He said sweeping the pages with his hands from the floor to then walk towards the backyard. Miles followed him with his fingers tapping and hovering Alex’s phone, while Alex fetched the said bucket. "Found it!” It was tucked away under the sink. Why he did have the item in the first place was beyond his grasp, so Alex shrugged the thought off, the important thing now is how in handy it came. He tossed the pages inside the bucket careless and stepped outside the house through the back door. “Let's fucking do this.” He placed the bucket on the garden table, it wasn’t wood so it'd be alright.

“Found the perfect song for this moment Al.” Alex watched as he pressed play and ‘Afternoon's Hat' started blasting the phone's speaker. Miles laughed.

Alex smiled amusedly. “That’s hardly summat really gay Miles.”

“It's our anthem, alright? It tells some of our story, doesn’t it? I like it! Right under the fools’ noses.”

Alex had been thinking about that song not many minutes earlier. “I was thinking ‘bout that tune just minutes ago…” Miles was right, that had been one of the times when Alex was so obvious he could hardly believe people could be so blind.

“Our Telepathy is no joke babe…” Miles said with a grin and a wink, with the lighter already in hands. “Shall we?”

But Alex didn’t replied right the way, instead he fished Miles’ cigarettes from his back pocket, taking one to his mouth and waiting for Miles to light it for him. As Miles held up the fired lighter Alex took a long drag, tossing the pack to the bucket.

“Wait! What’re ya doin’ with me cigs?”

Alex puffed out the smoke and took the burning cig to Miles’ lips. “We ‘ave to stop. Now it seems to me like the perfect occasion to ‘ave a last one.”

Miles took a long drag of it, clinging to it for as long as he could, until Alex took it from him to have another drag and Miles nearly came connected to it.

“Ya're crazy!”

“Am not. What if Johnny inherits yar lungs? We can’t smoke near ‘im.” He said closing his eyes to the feeling of the smoke filling his lungs to then puff it to the air. “We can’t smoke near ‘im anyway.”

“But we ‘ave months till the birth.” He said seizing the cig from Alex’s hand.

“Enough time for us to get use to it.”

Miles dragged the cigarette that was getting smaller and smaller every time it'd change hands. “Fuck!” He muttered. “Is there a type of rehab for smokers?"

“Want to hit rehab again? There are patches for it Miles.”

“Ones that we can maybe…smoke?” He chuckled as Alex tried to snatch the cigarette from him, although failing miserably.

“I've been to rehab too…tha knows…”

“Did ya? For which one of yar vices?” Miles sneered and Alex was fully aware that he’d got himself multiple issues.

"I was told ya went to rehab. At first I only planned on finding where ya were staying to join ya…” He said bashfully, glancing at Miles for his approval to one of the stupidest, but yet romantic things he’d ever done. Seeing Miles small smile he resumed. “But it evolved to summat else…if ya were getting clean I should too. I mean…I still drink, but only when ya leave me…and I definitely don’t snort coke anymore…I think we can count tha’ for summat, right?”

“Of course we can babe…” Miles said stomping the cigarette out under his sole. "I knew ya had stopped but not ‘ow ya had done it.”

“Well…one who’s an addict and thinks they won’t need rehab are lying to themselves.”

Miles kissed his cheek hugging his waist. “Let's burn it!”

Alex smiled shyly then fished for one of the now wrinkled pages. “Let's start with this prick,” he said checking briefly for a handle. “@fockyoumileskane456…” He wondered if there were 455 others @fockyoumileskane’s. He felt the crippling fear tingling down his spine again, however, as he looked at his Miles, he’d found the comfort he was so in desperate need of.

Miles had just laughed it off.

“What a twat!” He remarked with a mocking grin as he rolled the sparkwheel down into the ignition button. “Burn!!!” He shouted as Alex held the page carefully by one of the edges. It was quickly burning into flames. Soon he dropped the page into the hatred bucket, the piece of paper now only served as firelighter.

It was just paper.

“Couldn’t listen to tradition, grabbed me by the wrist to silently insist!!!” They harmonised gazing into each others eyes, now across from each other with the burning flames flickering lights on their irises, as the sun had retired with the afternoon’s hat. "And when I'm in the confines of crawling walls, you hold me in place.” They resumed.

“Dance with me!” Miles asked, deflecting the bucket and entwining their fingers to pull him closer.

Alex loved to dance, it was when he felt freer. Dancing with Miles made him feel even freer. He’d never felt so free in any of his other relationships.

They swayed their hips to the rhythm and Alex knew that when he took his hands to glide his long hair, he was again flirting with Miles. At the realisation he let his gaze go down and fluttered his eyelashes, subsequently looking up at Miles. Suddenly he was his secret crush again, suddenly the only pair of eyes he wanted to pay attention to him were his. “I’d do anythin' for ya Miles.” Alex shouted to be heard as the song was way too loud for his neighbours liking. “owt!!!”

Miles, who had been sporting the most beautiful smile on his face, in slow motion turned serious. His eyes were now sadder in appearance as the ends remained naturally dropped. Alex could still see the flames there, even though the fire was located to their side the tears could almost put them out.“I choose ya!” He shouted in response. “I choose ya!” Miles kissed him with his hands resting on his nape. “I'll always choose ya Alex…always…” He huffed sadly. “Who am I kidding? I’d only kiss ya between four walls if ya wanted me to. I’d do anything for ya as well…but babe…" He hesitated with a long sigh. "To put Johnny in your hands, I’ll need more from ya. I can’t be responsible for ya leaving him too. Ya wouldn’t ‘ave a role in his life, even if only as a stepfather if ya don’t come out. I’d hide ya from ‘im if necessary…but I could never let ya hide ‘im. Ya can step on me heart but I don’t want Johnny to 'ave an estranged parent. It hurts too much…I should know…”

Miles had chosen him!

Miles had chosen him!!

Miles had chosen him!!!

Alex kissed him senseless.

“Ya're right babeh…ya’re right! I 'ave to go now!” He gave Miles one last kiss and turned around. He ignored Miles calling for him and walked to his bedroom, collecting some essential items and throwing into his suitcase. Miles had stayed behind, Alex remembered hearing something about someone having to stay there and mind the fire. When he was back with his suitcase, Miles gave him a look of confusion.

“If I run I can still get to Sheffield today.” Alex announced. Miles looked like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, that was close to the reaction Alex was expecting.

Miles smiled. Widely. Honestly. Painless.

He ran up to Alex, jumping and wrapping his legs around him. Alex dropped the suitcase to hold him, he steadied him and held him securely. He’d always hold him safely.

“I love ya.” Miles declared before kissing Alex in a way that made his legs tremble. He stopped the kiss to pepper his face with kisses. “Thank ya!” More kisses. “Thank ya!”

Alex smiled at him, helpless, stupidly helpless to the love he felt for this man in his arms.

Miles jumped back to the floor. “I guess we should put out the fire, ‘cause I’ve also got somethin’ important to do.” Miles sighed and looked down for the briefest moment, to look back up at Alex with a smile that made his heart blaze like the paper they'd just burned.

Alex tried to put himself on Miles’ shoes, what he was about to do was supposedly much harder than what Alex was about to do. Still Miles hadn’t hesitated. He was strong, determined, brave…everything Alex wasn’t. Just like when Alex had watched Miles marrying Alan, he was observing now all those qualities they will never share, but this time was different, this time he’d bend his own rules.

Alex wasn’t devoid of fear, not at all, but love was slowly evicting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They've finally had a conversation!


	11. Supernova

Alex was a full-blown bundle of nerves.

When he’d got to his parents' house in Sheffield, it was past ten in the evening. He’d expected his mom to be in bed already, sound asleep, but in some ironic twist of fate she was awake. He closed the door behind him with a sigh, kicked off his shoes and placed his suitcase to the living room floor.

“Hi son, I didn’t know ya were coming!” She greeted him with a content grin, one that Alex knew deep down he was about to rip from her face and replace with disappointment…or even angriness for that matter, he didn’t know what to expect. She got up from her spot on the couch to hug him. He hugged her back, affectionately, he’d been missing her. With all the work with the Monkeys and his efforts to get Miles back he had been too busy to visit.

“Sorry I didn’t let ya know mom, it were a last minute decision.” He sighed heading to the kitchen. He’d barely eaten all day and if he could stall a little longer before having that conversation with her, you bet he would. “Where's dad?”

Penny followed him to the Kitchen. “Sleeping. Couldn’t join him earlier today though, I’d been watching 'Bake Off' then I got lazy to actually go to bed.” She chuckled. “So I’ve called Pauline to catch up.”

Interesting.

“Oh really? How that went?”

Penny leaned in towards Alex as if she was about to tell him a secret. “Did ya know Miles is gonna divorce his husband? Ya know…” She whispered whilst snapping her fingers trying to remember something. “That beautiful bloke he’d married…What’s his name again?” Alex knew who he was, thank you very much for the reminder.

Penny lightly pushed Alex to one of the kitchen's chair and opened the fridge, taking out every leftover from it and a beer that she promptly laid in front of him. “Alan! Ah!! That’s the name." She said relieved as her memory did not fail her, at least not too much.

It’s been roughly four hours since he’d left London, and Miles had already told his mom. He couldn’t help but to laugh, and grin and fondly think of him. In that case, he should as well be honest with his own mom. “'bout tha’ mom…” He started.

Penny turned to face Alex. “We don’t ‘ave cheese!” She said deflated as Alex put two and two together on her intentions on making him a sandwich.

“It's alright mom. Whatever is fine.” He tried to assure her.

“But we do ‘ave turkey and cranberry sauce. Oh! And lettuce and tomatoes.” She said grabbing more stuff from the fridge.

“It's really perfect, that’ll make the best of all sandwiches.” He fidgeted with the ring on his necklace, he needed to tell her. Miles was right, he couldn’t hide him or Johnny from her, that would be heartless, not to mention really hard.

“Ya bet it will.” She laid every ingredient on the countertop and grabbed a board and the bread. With her back to Alex she started chopping. “Ya need a haircut.”

“Do ya think so?” His hand went from his ring to his hair, bashfully.

“I can see ya’re not young enough to rock the style anymore Aly, and I’m yar mother.” She said adding the endearing nickname to sooth the message. 'Bless her’, Alex thought.

Maybe she was right. Why Miles hadn’t said anything though? He actually said he liked it. “Maybe ya’re right."

“I'll cut it for ya, tomorrow. I need the daylight.” She said laying the top bread to the sandwich and cutting it diagonally in the middle with the big bread knife she carefully handled. She popped it to a plate and placed it in front of Alex. “Here it goes darling, ya look so hungry and skinny.”

If she were to cut his hair the next day, it was better to tell her about Miles now. He shouldn’t risk having that conversation while she held a pair of scissors. “Ta.” Good thing that she’d dropped the knife.

Penny sat across from him. “How is Heather? I don’t see the girl in ages.”

Fuck, that was it. “Me neither.” He mumbled.

“So is it over now?” She asked and he weakly shrugged. "Oh son…again? I worry ‘bout ya, all alone. Ya need to settle down, find a nice la-”

“Mom,” He interrupted her, still not touching his food. “That's why I’ve come ‘ere, I need to tell ya summat. But please, please promise me ya won’t freak out, I want ya to remember I’m the same Alex.” He shook his head already shaking and putting his hands together to try hiding it. 

“What 'ave ya done?” She widened her eyes. A mother is a mother. If a grown up son of almost forty came to the house and told a mom to not freak out it was because they’d done something really bad.

Alex sighed. He'd stopped feeling his hands, right after he’d realised they were sweating. “I’ve done nowt, it’s not like tha’.” He stopped talking, and entertained the idea of biting the sandwich to buy him a few seconds of chewing. “I…I…” He stuttered and looked down. His mouth felt dry, and the room felt stuffy, even though he was positive that it wasn’t. “I'm in love.” He took a deep breath feeling somewhat lighter and the courage came as Miles crossed his mind. He looked her dead in the eye. “I've been in love for many years, with the same person.”

His mom cocked an eyebrow, and after a few seconds of what seemed to be thinking, she said. “Miles?”

As if the weight of the empire state had lifted from his shoulders, he nodded. “I love ‘im mom. I fought the feeling for decades, but I can’t anymore. He’s the love of me life.” Alex did expect the conversation to be emotional, not in this way though. Was she about to be angry?

“And how does he feel 'bout ya?” She asked calmly, her face not giving much except for tranquility.

“He loves me too.” He said crossing his legs under the table, hands on his knees and what he believed to be a dreamy countenance on his face. His voice faltered and he had tears of joy in his eyes. He felt so good, finally being honest.

“I just feel really sorry that ya thought ya couldn’t talk to me about it son. It’s been so many years.” She said with an upset sigh. “Yar dad tried convincing me that ya and Miles were an item, but I refused to believe ya wouldn’t tell me if that was the case.”

“Am sorry mom, I was embarrassed, I guess…I couldn’t accept meself, therefore I projected all the rejection onto everyone else. I’d rejected Miles…I’d been 'orrible to 'im and I did nowt but to love 'im every day since the day we've met.”

“I'm glad yar telling me this now son. I can only wonder how difficult it’s been for ya…” She looked down at Alex's hands, now on the table, reaching for them and holding them between her hands. “I've always envied Pauline for the close relationship she’s got with Miles. I figure that she knows about ya two…I don’t understand why ya didn’t trust me son."

Alex looked up at the crucifix on the wall, and Penny followed his eyes. “What ‘bout him?” He asked, a mix of mockery, challenge and pain on his features.

“Jesus?” She inquired turning her head back to Alex. “I don’t know if he was gay…maybe…” She nodded pensive. Alex laughed, so loud he was afraid of waking his dad up, except the man slept like a log. “What're ya laughing at? It’s possible. No wife of his own, a lot of male friends. Pretty much like ya son.” She giggled.

Alex shook his head amusedly. “I thought ya’d say I wouldn’t make the cut to heaven.” He said fidgeting with Penny’s wedding band.

“Oh son, I don’t think any of us would. I have me sins, and I’m not even gonna start on yar dad's.”

He wanted to say that loving Miles wasn’t a sin, if anything was the purest and best thing he’d ever done with his life, but who knows what she considered a sin, and what she considered her own sins, the woman was a saint.

“This is so much better than what I was expecting…” He said gently stroking her hands. “Thank ya mom.”

“Ya're welcome anytime son.” She said placing a kiss to one of his hands and letting them go. “Now eat yar sandwich.”

Alex grabbed his sandwich and bit on it happily.

“So…whenever ya brought Miles here and ya went to yar room…ya know…." She asked bashfully and suggestively.

“Yes.” He replied simply and without thinking, chewing his food. It was so good to finally have something edible. When he’d got to King’s Cross Miles had texted reminding him to buy something to eat on the train, but genius that he was he’d bought a nuts bar. A nuts bar of all things. No wonders why he was absolutely famished right now.

“Having sex?” She said horrified and Alex chocked on the food, coughing vigorously until he finally expelled the piece of bread who had got into the wrong place. Penny though, hadn’t moved an inch waiting for the answer.

“No, no…” He replied with a mouth still full. "I thought ya meant making out. We used to make out a lot when we were younger." Same as now. And they’d crossed the line once or twice in this house but who was counting? They had other things in mind than to behave, like literally not being able to keep their hands to themselves.

“Have you been safe whenever you've had sex?” She asked seriously.

Alex swallowed a piece of sandwich with a gulp, trying to avoid another chocking. “We've had this conversation when I was a teenager mom.” Alex protested with a groan, he was a grown man.

“But being gay, the conversation changes son. Are you a bottom? Bottoms are more at risk and...”

“No!” He interrupted her. “I’m not...I’m not a bottom.”

“So you top?!”

If he wanted to be petulant that would be the perfect opportunity to say ‘Yes mom, you either bottoms or tops.’

“No...” He chose to tell her the truth. “We switch.”

“Hmmm...” She looked confused. “And how that works?”

“Mom!!!!” He berated her, shocked by how straightforward Penny Turner could be.

“I’m new to the gay son, I need to be educated.” She pointed out, resting her elbow on the table with face in her palm. Alex found cute that she wanted to know things, however, that was one of the reasons it'd taken so long for him to come out in the first place. “Your generation keep repeating that, and I’m listening.”

“Ya can ask me owt as long it's not related to...tha knows.”

“Ok, if you prefer that way son, I’ll respect that. Just please try being safe. I know you trust Miles but please be mindful of new circumstances. If ya ever ventured with another man...”

“I won’t mom,” He was quick to deny it. “Rest assured he’s the only one I’ve ever loved, and I’m not planning on venturing with anyone else anymore, man or woman.”

Penny squeaked, with her hands on her chest theatrically. “Do I hear wedding bells Alexander?”

He chuckled and unhurriedly took a swig from his beer. “That’s the plan. We ‘ave rings and everythin’.” He said showing the ring on his necklace.

“That’s so pretty...” Penny said while leaning forward to see the object up-close. “How about the baby?”

“What ‘bout ‘im?” Alex asked quizzically.

“He’s that bloke’s son.” She suddenly seemed to forget his name once more, and for that Alex was thankful. "So what’s the arrangement?”

Alex felt his stomach sinking. He hadn’t really thought of it, but now pondering about his last conversation with Miles, he’d mentioned the word stepfather, not father.

“I don’t know...” He said frankly. “I want him to be me son, mom...but I’ll ‘ave to wait and see what Miles will let me be.” He said tapping his plate, trying to distract himself from the option where Alan would parent with them, or worse, where Alex wouldn’t parent at all.

“It’s not just about what Miles want, but how about the other guy?”

“Miles is yet to ask for the divorce, he might not even want the baby," Or so he hoped. ”I dunno.”

Seeing how Alex was getting jittered, Penny finally dropped it. “Let’s see how it goes then...”

“Yeah...” Alex mumbled. “Do you wanna see a photo of ‘im?”

“Pauline has sent me one months ago. Is yours new? Show me!” She asked excitedly.

“Miles texted me when I was on the train, so yes it’d brand new.” He tapped his phone and opened the photo, passing the device on to Penny.

“Awww!! He looks so cute...hard to tell for sure from an ultrasound scan, but I can see the potential.”

“He’s adorable. Look!” He pointed at the black and white picture. “He’s sucking his thumb.” He said excitedly and proudly, like a proper dad. Regardless of what Miles would decide, he loved the baby, for real. Everything was against Alex on that, he wasn’t the baby’s biological father and he hadn’t been there from the beginning, but oddly so, he loved that boy to pieces. Maybe it was because of the connection he had with Miles, he couldn’t imagine his life without either of them.

Penny glassy eyes told Alex she’d got emotional. “Ya're so happy son.” She said wiping a tear. “I really hope ya get everything ya want.”

Alex sighed putting his phone away. “So do I mom. So do I…”

***

Alex: “I did it! I came out to my mom.”

Miles was still waiting for Alan to come home. He quickly texted Alex back.

Miles: “I'm so happy puppet! I hope it was easier than you'd imagined it’d be.”

Miles: “And please, wish me luck. He’s on his way home…”

Alex: “It was easy until she started asking about the sex…Guess she’ll ask your mom about that…Better to warn her.”

Alex: “And don’t worry, everything will work out, and even if they don’t, I’m here for you my love.”

Alex: “Text me when you’re done?”

Miles: “I reckon me mom won’t mind telling her everything, she’d been silent for years, the poor thing."

Miles: “And of course I’ll text you later, I love you.”

Alex: “I love you too babe."

His heart was warm, in an unfair way to what he was about to do to Alan. He didn’t deserve to be so happy while breaking Alan’s heart. Miles took a good look in the mirror.

“We ‘ave to talk.” He rehearsed. “Us…we…are not working.” He saw his face, it was pathetic.

“Argh!!” He groaned. “Not the right words Miles.” He said scolding himself.

“We need to talk…I want a divorce.” Just a heartless son of a bitch being selfish. “Argh!!”

"We need to talk…Ya know I do love ya but…”

“Talking to yourself honey?” At Alan’s voice Miles closed his eyes, he felt as if he was going to be sick. How should he even start that conversation? Alan did nothing to deserve it…except trying to push Alex away. His Alex. Miles could have been with him all these time if he’d listened to the voicemails Alan had deleted. And on top of that, he'd sent that box to Alex, taking advantage of how scared he was, trying to shoo him away from them.

He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down, no matter how upset he was with Alan, he was still his husband and all his shenanigans were justified by the fear of losing him - ironically what was about to happen. It was already going to be hard on him, Miles knew, and he didn’t want to hurt Alan more than necessary.

“We need to talk.” But how one should do that without being a jerk? Miles had never done that, he’d never broke up with anyone like this before. His ex girlfriends kicked his sorry ass, since he was too gay to be with women and it was evident, and Alex, oh Alex…he was the one who’d always leave.

“About?” Alan asked tiredly, it was all over his face how worn out he was from all the work at the restaurant, and Miles did noticed fresh cuts in his hands, he clearly hadn’t had a good day.

“Us.” Miles stared at him with what he could only imagine were sad eyes. He was sad, part of him at least. It was always sad when something great ended, like when the band left the stage after the encore, or like when the cleaners took the fields of a festival. You knew you had a good run, but it was over. No matter if the feelings had changed, they were still there, they’d just mutated into something else, like when a star would die into a supernova, and its elements would aid the formation of new stars.

“I see.” He said already in huffs of misery. Miles’ heart shattering at the realisation that Alan had been expecting this to happen. As of late Miles must have been a terrible husband, making Alan not seem surprise with the end. 

“I’m sorry.” The humid and small bathroom got too big when Alan left his prior position leaning onto the door frame to go to ‘their' bedroom, leaving Miles behind. There wouldn’t be ‘their’ bedroom anymore, Miles saw that now, and that made him wish he hadn’t ever met Alan, because the pain of separation was too grand and life was too short to be with someone who, although you'd loved, wasn’t the one for you.

Alan headed to the wardrobe and stared at the clothes in there. It’d always been Miles’ house, and clearly Alan was aware that he was the one leaving. The place was too silent, and that freaked Miles out, so he was the first one to start crying.

“I’m so sorry…” He sobbed, arms crossed on his chest, he sat on the floor leaning to the wall.

Alan looked down at where he was sat and Miles, now having a clear view of his face, could tell he was crying too. “Guess it wasn’t meant to be…” Alan said joining Miles on the floor. He sat in front of him, crossed leg like a child would sit.

There was no room for confrontation of any kind. Miles was so accustomed to Alan being at his house, that it was like the life of it was set to leave with him. He loved Alex so much - too much to be consider humane, too much to be consider divine - but what he felt for Alan was real too. In reality, Alan was his best friend. Maybe Alex would become his best friend again with time, but for now his best friend was the one he wordlessly had asked to leave.

Fuck!

“I tried believing he’s come to our lives 'cause he was sorry and wanted to make it up to you. I was the one who's open the fucking door for him to jump back in…I was so naive. Soon I’ve realised though he’ve got plans to steal you away, and he did a phenomenal job of it.” He said in tears, as he rubbed his face now red and puffy, trying to fight the wetting with his fingers and his palm.

“Ya deserve better Alan. Believe me ya do. Someone who wouldn’t ‘ave that much history with somebody else, someone who would make history with ya.” Miles whispered. The knot in his throat not anywhere close to ease up.

“I’d chosen you Miles, because I really wanted to erase your bad memories and start over, but you couldn’t forget. God knows I’ve tried." He sobbed. "I did nothing but to love and care for you, guess it wasn’t enough.” Miles knew how that felt, and he felt like an idiot doing to Alan what Alex had done to him.

“Come ‘ere.” Miles said bringing Alan to his arms. “It wasn’t lack of love ‘oney…it was me fault. I shouldn’t ‘ave married ya still hung up on someone else.”

The sentence made Alan start bawling harder, clinging to Miles, burying his face on his chest. As Miles watched the scene, he resented Alex, this would have been avoidable if he hadn’t ever left Miles.

“So if he didn’t exist…we'd have a real shot at this?!” Alan asked uncertain, looking at Miles expectantly with his big blue eyes.

“Yes darling. We’d have made the best of couples.” Miles said honestly and compassionately, stroking Alan’s arms. “Stay ‘till tomorrow, there’s no need to leave in the middle of the night. This ‘ouse will always, always be yar home.” Alan just nodded, clearly too tired and upset to fight the offer.

“I can’t believe it's over. I love you so much.” Alan said after some time of pulling himself together.

“I love ya too…ya know that’s true, don’t ya?” Miles was holding him from the back, on the floor. He stroked Alan’s jawline as if to guide his head to face back at him, and pleaded for a kiss with his eyes. For a moment he’d forgot the reasons why they were separating, he’d even forgot about Alex. He couldn’t think about what he was gaining, the only thing in his mind was what he was losing. And he was losing plenty.

Their lips pressed together for a long time, at first it was soft and gentle to soon become desperate. Miles blamed the understanding that these were the last hours they’d spent together, ever. Alan would be gone in the morning. His husband would be gone. His best friend would be gone. He’d be alone again.

The rest of the night had been spent mutely, the only communication had been made through kisses, cuddles, caresses, and tears. Nothing more. In the morning they’d discussed about the baby. Alan said he’d happily parent Johnny, but he knew how complicated things would be if he needed to see Miles often and so soon. Miles had told Alan he would be Johnny’s father if he insisted on it, that he’d never take him away unless he was willing to give up the role. Legal stuff had been considered. Divorce with children was difficult, even more than it already was without them. On top of that the law wasn’t as accommodating of gay married couples as it was of straight married couples.

Disgrace.

By the time Alan stood in the living room with a duffle bag slung on his shoulder, Miles was a wreck. He’d never thought this through. He’d never thought he’d need to see Alan go. He’d never thought it would hurt this much.

Both of them looked like they went to hell and back. Miles hugged him goodbye. More tears were shed.

“I'm gonna miss ya.” He said placing a chaste kiss to Alan’s lips.

“No you won’t.” He said bitterly. “You know Miles, someone else has kissed me. But different than you, he actually meant it.”

Miles stepped back surprised and hurt, letting go of Alan. “I wish nothing but the best to ya and whoever the guy is.” He was jealous, of course he was. He still had not right to be.

“He was right when he said Alex is the person for you, you two deserve each other. I hope you know he’s gonna leave you again.”

Before Miles had a chance to ask what the heck Alan was on about, he was gone. Miles was left to his sinking thoughts where he'd cogitated all the scenarios to where that conversation could have headed. Some of them were better than the others. He was yet to check his phone, to see if Alex had texted him. In reality he felt like ignoring him, and he did for good half an hour, but ultimately he was weak.

Alex: I’m worried… [01:10]

Alex: You still haven’t texted me…I can’t sleep. [03:50]

Alex: I hope you haven’t changed your mind… [05:01]

Miles: I haven’t. [10:10]

Alex: Finally! I was so worried.

The last one came with a photo of Alex’s new haircut. Clearly his mom had been the photographer. It was a little out of focus and asymmetric, the subject however, would save any picture from any mishaps. Miles melted at the sight, Alex was leaning on the kitchen table, half of his face covered by his hand, the other half smiled in a sweet and weightless way.

God, how much Miles missed him.

Miles: My baby's got a fresh trim. [Heart Emoji]

Miles: I miss you. When are you coming back?

Alex: Soon!

Alex: How was it Mi?

He meant the break up, of course, what else would be that in reference to?

Miles: “Awful.”

Alex: “Have you two fucked?”

Of all the questions he could ask…

Miles: No Al, but I won’t lie to you, we’ve kissed and cuddled.

No replied from Alex for a whole hour.

Miles: Aly?

Alex: That sounds worse…Is he gone now?

Miles: He’s gone, he’ll send someone to pick up his things later in the week.

Alex: How are you feeling?

Miles: Empty.

Alex: I’m gonna be on the first train back to London.

Miles: Are you sure? Your parents won’t be happy, you just got there.

Alex: Mom said it’s fine as long as we visit them soon. Together…

Miles: Deal.

Miles wasn’t going to protest, he wanted Alex with him, he couldn’t be alone again, especially not today. He wondered where Alan had gone to. Did he go to that guy’s house? The one he’d kissed. Everything felt so different now, different from when Alex had left him as well. Without Alan he felt this dull pain in his heart, as if the world had stopped while people kept going on with their lives, oblivious to the tears they'd shed and the kisses they’d shared. Without Alex though, it had always been an acute pain, powerful, staggering. However, the pain now wasn’t less uncomfortable, it was just more tolerable in a way. Miles was miserable, he couldn’t even bring himself to be happy with Alex finally coming out to his parents. All of this shit he’d got himself into wasn’t how he’d imagined things would be. He loved Alex, he truly did, but he had just destroyed the only thing that was real in his life. What if Alan was right? What if Alex would leave him again?

The more he thought the more he’d spiral down. He knew he needed to try with Al. He couldn’t go through his life without knowing how it’d be to be with Alex without having to pretend he wasn’t. If it wouldn’t work out though, it’d have come at a high price.

The house felt too empty, Alan would have been working now anyways, but the fact that he wouldn’t come back was weighing a whole pound in Miles' stomach.

Hours later, when Alex had got to London, Miles was still ruminating the end of his marriage. Alex told him he could go to Miles’ house, but Miles suggested going to Alex’s house instead.

Miles had run there, under atypical pouring rain, to escape the house and the memories. Everything there reminded him of Alan.

“Miles, you’re drenched!” Alex was perfectly dry, and looked so warm and welcoming when he opened the door. His fresh haircut lacked the usual hair gel, and his leather jacket hugged his shoulders perfectly over his black turtleneck. He looked supreme. Miles looked like a total mess.

However disarrayed he was, in the outside and in the inside, at the sight of Alex his thoughts had dissolved into nothing. He clashed their lips together, taking in the heat of the other man and the certitude that Alex was real and that now he was his, at last. His defences didn’t have a chance to build a wall to keep Alex out. Barriers could never be built with solid materials that would survive the comfort that Alex brought him, with a mere touch they’d all come crumbling down.

“You’re freezing!” Alex said rubbing his hands on Miles’ sides. Miles could feel himself cold at the contact with such a warm Alex.

“I ran.” He said with chattering teeth.


	12. It’s Not About The Dance

“There's a cold front comin', the temperature’s droppin' already. Ya’re not even wearing a jacket!!!” Alex locked the front door and hurried to Miles. “Hot shower, now!” Alex pointed upstairs, showing the known way to the bathroom, but as Miles quivered, he lifted him up bridal style, not leaving any time for the drenched man to protest. He sloppily made their way upstairs, some bumps had happened, everyone had survived. Miles held him close, his face in the crook of Alex’s neck as he shivered. Alex was so warm. And he smelled so bloody good. What was the harm in being here in his arms? None. Miles was a free man.

Reaching the bathroom, Alex put Miles down. The room was faintly steamy, the mirror hanging over the basin was still blurry with condensation, indicating that Alex had just showered. Miles stood on the small bath mat as Alex started running a bath, checking if the water was warm enough. Miles braced himself in attempts to warm himself up, looking over at Alex and kicking his loafers off, anticipating what would come next. Alex turned to face him. “Water is good.” He lifted Miles to place him in the bathtub, clothes and all. Soon Miles’ few thoughts were washed away as Alex unceremoniously held the shower head over Miles’ body, letting the warm water soak him. Alex kneeled down on the bath mat and started rubbing Miles’ skin, a sly look playing in his eyes.

Oh, the blessings of hypothermia.

_He should keep rubbing me like that, just like that._

Slowly the purple left his lips and nails, which was replaced with a blush. “Ya scare me doin’ things like tha'. Why haven’t ya got an Uber?”

“It's London, it’s raining, ya do the maths.” He said mockingly, laughing as he regained his ability to joke.

“Ya could ‘ave wait, tha knows? Rain in this town never lasts anyway.” He scolded, but in his face featured a telling grin. There was a lot of rain in London, but Miles understood what he’d meant. Rain in this town was on and off, like their old selves.

“I couldn’t wait to see ya.” Miles grinned back.

“Let’s get rid of those wet clothes, shall we?” He said already trying to remove Miles’ jeans, which offered a lot of resistance, then started fumbling with the buttons of his shirt.

“I’ll help ya.” Miles unbuttoned the remaining buttons of his shirt in record time. “See?” He said hurriedly removing his socks, and boxers. “Naked! Babe, why are ya still dressed?” He looked at Alex expectantly licking his own bottom lip. Alex, who still panted from rushing him upstairs, didn’t need to be told twice. His leather jacket was the first one to hit the floor, followed by the other items that covered his perfect skin.

Oh, the blessings of sight.

“Hurry! Come to the water now.” Miles demanded, in need of connection. Alex obliged, getting in the warm water gladly, sitting carefully opposite to Miles. The water still ran, but Alex changed the flow to come from the tap that sat in the middle of the bathtub.

Alex sat back and relaxed. All the tension in his muscles seemingly leaving his body. It’d been forever since the last time they’d been inside a tub together, so now they scandalously gawked at each other, with the stupidest smiles on their faces.

“I’ve dreamt ‘bout this many times.” Alex started.

“And how this dream of yars unfolds?” Miles floated to Alex’s side and straddled him, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arms around Alex’s neck. Alex reaches for the tap, turning it off, his hands going to the lower of Miles’ back.

“In mind blowing orgasms…” He laughed.

“I don’t mind when dreams come true, ya know?” He whispered sultrily in Alex’s ear, nibbling his earlobe provocatively. Alex shivered in response and kissed him, as if time had been reversed and that was their first kiss. “Me neither.” Their hips under water already committed to grinding, and their hands committed to roaming. They had done so much of this in clothes lately, but now they were exposed in bodies, so it was safe to say it was distinct.

Alex left Miles’s lips to kiss his arms, placing feather-like pecks to his skin, taking his sweet time on the pleasurable task. “I can’t believe we’re together again.” He sighed pressing a stronger kiss to the inside part of Miles' elbow. “I can’t believe ya’re mine.” Alex’s voice was deep and sensual, and Miles couldn’t suppress the rush of arousal that came into him.

Miles closed his eyes, taking in the caresses and what they meant, his head slowly falling backwards, exposing neck and collarbones to more kissing. “Mmmm…” He moaned softly. The memories of last night were now blurry, and the alcohol that he’d sipped earlier felt already out of his system.

This was perfect. Heaven. Nirvana.

He’d made the right choice.

“I've missed ya babe.” Alex’s head fell forward to Miles’ shoulder, and his breath hitched as his hands went down to Miles' ass, squeezing it possessively.

“Bed?” Miles suggested giving Alex a long-lasting kiss, making sure every part of their lips and tongues connected.

“Yes, please!” As they hastily made the move to the bed, wrapped in towels and giggling like two idiots that they were, the rain still castigated London - again atypically - a low thunder rumble could be heard in the distance. Miles had whined about it, saying something along the lines of ‘Look, I’d still be waiting for the rain to stop.’ to what Alex had replied with something like ‘Glad ya've defied the weather for me.'

In bed Alex was determined to kiss and lick every inch of Miles, and every curve where the water still pooled and where the water had been wiped out. Miles giggled at the feeling of Alex’s warm tongue leaving wet patches everywhere.

“Ya are as addictive as sugar.” Alex said with a roar, trying to imitate a lion, but ultimately resembling a kitty.

“That's ‘cause I’m sweet.” Miles chuckled and attentively watched as Alex made his way to his long erected cock, giving his chest open-mouthed wet kisses and little bites, whilst twisting his nipples softly between his fingers. Miles’s body trembled, no longer from the cold but from the heat coming from their randiness. Alex slowly stopped at his hipbones and licked the way down, getting to the perfectly trimmed pubes. Alex stroked there, a teasing eye on Miles’s eyes as he did so. Miles swiftly grabbed Alex’s hair and tried pushing him down to his cock, but the man took off his hands from his hair and held them down to his sides.

“Bad boy…” He mumbled with a smirk, proceeding to massage his testicles ever so gently, adding a finger to his entrance and licking a damp stripe from the base to the tip of Miles’ cock. “I want yar sweet cock.” He mumbled before taking him into his mouth.

“Fuck!” Miles groaned, unable to not squirm.

Miles felt powerless to the impetus of rolling his hips up to meet the bobbing Alex had started doing so avidly. His mouth was hot and wet, and his fingers were warm around him. It could have been any other blow job, except it was from Alex, his Alex. Miles moaned encouragements, as Alex’s hand glided from his sides to his hips, holding him there, steady with fingers that superficially dug the skin. Miles’s hands interlaced with Alex’s hair, bringing him deeper. He wondered how long it’d been for Alex, because it certainly felt like he sucked off dicks for a living. “And I want yar sweet, sweet ass.” Alex said, precum and saliva explicitly dripping from his lips.

Fuck!

_What if this is not as mind-blowing to Alex as it is to me?_

He couldn’t afford to not meet his expectations, even though Alex was moaning and eagerly taking him whole, it didn’t mean he was enjoying as much as Miles. “Ya taste so good.” Alex said taking a pause, and shortly resuming the sucking.

It was at that moment, that Miles realised he wanted the control. Better, he needed the control. He needed to make Alex his, to pleasure the other man, until Miles would be the only thing he could see, as if taking over this act would finally succeed in marking his territory.

“Let me take over…” He said in a low voice, repeating it seconds later. “Let me take over Al!”

Alex stopped, a confused look on his covered-in-spit face. “Wha'?"

“Come.” Miles pulled him closer and switched their positions in bed, getting on top of him, pressing Alex down to the mattress with his body. His hand automatically wiping out the gleaming spot on his lover’s face.

Miles kissed him hard. “I need to make ya mine.” His tongue swept the inside of Alex’s mouth, as he grabbed his hands and held them over Alex’s head.

_A little bit of control would calm me soul._

“Yeah, ya should go ahead and make me yars babe.” Alex said feigning innocence, suggestively bitting on his bottom lip, shameless proving his intentions. “Oh…and be cruel…I deserve it.” He said with a moan.

Miles’ cock twitched at his words. “Oh, ya certainly do!” Damn Miles if he wasn’t going to take everything now, tired of being robbed of Alex.

They were both obviously hard and ready to go, but Miles couldn’t stop thinking on how this hadn’t changed a bit. After all those years of separation, he still felt as if they were made for each other. Even afterwards, years ahead from today, when the thrilling would reach its peak and then start subsiding, he betted they would still be perfect for each other.

Their bodies had muscle memory that extended to theirs minds, making sex feels like a perfect ballet performance.

_Does he feel the same?_

Miles kissed Alex passionately, trying to keep his thoughts at bay, until Alex stopped him and looked into his eyes. “Whatcha thinkin’?”

He’d always had the greatest timing.

“‘bout 'ow much I love ya.” In a way, he was being honest, among his insecurities lay the undeniable sentiment that filled his every hour.

“Liar. I can ‘ear yar thoughts loud and clear.” Alex’s eyes had the mesmerising effect of an optical illusion to Miles, and he couldn’t help but plunge in. “I hear confusion babe.” There was the slightly movement from Alex’s hands suggesting he wanted to touch Miles’s face, but Miles didn’t let them go.

“Maybe it’s too silent in ‘ere.” Apart from the dull and tranquillising rain sounds outside, nothing else could be heard except for their whispers and breathing. “Stop trying to read me mind.” He said rubbing their noses together softly, his eyes partially closing as they touched.

“I can put summat on…Oh!” He said in realisation. “And light some candles.” He moved to stand up, but Miles held him down on the bed.

“Where do ya think ya’re going?” He brushed Alex’s lips with his own. “Ya’re not going anywhere me prince. Ya can get up when I’m done with ya.” Maybe he should remind him that he wouldn’t be done with him any time soon, and maybe they should just stay in bed forever and spare the trouble of having to return to it in the future.

Miles didn’t mind the sounds of rain after all, the steadiness of it, the peace it brought. He wanted to be able to really hear the sweet melodies of Alex’s gasps. He wanted to try guessing where they’d come from. His throat? His chest? The tip of his tongue?

Miles kissed him once more, his lips starting hurting from the friction. He wanted to make them eventually go numb and he wondered if Alex wanted the same. Maybe he’d like the opposite though, to sensitise them. Miles' hands still held Alex’s hands over his head when he slipped them down slowly caressing Alex’s arms, right under his biceps.

_Does he even know what he does to me?_

His hands kept the journey down, Alex smiled at him, fluttering his eyelashes.

_Does he even know how much of a fool I am for him?_

“Miles…” Alex said biting his own bottom lip, throwing his head down further into the pillow, asking silently for kisses on his neck.

_Does he feel the same when I call his name?_

“Alex…” Miles mumbled back onto his neck, kissing and nibbling on it. “Aly…” He licked his way to Alex’s jawline, and back into his mouth. His hands flew from his arms to his face. He looked down at him, noticing that the wrinkles on his forehead - product of frowning - got rather prominent in the last few years. Miles reckoned he hadn’t smiled as much during their time apart as he would have if they’d been together. Still Miles loved every mark on his face, everything that made Alex his Al.

_Does he think the same when he looks at me?_

Alex’s eyes were beaming at Miles, he looked pliant, serene and as sensual as someone could ever be.

**Act 1 - Scene 1 - Anticipation**

As his hands left Alex’s face to go down to Alex's armpits, he'd foreseen how ticklish he’d get and how he’d keep a straight face through it, without complaining or trying to fight it. He loved him for that, and for at least another thousand of reasons.

He’d foreseen what would make him moan. He’d also foreseen every one of his moves.

He’d foreseen his impatience and desperation, the rolling of his hips, the tongue wetting his lips.

**Act 1 - Scene 2 - Synchronism**

They had always been in tune in bed. If they weren’t a perfect match, Miles didn’t know what that would be. They rocked their hips together, cocks aligning as strongly as their minds. They waltzed and they pranced, not a single move in the wrong time. They were flawless. Award-winning worth. Shame nobody could see them now.

When Miles tried finding Alex’s hand, he did it without looking, when Alex reached for his crotch to palm him, he’d wrapped his cock in one single swift motion.

**Act 1 - Scene 3 - Balance**

It seemed they enjoyed pleasing the other just as much as being pleased. A scary notion at first, from the perspective that with other people they’d rather just go for it and quickly be done with it. Then it had changed, from scary to reassuring.

Miles had kissed Alex’s body, he’d sucked his cock, and he’d fingered him. Yet, he’d felt like the one being served a banquet on silver platters.

Alex was loud. Not louder than Miles, but louder than he’d ever been.

Miles reached for the condoms on the nightstand, because If one wanted to dance, one had to wear the right shoes for the dancefloor.

**Act 2 - Scene 1 - Rhythm**

They got it. That really summed it up.

Every single time they'd made love had been like listening to a song, and dancing to it. Alex would hum to Miles. Miles would hum something back to him. Alex would hum back again.

The crooning was beautiful, Alex's abuse of his falsetto really made it special, and Miles loved it.

When Miles had thrusted inside him for long enough, back and forth, back and forth, he'd asked. “Ride me.”

Alex got out of the restrictions that tied him under Miles to finally ride him. Up and down, up and down.

“Yes baby, shake me, shake me.” Alex was the best of all visions, the best of all shows. “Dance in me cock, like that!” The swaying of his hips were more precise than the precisest of all clocks. His sinful lips mumbled Miles’ name, making Miles put a finger in the gap he found there. Alex sucked on it.

**Act 2 - Scene 2 - Drama**

It’d always impressed Miles, that particular little thing about Alex. To this day, Alex could get into his drama shoes in no time, just like a blink of an eye. It’d occurred to Miles that it might have been a way of coping or hiding, that Alex didn’t like who he really was so then would impersonate a better Alex, or that it was a sort of escapism. In the end it was neither, it was instead related to how artistic Alex was.

Artists were complex people. Alex was complex. And Miles understood Alex. Because just like Alex, Miles was also complex and an artist, and something deep down himself knew he loved the drama, in particular when it was in bed.

Alex had his mouth wide open, his eyes shut, and his hands entwined with Miles’s. He whimpered as if the pleasure came in waves, and as if in waves it dissolved. His moans were quick, and sharp, and high-pitched. And their intervals were becoming shorter…

…and Miles was losing his fucking mind.

**Act 3 - Scene 1 - Engagement** ****

While Miles muttered profanities entwined with terms of endearment, Alex’s hands descended to held him close by the neck. The real grip he held though, was on his heart. The type of grasp no one had ever escaped, the type of grasp no one had ever wanted to.

And ultimately, after many deliberations on how Alex perceived Miles’s feeling for him, Alex had the face that said he knew it.

_Can he mend me broken heart? Even though he was the one who broke it?_

**Finale**

It came surreptitiously, sneaking its way into a perfect climax. Miles saw he'd been starving, that this was what he needed to live in opposite to just surviving. When Alex had asked Miles to cum inside his mouth, Miles saw Alex had probably been starving too.

It was the edge of desperation that’d given it away.

Spellbinding-love potion.

_Now he is bewitched. And bewildered. And enchanted._

But it backfired.

When Alex had moved to wait for it, Miles looked into his eyes under curved and long eyelashes, and he was already caught in his own trap.

_He’s everything I’ve ever wished for, and I know that for sure because I’ve wished for him specifically_

They had their limbs interlaced, like two plants that had grown on the same pot, fighting for nutrients, light and space, but in the end had decided on coexisting…happily. Miles laid on top of Alex, breathing in his post-sex scent with a whine suppressed in his throat, that eventually was replaced with a warm sigh to the other's skin.

_I could die right now, with him, for him._

The sound of the rain was invariable, getting into his brain and echoing only to hit his thoughts. He knew better than to believe Alex was his completely, the very one who’d always get away, but sweet Lord, how he wanted him to stay.

Alex placed a kiss to Miles’ hair, bringing him back to Earth. “Some things never change...”

“I really hope they do change though…” Miles replied without much thinking.

Alex shifted in response, his head awkwardly turning to face Miles who still rested on his neck. “Wha’?”

“The sex Al....it’s always been this great but you’ve left me anyway.” He deepened his position in the crook of Alex’s neck, wanting to bury himself there as much as possible, determined to get inside him one more time.

**Backstage Drama**

“If anyone should feel insecure reight now, tha' one is me. I weren't kissing and cuddling someone else just yesterday.”

That was time for Miles to get out of his neck and face him closely. “I knew you’d hold that against me, Alex…” He didn’t alter the tone of his voice though

Alex rolled his eyes, but seemed to regain his composure quickly. “I think we should get married tha' knows…Let's elope! Tomorrow! Or not later than the end of this week if tomorrow isn’t good for ya…I want ya to be officially mine.”

Miles sighed. That could only be the universe playing one big fat joke on him. After waiting for so many years, Alex wanting to marry him now and not later was a sick joke. Did he even know? “We can’t get married just yet, the divorce takes two years.”

“Wha’ the fuck!!” Alex wide-eyed him, obviously shocked with the information.

So he didn’t know…Miles thought he’d known divorces weren’t easy.

“Calm down Al, it doesn’t mean anythin', I’m with ya now.”

Alex snorted. “Says someone who’d been kissin' the guy just yesterday.”

“He were me husband yesterday Al, and I hurt him pretty badly…” Miles said with a whine. Alex lightly pushed him out of his neck.

“He’s gonna be yar husband for the next two fucking years Miles!” He said showing two fingers and getting up. He walked to the bathroom, Miles followed behind.

“We’re separate, he’s gone!" Miles gesticulated wildly.

Alex stopped in front of the mirror, reaching for the hand towel and turning the tap on. “How was it then? Huh?” He looked at Miles through the mirror. He was definitely upset and the last thing Miles wanted was to start a fight. “The sex just now. Was it better than with ‘im?”

“Alex!” Miles tilted his head as he pronounced the name with a caveat tone. Why did it always come to this?

Alex let the towel soaked under the water and then took it to his stomach, angrily rubbing away his own cum from there. “Alex wha’? It’s a simple question. Was it better with me?”

It was not about the dance; it was about the dancing partner.

“Yes.” Miles said sheepishly, looking down at his bare feet and wondering what else would come from this conversation. Should he really reassure Alex? Or would he be better off keeping him insecure?

Alex tossed the wet towel to the laundry basket, Miles wanted to tell him that wasn’t a good idea - he should let it dry first - but he refrained, it was not like the bathroom wasn’t a mess already with all their clothes scattered on the floor.

Miles looked up at Alex and they hold their gaze. “Was he a bottom or a top?” His face on the mirror showed no change on his angriness and Miles felt himself burn when the bad type of adrenaline rushed to his veins.

“Alex!” Miles pleaded. “It don’t matter.”

Alex turned and walked out of the room, waking past Miles and making a point of ignoring him. Miles followed, throwing his hands to the air admitting defeat.“Okay...he was mostly a top.”

Alex stopped dead on his tracks and turned to face Miles. “Was that why ya wanted to top? Yar beloved husband didn’t like it…argh!!!” The groan sounded as if it had come directly from his soul, his face scrunched up accordingly. Miles stared at him with eyes wide open, the word ‘shit’ repeating itself on his mind. “I hate that he'd ever fucked ya. I hate it! I hate it!!”

It was the past, he was Alex’s now, in a certain way he’d always been Alex’s. And the fact that Alex hadn’t changed the slightest bit regarding his jealousy, even though Miles had broken up his marriage to be with him, was really concerning. Actually, now he sounds even more possessive and jealous, and that was done being cute. Alex’s fear of Miles eventually cheating on him was half the reason why he’d left Miles in the first place.

Alex had to change. “We’ll need to do something 'bout yar jealousy Al, otherwise we’ll end up divorcing in the long run. And God knows I’d never want to divorce ya, ever!”

“Ohhh, guess what, to divorce me ya’d have to marry me first, but you can’t, can ya?” Alex fell to the bed with a thump, the new foot-stomping of their relationship, Miles presumed.

Miles sat beside him. “Are you resenting me for getting married?”

Alex crossed his arms on his chest, like a petulant child. “Yes, I resent ya for gettin' married and makin' everythin' so 'ard on us. I’m not even gonna start on 'aving that man parenting Johnny, the thought of it alone exasperates me.”

“So just so ya know, I resent ya for leavin' and makin' me think I didn’t have a chance with ya.” All the feelings of being left behind resurfaced. The sadness, the frustration and more importantly, the longing. “I’d have held on to any grain of hope Alex, I’d 'ave waited for you forever, but ya’ve given me none, so yeah, I got married. I tried to move on, how can ya blame me? Also, Alan isn’t Johnny’s father, he’d opted out. I guess Johnny and I are alone now.” Miles looked at Alex, because somewhere along the sentence he’d stopped seeing what was right in front of him. There he find a smile on his face. “And ya better wipe that smile off yar face mister.” He couldn’t resist but to smile back. What a fool he actually was for him, an immense fool.

“Kiss me.” A hand found Miles’s wrist and slowly caressed it. Doe eyes shone his way and once more his thoughts melted.

“We’re fightin'.” Miles suggested, the grin on his face miserably betraying him.

“We were, now it’s time to make love again.” Alex pulled him for a kiss. “I need to fuck ya ‘till I can’t smell 'im on ya anymore.”

One more kiss. “I actually showered before coming ‘ere Alex.”

“I still can smell him though.” Alex cocked an eyebrow, miles could only be sporting an incredulous face. “I’m gonna fuck ya ‘till I can smell only me own scent on ya.”

“Not opposite to that...” Miles finally surrendered and lay on top of Alex, kissing him deeply.

“I’ll need half an hour though, I’m not in me twenties tha' knows…”

They talked between kisses. “I can’t wait for it babe...I missed having ya inside me so much.” Miles teased, fully aware he’d missed being inside him as well, he’d missed touching him, he’d missed his taste and the way he smelled, he’d missed his moans and giggles. He’d missed absolutely everything. Even his annoying habits.

_Does he know the world will end before I stop loving him?_

“Gonna make ya mine.” Whispered Alex as they rolled around in bed, making Alex landing on top of Miles, regaining the control.

Under so much truth in his eyes, Miles couldn’t help but to let the mushy declaration out. “I’m already yars babe.”

**Act 1 - Scene 1 - Anticipation**

...

***

They lay in bed after another session of sex, and Miles was dreading the task of going to his house. Alex lay on his chest, placing feather-like kisses to Miles’s skin. “I need to go ‘ome.” He mumbled more to himself than to Alex, trying to summon the strength to leave.

“Ya're ‘ome. No need to go anywhere…” He sounded lazy as he snugged up to Miles.

Miles was certain Alex would soon be asleep, regardless of his efforts to stay awake. Too much release he presumed, making him shattered by satisfaction. Miles caressed his arms and brought him even closer.

“Can’t. ‘ave me glasses there and can’t sleep with me contact lens. At least not when I’m sober. It’d be stupid if ya asked me.”

Sleeping with contact lenses was the stupidest thing a contact lenses wearer could do to themselves. One may wonder what were the risks of it, and eye infection was the short answer.

“Still ‘ave yar glasses ‘ere babe.” Alex mumbled, already falling into slumber.

Alex mustn’t have his glasses there, he was probably just dreaming.

Miles rubbed his index under Alex’s chin. “Hey, don’t sleep now love, I need to go and get me glasses.”

Alex flung an eye open. “I still ‘ave yars glasses from before. Ya left them ‘ere once, I kept it. The black ones. They’re in the nightstand's drawer, same place ya’ve left them.”

Miles smiled. “I didn’t know I’d left them ‘ere, thought I’d lost them. But it’s been years, me prescriptions changed and-”

“Just try it, it’s not tha’ old.” He suggested already closing his eyes again and burying his face in the crook of Miles’ neck.

He could try. Maybe it’d be alright, his prescription hadn’t had major changes in the last few years anyways. Miles reached for the drawer, shifting enough to disturb the little prince half asleep on his chest. There they were, his prescription glasses, lying in the drawer as if not one single day had gone by.

“Ya do ‘ave it.” Miles disentangled himself from Alex, under a lot of unhappy groans, and headed to the bathroom. He’d got rid of the daily contact lenses and put on his glasses. He blinked a few times. It wasn’t half bad actually. He could see fairly. A little uncomfortable but doable. Looking down at the floor, he moved to collect their clothes from it. He saved his phone from the doom of the washing machine first, and threw their clothes in the laundry basket, except for Alex's jacket that he draped on a chair in Alex’s bedroom.

Finally in bed again, Miles lay down next to Alex. He reached for his phone and started scrolling on it. Some messages were there, none from Alan.

Where was he sleeping?

Had he been eating?

Was he sad?

He let out a painful sigh, his worried mind not giving him any truce, and he didn’t have the heart to tell Alex he was worried about his ex husband. Should he text Alan? No, no…not with Alex right by his side. Not a good idea, especially when he could feel eyes on him, that feeling that someone was watching every one of your moves, that sensation that made a hole in your neck. This time they were eyes of an angel, lying on his side, propped himself up on an elbow. “Ya’re staring, I can actually see ya with me side vision Al.” He scolded playfully.

“I'm just admiring ya…I’ve forgot ‘ow cute ya look wearing yar glasses.”

His own fault, Miles thought, but he smiled anyway and kissed Alex for the compliment. “Are we gonna sleep naked?”

“I don’t see why not Mi.” Alex chuckled and moved to hug Miles.

Miles dodged him in order to put his phone down on the nightstand. With Alex awake he didn’t want to miss those minutes scrolling aimless through his phone. He also had an important question to ask him. Miles turned back to him and pressed their foreheads together. His hand stroking Alex’s cheek.

“Al…Ya're wearing yar ring…What does that mean?”

Alex looked down at his own hand without disconnecting their foreheads, a small smile illuminating his features. “That I’m committed to ya.” Alex looked back into Miles’s eyes, Miles’s heart fluttered and his mouth fell open. He didn’t know what to say, every new move from Alex that suggested they were a real couple sounded so painfully - and yet so delightfully - unreal.

At the total silence Miles had given Alex, Alex continued. “I hope ya know exactly what the ring in yar finger means too.” His hand searched for Miles’ left hand, the one where he wore the moon ring, and gently took it to his lips, placing a soft kiss to his fingers.

“Pinch me.” Miles mustered the words. Alex was quick to obey, dropping Miles’ hand for the benefit of pinching Miles’ nipple.

“Ouch!” He kinda meant it figuratively, but he wasn’t about to complain. “I’ll probably need one reminder a day ya know…”

Alex kissed him. “Don’t worry, I got it.”

It didn’t take long before Alex was asleep wrapped in Miles’ arms, legs entangled under the sheets, bodies touching in most parts.

Sleep didn’t come to Miles as quick, instead he'd chosen to watch Alex sleep. While he could hold him, while his whole world was so reachable, while everything was nothing but perfect. His memories of Alan getting blurrier by the second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this for weeks, and it doesn't matter how many times I proofread it I'm still not happy with it, so I guess it's time to let go and start writing a new chapter. LOL
> 
> P.S.: After rereading "Beautifully Unconventional" I had to add some ABO references.


	13. The Mermaid

The weight in his limbs showed that he’d overslept. Lying on his stomach, Miles tapped the nightstand searching for his glasses, the first thing he’d do every morning since he couldn’t see much without them. He turned to lie on his back and put his glasses on. Accustomed to wake up alone while he’d been married to a chef, he didn’t care for being alone in bed in the mornings at all. He stiffened a yawn, and as his vision wasn’t as sharp as usual and the glasses felt different resting on his nose, he’d finally realised he wasn’t at his house. He took in the surroundings slowly: the nearly empty room, the white cotton sheets, the leather jacket draped on the chair in the corner.

Alex.

Suddenly walking up alone upset Miles. He wondered where the man had vanished to, already escaping the scene where the remains of their love making still lay. He sighed, moving to sit on the bed, recollecting all the times he’d awaken exactly like this just to run after an Alex who’d been long gone.

When the bits of sleep finally left him and he was ready to feel fired up, a melody filled the before silent place. The song undisputed came from the next room. The piano fingering was rapid and miles could tell the choice of chords revolved around minors. The sorrow of them making him involuntarily tear up.

Why was Alex playing such a sad tune?

Miles stood up with a jump, and stumbled to the other room, almost tripping on his own long legs. Failing to be discreet with the loud thuds coming from himself, Miles’ lips curled up bashfully as Alex stopped playing the song and looked at Miles with a tender smile. “Mmm, naked Miles in the morning.” Alex licked his own lips and was up in a split second, arms around Miles, bringing him close. He kissed him, tongue inside his mouth and a moan inside his throat.

“It’s hardly morning! It’s almost noon.” Miles protested, realising Alex was already dressed. “You’re wearing clothes! Not only that...” He tried to say as Alex kept kissing his neck and making very distracting smooch sounds. “Ya’ve been playing without me, while you let me oversleep. Ya know ‘ow I get when I oversleep. I’m all grumpy now.”

The kissing continued uninterruptedly. Grumpy Miles was really having troubles keeping up being like that. A hand sneakily glided to his bum, and he grew less and less inflexible. A small whimper escaping his lips.

“We need to ‘ave loads of sex before the baby comes, we’ll be busy then.”

What the hell had he just said? Oh, if Alex’s hands all over his body weren’t so distractive, he’d have to have the talk with him again.

***

But it was only after they had sex one more time that the subject was approached.

Alex had kept his clothes on, which Miles judged unfair and counterproductive. The lazy bastard had only taken his cock out, and now he laid peacefully, still fully clothed except for his belt. He'd taken off that malicious belt in a torturously slow dance, followed by the opening of his zipper and pushing down of his boxers. Why did he have to be so impossibly irresistible?

“Babe, when ya were saying earlier ‘bout us being busy when Johnny comes, we need to set some ground rules.” Miles sighed, his eyes darting to Alex lying next to him, Alex’s hand caressing the short strands of Miles’ hair. He’d seen when Alex furrowed his brows, unhappy with the suggestion in Miles’s statement. “I’m not ready for ya to jump in as a parent to him.”

“Aren’t we an item then? Did I get this all wrong?” Alex avoided his eyes, staring at the ceiling instead.

Miles sighed, shaking his head. “It’s not like tha’.” Gosh, why did he make it so hard? “I’m committed to ya, but Johnny is the next step. I’ll be parenting him, not ya...At least in the beginning, Al. I’ll see how things develop from there.” If he could ever deem Alex trustworthy, that was.

“When then? ‘Cause Mi...I’m his dad. I really don’t want to leave the role open to anyone else. It’s me role. I’m yar...eh...what am I to ya again?” He now turned to look at Miles, and his eyes looked as melancholy as the song he’d been playing earlier.

_Everything?_

Miles’ heart felt small under his gaze. “Me boyfriend?”

“No.” Eyes back on the ceiling. “That doesn’t cut it. We’re more than that, and we’re close to being forty now. It sounds bloody ridiculous to call each other 'boyfriend’.”

Alex had a point. “What would ya call it then?”

Alex sighed. “I dunno... fiancé?” His hand left Miles’ hair to find the other’s hand and entwine their fingers. “I’d rather call ya me husband though.” His face fell to the side, to where Miles was lying. “You?”

“I’d love tha’” Miles squeezed his hand and showed him a bittersweet smile.

“I’ve never heard that tune before, Al. It’s beautiful...but sounded sad.” Miles turned his entire body to lie on Alex’s chest. He really ought to go home and talk to his solicitor about filing for divorce. Could he file for divorce right the way and then the two years will start counting? How did it work? Could Alan ever try to claim parent rights? Could Alex be registered as the father, even though he was still married to Alan?

“I’m glad ya like it, it’s TLSP. And it’s only sad because it needs yar magic touch.” 

Right…TLSP...Alex did promise a new record. Miles could use that pinch again. Miles looked at him so fondly, so unbearably smitten that he could literally burst of happiness if there weren’t so many problems in his mind right now. He stayed silence, looking over at Alex’s glowing face.

Alex looked so happy.

“I want ya to move in. I’ll go with ya to yar ‘ouse, we pack yar things and we come back ‘ere.”

It was shocking to Miles, the notion that Alex wanted to live with him. “Don’t ya think that’d be too rushed? The last thing I want is for ya to regret this, Alex.”

“I won’t regret it.” Alex reiterated. “And we should use the room next door as the studio for the next few months so we finish most of the songs before the baby comes. That will be his room.”

Part of Miles wanted to shout at Alex to stop making plans that involved Johnny, part of Miles got deeper in love. “His room will be in me house though.”

Alex buried his face on Miles’s shoulder, and with a low voice replied. “He can ‘ave a room in each house then. That room will be his room ‘ere. I have it planned.”

Was he implying he’d decorate the room?

“Aly...Do ya know that once ya’re a parent ya can’t go back? Ya can’t be a part-time father, ya can’t decide that ya no longer want it for ya, ya can’t go for another girlfriend, or move to another country. Ya’d be stuck with him wherever I am. If ya get tired of me, if we don’t work out, ya can’t leave yar kid behind! God, Alex, especially not with a special needs child. I’m sparing ya this pain, Alex. Believe me! The pain of realising ya didn’t want a son.” 

Alex shrugged. “I know what I want. The question is what you want.”

Miles sighed, his lips inevitably finding Alex’s skin for a brief kiss. “I’ll bring some of me stuff ‘ere, but I won’t fully move in though, ya know what I mean? It’s too soon, and if I bring all me shit ‘ere it’d be impossible to go back to me house later.” Later, when Alex would be tired of playing house. Later, when Miles wouldn’t be able to function without him.

“I’m counting on it.” Alex gave him a long kiss. “Aren’t ya hungry babe? Ya ‘avent had anything to eat. I can bring ya breakfast in bed.”

“No fucking way,” He protested. "The French one ruined that for me.”

“I’m sorry babe. If it’s any consolation, I didn’t like her.”

Exactly like with the other ones.

“It doesn’t, it annoys me. Let’s go downstairs and have breakfast at the table like normal people.” Miles said, already making his way to Alex's wardrobe to borrow some of his clothes.

“I love ya.” He heard as he opened a drawer.

“Of course ya do, ya fool.”

Alex laughed and stood up, walking up to Miles and connecting his crotch to the other man’s bum.

Hard. It’d be so fucking hard to leave the room.

***

Alex wondered how he should approach the subject of the surrogacy? Who’d payed for it? Had it been Miles alone or Alan chipped in? If he did, that bothered Alex. One more thing he’d been meaning to ask, but hadn’t, was who’d been the egg donor. Alex knew it wasn’t Olivia, she was only the surrogate. The baby was Miles’s and a woman, but who was she? Was she a random woman they chose from the files at the surrogacy agency? Or was she related to Alan somehow? Alan was adopted, he was aware, but he could have well reconnected with someone he shared DNA with.

Not knowing was killing Alex.

Miles seemed oblivious to the turmoil in Alex’s mind, or considering their telepathy, maybe not. Pouring himself some coffee and cheerfully talking about the outfits they could wear on tour, he seemed to ignore Alex’s troubles. Did the egg donor had anything of Alex’s personality? Not that it mattered, but he was curious. “The egg donor...” It was more like thinking out loud. He still did not know how to approach the delicate subject, but when with Miles, words seemed to flow from his mouth quicker than with anyone else. Miles had a knife mid-air covered in butter, he stopped talking at the word “sequins” and turned his gaze to Alex. “Yes?” His eyes docile. 

“Who is she?” Alex swallowed hard, genuinely afraid of the answer, even though he shouldn't. “Do ya know her in person?”

Miles let out a breath. “No babe, we’ve chosen her by her profile.” A small smile danced on his face.

One less problem. At least she came from the files and had no ties to Alan. “May I see it?”

“Sure...” There was the slightest hesitation in his voice, and Alex caught it in the air like a flying ball. “Eh, I have a copy on me phone.” Miles tapped on his phone and scrolled and tapped again. “Here.” 

Alex grabbed the phone, sweat damping his hands. He shouldn’t feel this way, even if the egg donor resembled Alan, it wouldn’t be an issue, he loved Johnny as his own. His eyes started perusing the file from the top. 

Age: 29

Race: Caucasian

Ethnicity: English

Hair Colour: Brown

Eye Colour: Brown 

_Interesting_

Religion: Agnostic 

_Good_

Education: Bachelor of Music 

***

It’d dumbfounded Alex, who sat there agape. “She studied music.”

“Keep reading Aly...” On the one hand Miles looked amused, on the other hand Alex could still feel the hesitation irradiating from him.

***

Personality: 

Talking about myself is probably the hardest thing one can ever ask of me, but considering I was given time to do so, I hope my attempt is not as poor as I believe it will end up being. Unfortunately, I have to leave specifics out and that makes this harder than it already is. According to the agency, I can’t share things that could help identify me, apart from my photo itself. Funny! 

***

“Do ya have a photo of her?” Miles just dismissed Alex’s question and gestured for him to keep reading.

***

I’m an orchestra pianist, originally from the North of England. Believe it or not, despite the many piano performances I’ve given, when I’m not behind a piano I can be shy and a little awkward. People don’t see it though, they think I’m sociable. But that’s because when I’m around them, I’m agreeable and talkative. I converse animatedly about a wide variety of subjects. It’s more like an internalised introversion, what I have, if there is such a thing. 

I like to think I’ve got a pleasant sense of humour, I must warn you however, that I laugh at the silly things the most. Aren’t they the funniest after all? I’ve caught myself laughing for hours at a stupid cat meme, and now that I just remembered about it, I’m laughing again. It doesn’t matter how many books I’ve read, how superior my dexterity on the piano is, or how entranced I leave an audience after a performance, cat memes always make me roar with laughter. That’s exactly why I don’t have social media, I’d be completely absorbed by cat memes in no time. Consider that, if ever allowing the little one some screen time. 

When I’m not playing or composing, I love either cooking or doing crafts. Give me paper and scissors and I’ll give you shadow puppets. Give me paint and a canvas and I’ll give you a painting. Give me ingredients and I’ll give you a meal. I’m that resourceful.

I’ve travelled some. The music school I attended was in New York (I guess I can get away with this specificity), and I adore that city. When living there my motto used to be “There’s nothing that a stroll in Central Park won’t cure.”, and I couldn’t be more right. I miss New York. If only I could bring Central Park to London.

***

“Fuck, did she go to Juilliard?”

Miles shrugged. “Juilliard ain’t the only music school in New York, Alex.”

***

My guilty pleasure is listening to rock. I know, and I can see the irony there, the pianist who’s been playing classic music for decades dancing to a loud banger. Rest assured my favourites are still Bach, Beethoven and Chopin, even though I can’t resist the occasional Beatles. If I were to have any say in how you should bring your son/daughter up, I’d put my two cents in asking you to please, introduce The Beatles to the kid, show them Revolver, The White Album, Abbey Road! But also, introduce Bach, Beethoven and Chopin to them, show them all the symphonies, send them to music school. Music runs in the veins of my heart, chances are it will run in your kid’s veins too.

Both my parents teach English at a University in the North of England. They’d expected me to follow the tradition and join them in the profession, but I just couldn’t do it. My passion for music has always been loud and almost deafening to me, like a mermaid’s call. I’ve known what I wanted to do since a very young age: play the piano and sing. Have I mentioned singing before? I guess I haven’t. Of course I don’t sing with the orchestra, instead I just sing in the safety of four walls, with no audience at all. I sing my own compositions, most of them won’t ever see the light of the day and I’d like to keep it that way. Maybe I could say I’m protective of my singing, having let only a few people listen to it, so the only information I’m going to disclose here is that I’m a Mezzo Soprano. If you know, you know.

It was playing that I met her, my life partner, my now family. I was young back then, practicing the piano for many hours a day, I hadn’t even seen when she’d stepped into the room. There was no one there but the two of us, she’d let me play for two more hours, out of kindness I presume, until she’d announced it was time to close the school. Then I noticed her, and she hasn't gone unnoticed ever since. Our eyes locked, and it was like love at first sight, I had no doubts she was the one. There was a spark there, a powerful pull, making me immediately feel drawn to her. And all of that can be irrelevant to you, and for that I’m sorry, but I just can’t stop gushing about her. She's a better musician and a better person than I’ll ever be, yet she thinks the same about me. I could never see our relationship as subversive or immoral, not even if I tried. Shall we just say that perhaps love is a beautiful thing?

I confess I didn’t know whether I should’ve being open about my sexuality in this letter, not even if it’s allowed, but I think you have the right to know, if not who I am, how I am. I’ve chosen to go with my heart, and I hope that it doesn’t discourage you to go forward with choosing my eggs.

Some miscellaneous information for you: I’m calm and collected. I believe in treating people like I like to be treated. I’m a romantic, a dreamer (with feet on the ground), a hard worker - all of those mixed in an indecipherable complex kaleidoscope, available to be explored by the interested eye. I’m restless until I reach my goals and tireless for my music. To me, friends are close to be everything, and family IS everything. I'm sensitive and in tune with nature and humanity.

Moving on to my upbringing: although my parents are intellectuals, you should know they brought me up in a loving home. They cried when I’d moved to New York like two babies, but not before throwing me a ridiculous farewell party. Don’t think I’m ungrateful, I’d die for my parents right now. Still, they’ve ordered an ice sculpture. Of all things, an ice sculpture! Can you believe it? Because I still can’t.

My mom loves telling everyone that as a toddler I could read, and my dad loves telling everyone that as a toddler I could dance (dad is my favourite, can you tell? Whatever you do though, don’t tell my mom, because she’s fierce). I was very independent as a child, even without many friends to lean on to. I was quiet and attentive, and although I couldn’t be called a prodigy in the usual sense of the word, my abilities were definitely advanced for my age - by months and sometimes even years.

I used to spend many hours making cardboard models. My parents weren’t delighted however, when one of those models took over my whole room, neither when I used part of their furniture to build wooden models. Nonetheless, they couldn’t help but to be supportive of whatever I was creating. I’m certain that all the freedom I had when I was younger made me a confident adult, confident enough to do this for you - a total stranger.

That takes me to the reasons I’m doing it, donating my eggs. Simple answer is I’m doing it for science. The fact that we’d advanced as species to the point of creating tiny humans in Petri dishes is almost surreal, and I particularly find it utterly fascinating. I’m also doing it for humanitarian reasons. Whatever the reasons you can’t have children of your own, if you have chosen me as the egg donor, know that I’m elated to be part of your experience, even though my part is a tiny to play. 

I don’t feel I’m giving you part of my body; I feel I’m giving you hope, isn’t that the least we humans should give each other?

I’d like to finish this letter saying that I’ve read many ‘thank you’ letters from parents to their egg donors, showing their immense gratitude for their selfless act. In those letters, smudged in tears of contentment and fulfilment, words like angel and miracle filled the pages, close to being overused and lose their meaning. While I’d appreciate you contacting me to either thank me or tell me about your little one, I’d like to clarify right now that I don’t require you to do so, and please don’t call me a divine creature’s name, that’d be embarrassing, for you and for me. The baby will be yours, your son or daughter, or sons and daughters (if you are lucky). And I’m not an angel, neither a miracle worker of any kind; I’m just a woman, a music lover, and a lover of life who’s glad to help.

Believe nothing else.

Yours Sincerely,

The Mermaid*

*In my defense, I’ve said nothing about Mythical Creatures.

***

Alex felt the tears reaching his eyes. He loved everything about her: besides her sense of humour showing through, she was gay and a pianist! She was absolutely perfect!

How Alan accepted her was beyond his comprehension.

He looked up to find Miles’ grin. “I’ve chosen well, haven’t I babe?”

Alex wiped out a tear, still staring at the phone as if he couldn’t believe what he'd just read. “She’s perfect.” He took a hand to his mouth, holding his astonishment.

Alex saw Miles shaking his head the slightest, with a lopsided smile he sipped on his coffee.

Alex frowned and tilted his head to the side to avoid the phone screen and face Miles. “Wha’?”

Miles laughed, choking and spitting the coffee. After some coursing he looked at Alex. “Of course she’s perfect, Al! She is you!”

What? Alex did not see it. She was so much better than Alex. The confusion on his face made Miles add. “She’s ya, but better. Because she can actually cook.”

Alex wanted to protest, but yes, he couldn’t cook. With the baby coming though, it was time for him to learn how to. The sudden desire to attend a cooking class had nothing to do with making Miles forget about Alan completely. “I want to learn how to cook once and for all.”

Miles smiled softly, biting on his toast. “I’m supportive. Use me as a guinea pig." His mouth full as he chewed happily on his bread. “Wanna see her photo?”

That was the same as asking a monkey if they wanted a banana. “Of course!”

“Swipe to the right.” Miles did a swift motion with his finger showing Alex what to do, and Alex mimicked.

He couldn’t help but notice the satisfaction in Miles’ features. He smiled softly at that, turning his gaze back to the phone. "Wow!” Alex exclaimed. “She’s hot!"

Past the first impression came jealousy. He remembered Miles had chosen this person to be Johnny's mother. But before Alex’s astonished face, Miles inquired. “Ya see it don’t ya?”

“Wha’ should I see ‘ere?” Besides that she was scorching hot? In his stomach, a stone danced. What if later on Miles would want to meet her?

“The jawline, the doe eyes, the dark brown hair, the widow’s peak.”

Was he implying that she remotely looked like Alex? Not possible. Alex looked at the photo again, more attentively this time. Eyes going up and down her features. She had a smiled on her face, a sweet smile Alex admitted. Her jawline was sharp, similar to Alex’s. Her nose was smaller than Alex’s, thank the universe for that. The widow’s peak was partially hidden by long bangs that fell curled on her face. She had big doe eyes, rounded and charismatic. Her cheeks weren’t protuberant, neither they were shallow.

She looked like Alex.

“Fuck!” His mouth fell open in a ‘U' shape. So many emotions took over him. First came the idea that Miles had chosen someone who resembled Alex whilst he’d still been married to Alan. Second, now he felt as if he was Johnny’s father more than ever. Third, how the hell he’d find this perfect woman?

“Now ya see it! Took ya long enough babe.”

He couldn't even look at Miles. He was happy and upset. Happy because Johnny was more his now. And upset because Miles hadn’t told him before. And he’d seen the hesitation before Miles showed him the profile.

“Are ya sure she ain’t a Turner?” He managed to turn his gaze to Miles.

Miles shrugged. “Maybe she is, I’m not allowed to know it. It don’t matter though, in me mind she's ya, dressed in a mermaid’s fancy dress." Miles laughed, loudly and lightheartedly.

Alex had needed a minute to breathe, to avoid confronting Miles about it. He wanted to say Johnny was his no matter what, however, he knew that it would only make things harder on them, and they didn't need the added stress.

Miles had finished his breakfast and had walked out of their home to go fetch his things at his house. Alex had wanted to join Miles, but Miles had wanted to go there alone.

Now Alex could only wait, and he really sucked at it.

***

When Miles stepped inside the house with five suitcases filled with stuff and his guitar case, it was past two in the morning and the place was silent and dark. He tiptoed inside, rolling one of the suitcases as quietly as he could, not wanting to wake up Alex. The last time he’d heard from him was two hours ago, he had called Miles many times during the day, and in the last three phone calls he’d only asked when Miles would come home.

‘Home’, with Alex, was still a foreign notion.

Miles kicked off his shoes and placed the keys on the console table. Glancing at the living room, he spotted Alex amid the dark, lying on the couch, snoring softly. Miles smiled, stopping the rolling of his suitcases to walk up to Alex. He sat gingerly beside him, hands finding Alex’s neck where he stroked gently. “Hey, prince. We should go to bed.” He whispered.

Alex stirred and groaned something Miles couldn't figure out. Suddenly he opened his eyes and beamed towards Miles. "Hey, ya’re finally 'ome. I've tried to wait, but I was so tired.” His voice was hoarse and deeper from sleep, making Miles’ heart pathetically flip in his chest.

He could kid himself as much as he wanted, thinking his home was wherever his best pair of loafers dwelled, but deep down he knew, deep inside his heart he knew his home was wherever Alex was. Who was he trying to fool by saying he would bring just a few things to then see how things would go? He wouldn’t want to leave Alex, ever. “Let’s go to bed, eh? Can ya walk now or do ya want me to carry ya upstairs?”

Earlier at his house, Miles had spent the day getting ready for the moving. He’d called his solicitor and clarified the most pressing issues. He’d filled five suitcases. He’d watered the plants. He'd cleaned, roughly. He’d eaten whatever was in the fridge so nothing would go to waste. When he’d last looked at the living room it’d felt like goodbye. He’d killed the lights and turned on his heels to a cab filled with his stuff. He’d strutted to the car determined and confident. It'd been easier than he’d imagined it’d be.

Alex moaned, pouting and lifting his arms to wrap around Miles’ shoulders. “Carry me.”

Alex had always been a charmer. Miles loved his personality, and how sweet he was when Miles was concerned, how vulnerable he could get. Alex felt warm in his arms, and just like yesterday, when Miles was freezing, he needed his warmth.

“Oh!” Alex said with a mischievous smile, looking at the suitcases as Miles lifted him up. “I see ya’re ‘ere to stay.”

Miles held him close and kissed him briefly. “Ya know I 'ave a lot of shit. Five suitcases wouldn’t be even close to enough.”

Alex grinned knowingly. Miles was his, Miles knew it, so Alex most definitely knew it.

“Ya smoked!” Alex interjected, indignation in his tone, as Miles carried him upstairs.

Miles smoked, but he'd also showered twice so Alex wouldn’t know. But here they were.

“Just the one.” He confessed.

“I’m dying meself for a cig Miles, how could ya? And without me.” He groaned. “We ‘ave to buy those patches…”.

It’d been only days since they’d ‘stopped’ smoking. Miles had been craving a fag so badly that he’d sneaked to have one. Now he felt bad. It must have been hard for Alex, and his intentions on the matter were remarkably good.

“Yes babe, we 'ave to.” Maybe Miles was too weak to have a kid on his own, but he had Alex to steer him in the right direction. It was funny how he’d changed, how Alex had matured. Both of them had worked out their individual issues, and now it was finally time to give themselves a chance as a couple.

Miles grinned at Alex, putting him down on the bed, the other man quietly inquiring what was that face for. Miles said nothing, he just thought they had finally given themselves a real chance, and hoped Alex could read his mind.


	14. Two Robes and One Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles and Alex try something new. Things don't go as planned.

**3 weeks later (Early October)**

“Matt, Jamie, and Nick are coming ‘ere later. Nick is staying for a few days, and Matt is flying back to LA in a week. We still ‘ave pending concerns ‘bout the documentary, so I thought we could ‘ave some snacks and beers in the evening. What do ya think?” Alex emerged from the bathroom with a towel loosely wrapped around his waist, and a second one on his hair, rubbing it roughly. "Do ya ‘ear me, Miles?" Alex darted his eyes up to find Miles lounging in bed. He’d stopped scrolling on his phone to look at Alex. “I hear ya loud and clear. I just thought we had other plans, that’s all.” He shrugged with a bored frown between his eyebrows and the voice of disappointment.

“They’ll come ‘ere later, so we can put tha' in practice right now. If ya’re up for it?” Alex cocked a brow and threw his head forward to finish drying his hair. He then threw his head back and walked to the chest of drawers. He opened the top drawer, rummaging through his boxers to end up choosing plain black ones.

“Oi oi! No clothes.” Miles scolded, sitting upright in the bed.

With towels now hung on a chair, Alex gave him nothing more than a chuckle and a frail shrug as he slid his boxers up his legs, adjusting his cock. “Why’d’ya care? Ya’re going to be blindfolded, anyway.” He reached for the nicotine patches' box on top of the piece of furniture, opening it and sticking one patch on his upper arm.

Miles pouted. “I 'ave feelings. And I sense when you’re naked just by the quality of your voice.” His tone comical.

Alex walked to the bed, and was (un)expectedly trapped by Miles, who brought him down with one hand, phone reckless tossed to the bedside table. “Like a spider on an icicle.” Alex sang.

“Frozen in time.” Miles crooned, taking a hand to his face, pensive. “I think spiders would lose their senses when frozen, Al.”

Alex wiggled his index finger. “Not the one we’ve written about, no. Tha’ one is special.” Alex adjusted himself on Miles’ lap, running a hand through Miles’ hair, which had been getting bigger and now allowed some tugs. Miles looked at him with too much affection in his eyes and a silly smile on his face. Alex was sure he mimicked the face right back at Miles.

They kissed briefly. “If we start now, ya’ll miss nap time, and by the time the boys arrive ya’ll be annoyed out of yar mind.” Miles offered him a sympathetic smile, chuckling and kissing him one more time. “My obnoxious little monkey.”

“Don’t I know?” He knew he’d be grumpy and all, but he’d got this nagging idea for a while now, and if he didn't act on it sooner rather than later he’d gone mad. There wasn’t much they hadn’t done in bed yet. They had done some spanking, nothing too harsh, just some mild spanking. They had role-played, plenty. They had done some BDSM shit - probably not like BDSM people would do, but something similar, something particularly theirs.

And now, Alex couldn’t stop thinking about jerking Miles off after blindfolding him and handcuffing him to the bed.

Stupid, right?

He knew that, but it didn't make him want to do it any less. Something about being the one completely in control, or maybe something about giving Miles pleasure - expecting it to be enhanced from being deprived of two of his senses.

Or maybe everything combined.

Miles was so hot and Alex couldn't determine what made him so damn attractive. Surely, he was fit and everything, but it must be down to his personality. Miles would go from sassy to sweet, and dainty. From dominant to submissive - not really, but still...Alex was yet to find someone as unique as his Miles;someone who'd strike him the same way.

Luckily, he was done looking.

Miles chuckled, pushing Alex off his lap and off the bed. “Let's do it then!”

Alex scoffed, climbing back on the bed and holding Miles down by his hips. “From now on, ya’re only allowed to moan. And by moaning, I mean fuckin’ taking the house down with yar whimpering. Understood?”

Miles’ eyes filled with lust and he smirked. “Oh yes!!!!” He took off his own boxers quickly and tossed them to the other end of the bed. “Grab the handcuffs and the…scarf? Now!”

Alex sneered at the bossy tone and licked Miles’ face, making the other man feign a moment of irritation that soon dissipated. Alex reached under the bed, tapping for the items. “‘ere!” He showed them to Miles. “I kept ‘em under the bed earlier so I wouldn’t waste any second looking for them.” He grinned and Miles squealed enthusiastically.

Alex had also adjusted the heater's temperature. He knew Miles would become reluctant to getting naked if it was cold - and the temperature was low today. It was October, therefore it’d been officially Autumn for a while.

Alex lifted Miles' left hand and handcuffed it to the headboard. Then he lifted his right hand and pecked it, avoiding the rings and getting skin. Philandering eyes on Miles', eliciting a toothy smile from the man. “Me king.” Alex told before handcuffing him - a reminder of who really was in control, an unnecessary one nonetheless.

Miles was hard in anticipation, and so was Alex. “Now the scarf.” Alex had chosen a soft green scarf which was long enough to cover Miles’ eyes and to be tied comfortably in the back of his head. It was not in the slightest sheer, but Alex folded a few times just to make sure Miles wouldn’t be able to see through it. “Close yar eyes me love.” Miles did what he was told and Alex covered his eyes, tying the scarf securely.

“Comfortable?” He asked, and Miles nodded. Miles’ breath hitching in his throat. Alex frowned, not convinced. “Are ya nervous, babe?”

Miles shook his head. “Not nervous, no. Just excited and…feeling weird. It’s strange to…Hey! Ya just slapped me cock.”

Alex laughed. “Don’t ya trust me?”

Alex knew the answer, Miles trusted him, and he trusted Miles. At least in bed they trusted each other. “I trust ya completely Alex, or do ya think I’d let just anyone handcuff me to the bed and then blindfold me?”

Alex shook his head in response, even though Miles couldn’t see, shaking off the annoyance in Miles’ voice. If he was honest with himself, nearly nothing was as calming to him as how comfortable he felt around Miles. There was no embarrassment or awkwardness. They’ve done virtually everything there was to be done in bed and out of it. Miles’ touch didn’t make him anxious, or willing to end the act quickly. With Miles he wanted to take his sweet time, and Miles would always, always let him. He’d wait for him to make his moves - sometimes with some signs of impatience, truth be told, but he’d still wait. If Miles didn’t like something, he’d tell Alex right the way, so Alex didn't have to wonder whether he did something wrong.

They made a straightforward couple in bed, in the studio and on stage, as opposite to anywhere else.

“I love ya, me sweet Miles.” Alex pressed their foreheads together, kissing Miles softly at first and then avidly, tonguing into his mouth, getting in return the same amount of enthusiasm. Alex pulled away with a sigh, and caressed the sensitive skin of Miles' neck, watching as goosebumps emerged.

After a couple of minutes, Alex resumed. “Me gorgeous Miles…”

Miles sniggered. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Open up, legs wide spread for me.” He patted the inside of Miles’ legs, tone authoritarian. “Make room so I can get in the middle.”

Miles obeyed. “I love when ya're all bossy.” His feet flat on the bed and knees up high. Legs wide open as requested.

“And I love when ya do what I say. Ya’re not supposed to talk, ya’re supposed to moan only, remember?” Alex crawled a finger through Miles' cheeks, and Miles replied with a nod and a sly grin.

Alex took a minute to admire Miles, silently having his eyes dancing through the other man’s body; he looked so good wearing a nicotine patch and nothing else. Alex bit his bottom lip, observing how Miles' plump mouth was pink and wet by an exciting tongue that darted out to his lips from time to time. His skin was paler than it was on the last days of summer, matching his northern soul better. Miles had been working out every morning, and it showed on the shape of his torso, perfectly adorning the cock that now hit his stomach.

Perfect!

“Get naked, Alex!” The demanding and fazed voice snapped him out of his thoughts, making Alex chuckle.

“I’m already naked.” He lied.

“No, ya're not. Told ya I can sense those things. I can almost hear yar naughty boxers mocking me.” Miles squirmed a little, presumedly to find a more comfortable position, though soon a foot went jerking from its previous position trying to find Alex on the bed.

Alex jumped out of the bed, deliberately escaping Miles’ attempts at finding him, and pretended to remove his boxers. “There! I’m naked.”

Miles frowned, and his mouth fell open. He shook his head. “Nah! Ya’re not.”

Alex pretended one more time. “There!” And this time Miles only shook his head violently. “Just do it already, will ya?”

“Ya're peeking! Ya can only be peeking!!!” Alex took a step in Miles’ direction and tried finding the gap which Miles was using to peek on him. Hovering Miles, he checked left and right, up and down. Nothing.

“I’m really not, Al.” His breath fanning over Alex’s face from how close they were, still Alex couldn't find a gap. Miles must be telling the truth.

Alex took a step back, removing his boxers without a sound. He then carefully placed it to the end of the bed for it to join Miles'. “There!”

Miles stayed still, teeth sinking in his bottom lip in concentration. He smiled. “Now we’re talking. Took ya long enough. Now come and treat me, babe.”

Alex barked a laugh, kneeling on the bed and taking his place in the middle of Miles’ long legs. “Mmmmm…sweet, sweet Miles. What am I going to do…” A pause. “…to ya?” His hands stroked Miles’ broad shoulders, feather fingers drawing teasing patterns. He sank his teeth on Miles’ neck with no warning and Miles cried out. He sucked the spot, not doing anything to sooth it.

Miles groaned. “Something bad, something really, really bad.” Miles chimed in, biting the inside of his cheek, trying hard not to laugh.

Alex too wanted to roll to the floor and laugh, but he was playing a role, and he shouldn’t take Miles’ insubordination lightly when he was the one in control, especially not take it playfully. So he stood up on the bed, holding Miles’ head with both hands. He bucked his hips forward and towards Miles’ parted lips; without hesitation, he shoved his cock down Miles’ throat. “I want to see ya trying to talk with yar mouth this full.” He thrusted his mouth again, harder this time.

Miles had been taken by surprise, gasping at the shaft sunk into his throat. Although he quickly recovered and started bobbing his head, sucking vigorously at Alex’s hard cock. “Yes, ya’re so good at this.” Alex praised. He knew Miles’ limits, and what he’d just done was within them.

Miles whimpered at the compliment, while Alex’s hands secured his head in place by woven fingers in the short strands of Miles’ hair.

“Yes, do that with yar tongue…ya know ‘ow much I love tha'.” His voice was low and rugged. Alex bucked his hips on more time, eyes fixed down on Miles working his cock. “Ya’re so good, babeh.”

Alex removed himself from Miles’ mouth, and Miles whined. “It’s alright, I want to stroke ya now.” Alex reassured him, a hand caressing the other man's cheeks.

“Ya tasted so good, Al.” Miles slurped. “I can taste ya better like this.”

Alex appreciated the remark but did not entertain the conversation. He knelled down on the bed and went down on Miles, sucking his neglected cock, which was leaking just from sucking Alex. “I want to do the same to ya Al. Oh. That’s so good. Ah. Ya’re going to love it. Ah.”

“Shut up.” Alex weakly warned, resuming the sucking, licking at Miles’ slit for the pre-cum. Miles squirmed under him, buckling his hips up and finally seeing to obey Alex; he whimpered loud enough to be heard by the neighbours. Alex couldn’t even start explaining how that made him feel.

Powerful?

He looked up at Miles, looking for his reactions. His head was leaned back, and he panted. The little Alex could see of his face showed how flustered his lover was.

Wanted?

“Keep it like that and I won’t make it until ya stroke me Al. I’m getting close, this is so good.” Miles tried to escape his mouth, pushing his hips back as far as he could against the headboard.

“Don’t ya dare to cum.” Alex warned, taking a brief break from sucking Miles, mostly to breathe.

Miles moaned. “Damn Alex! Now I want to cum even more! Don't ya dare me. Ya know how I feel about dares.”

Alex shook his head; telling Miles he couldn’t do something was the same as telling him to do it, so Alex stopped the torturously blow job and instead started stroking Miles, sitting between his legs, fingers poking on his perineum.

It didn’t take many tugs for Miles to pant again.

“Babe, I…Oh…I..won’t…last…Oh…like this…how…Ohhh…’bout…Oh…Ah…break?”

The doorbell rang.

“What the fuck!” Alex stopped stroking him, head snapping to the window. “Who could it be at the door now?” He jumped out of the bed and walked to the window. He tried to see who was at the door through the window shutters' cracks but couldn't.

“Someone trying to convince ya to change yar gas provider?” Miles smirked, amused by the break he’d accidentally got.

“Miles!” Matt called from outside - voice lower than normal but still recognisable - knocking lightly on the door.

“What are they doin’ 'ere so early?“ Alex asked - a question directed more at himself. “I’m going to kick their arses babe, I’ll be back in a second.” With that, Alex kissed Miles’ lips and left the room.

He could hear Miles shouting: “Don’t ya dare leave me here alone. And naked. And vulnerable!”

Alex visited the bathroom to fetch his robe, finding only Miles'. He threw it on and tried to ignore that he was now dressed in nothing but a leopard print garment.

When he'd got to the door, he heard all the other monkeys’ voices.

He couldn’t help but curse. “Fuck!”

He opened the door, holding the robe safely tied. “What’re ya doin’ ‘ere?”

Matt, Jamie and Nick stared at him confusedly, until they finally made eyes with the robe and started laughing and pointing. “We came to the meetin’, why else?”

Matt was the first one to step inside and tried to undo Alex’s robe. “Ya look precious, Al.”

Alex slapped his hand and looked down at himself. He looked alright. “Hilarious! This is Miles’ robe, I couldn’t find mine.”

After everyone strode inside already kicking off their shoes, Alex watched as they looked around and went ahead on making themselves feel at home.

Uninvited, inconvenient, ill-timed twats.

“Where's Miles? We figured ya’d be napping and we could talk to him in the meantime.”

_So, is that why ya rang the doorbell?_

“Well, ya were not supposed to come inside just yet. Ya were supposed to arrive ‘ere hours later, in the evening.” Alex adjusted the robe to cover his thighs as Jamie’s gaze was fixed there; his face unreadable.

“Why is so bloody ‘ot in ‘ere?” Nick shrugged off his jacket and tugged at his shirt's collar, letting out a long struggled breath.

Following Nick’s discomfort, Jamie also removed his jacket. “’M melting.”

Matt looked unaffected by the heat, maybe because he was a drummer, and if there was a more heat-resistant species than a drummer, Alex wasn’t aware of. Matt only frowned at the others and turned to face Alex. “Eh…ya didn’t say the time, so we just popped up. Where’s Miles, mate?” He nudged Alex.

_They had just popped up._

Casually like that.

Alex had spoiled them.

He cleaned his throat, eyes descending to his bare foot, bashfully sweeping the floor. "He’s a bit…tied up at the moment.”

“Ew. Ya don’t mean that literally, do ya?” Said Jamie, his expression no longer unreadable but outraged.

Alex gestured towards Matt to defend himself with a sly grin. “Matt asked.” Then, right on time to prevent a disaster, he saw Nick making his way upstairs, probably heading to the bathroom. “And he’s more like…handcuffed to the headboard, and naked.” That last part was directed at Nick, delivered in a loud shrieking voice. Nick turned back and nonchalantly walked down the steps to the living room, as if nothing had been said or done.

“Gross, mate. I didn’t need that mental picture.” Jamie walked to the couch, plopping down and putting his feet on the coffee table.

“Alex!!!” This time it was Miles calling for him.

He promptly replied. “I'll be right there, babe!”

Matt frowned. “Should’ve covered his big mouth as well.”

Alex chuckled. “And missed those moans? No fuckin’ way.”

“Aleeeeeeeex!” Miles’ voice was strained and bothered. He also sounded…tired?

“Ew mate! Just ew! Go upstairs and put an end to whatever ya were doing. We’ll wait! And for the love of God keep it down.”

Alex ran to the stairs, turning his head back only to provoke Matt and the others. “Can’t promise anythin'.” A cheeky wink to cement the affront.

***

“They are ‘ere to stay, I'm so sorry.”

"Are ya alone?” Miles asked.

“I'm alone. Are ya crazy? As if I’d ever let them come up ‘ere while ya’re naked. That’s only for me.” He walked up to Miles. “Although Nick was making his way ‘ere earlier.” He chuckled, sitting on the bed next to his lover.

“Mmm.” Miles said, contemplating the idea, lips showing a smug smile. “Nick is pretty.”

Alex frowned and made a dissatisfy noise. “Don’t even joke ‘bout that!” He berated, making Miles laugh loudly. “Ya forget tha’ ya're still very much handcuffed and I could leave ya ‘ere for the rest of the day as punishment. ‘ow tha’ sound?” As if Alex wasn’t a softie for this very man.

Miles shook his head. “No, ya need to get me out of ‘ere.”

“Or…we could resume what we were doing before….” Alex grabbed Miles’ limp cock, tugging it twice.

“No, Alex!” He writhed, making it difficult for Alex to continue.

It surprised Alex; it wasn’t like Miles to refuse sex just because his mates were in the other room. So he asked _why?_.

Miles let his head down as if he wanted to be invisible, and said bashfully,

“I can’t feel me hands.”

A rumbling laugh left Alex’s throat, but soon he was looking for the key to free Miles. Hands softly stroking his wrists as a way of compensating for the pain inflicted.

Once Alex had removed the scarf from Miles’ eyes and Miles had adjusted to the light, he gave him an once over. “Fucking hot in me robe, Turner. I want to do bad things to ya.” He bit his lips.

Alex made a pose, propping up on his elbow and lounging on the bed, robe partially revealing his chest and fully revealing his crotch. Miles’ eyes wandered over Alex’s details and a sigh escaped his lips. “Are they going to miss us if we…” He tutted. “Real quick…”

“No, I don’t think so.” Alex replied, teeth sinking on his bottom lip and the robe being thrown open invitingly. Miles jumped on him, pinning him down on the bed and kissing him ravenously.

Alex moaned, flipping them over so Alex was on top. He sucked on a new spot on Miles’ neck and Miles rejoiced, whooping.

“We can hear ya!!!!!!” Came the fainted voice from the living room.

Miles stopped, pushing Alex off of him and getting up. “Maybe next time.” He winked, reaching for his boxers on the end of the bed, and then walking to the chest of drawers with a maddening sway of the hips, leaving a distraught and frustrated Alex behind still lying in bed.

To hell with these paper-thin walls, they needed a new house.

***

“‘ow many times do I ‘ave to tell ya that that’s the wrong bin!” Alex fished - utterly disgusted - the dirty hummus container from the recycling bin, confirming that it was _not yet recyclable_ and tossing it into the black bin.

Miles looked back at Alex briefly, avoiding him afterwards. And that’s exactly why he’d never learn.

Alex washed his hands fiercely and rolled eyes at Miles, who calmly snacked on the cheese board they had just put together.

“So,” Miles turned to Matt - the only monkey in the kitchen apart from Alex. “'ow do?”

Matt took a sip of his beer, calmly. “Bre and I ‘ave our hands full with the kids. Just when Amelia is becoming more independent, we ‘ave a toddler who's just started walking. And we ‘ave to literally watch out for everything or Ofelia will just break stuff or kill herself. ‘ope ya’re ready for tha’ mate.” He patted Miles’ back.

Alex looked over at Miles, and Miles grinned. “I’m more than ready, I’ve always wanted to ‘ave children,” He chewed happily on his cheese, and Alex observed. “I was born for it.”

Alex himself wanted to be as ready as Miles.

He was, but he wasn’t.

He loved Johnny, however, he had no idea how to look after a child. Let alone a baby, or a toddler.

Alex leaned on the countertop pensively, and before he thought it through he offered, “We can babysit for ya guys whenever ya want. I know ya're mostly in LA, but whenever ya're ‘ere, we’d be ‘appy to.” Alex was more uncertain of this than he’d ever been of anything else in his life. He did not understand how his attempt on babysitting an actual human being would pan out.

It was risky.

Miles’ shiny smile, though, told him it’d be worth it. “Of course! We’d love to Matt. Leave them with us and go out on a date. When was the last time ya two had done that?”

Matt puffed air out, trying to remember the last time. “I don't even remember it, to be honest. Tha’d be fuckin’ amazing. Do ya ‘ave plans for Halloween?” Matt had that look in his eyes that begged _Please, do not have plans for Halloween._

Alex had never babysat Amelia. Or Forrest, or Bonnie, or Hearst. They wouldn’t let him if he’d offered, which he hadn't, too busy with his meaningless girlfriends and unhealthy habits to do something nice to his mates. The old Alex would never venture on that area, and he knew Matt’s willingness was coming from the fact that Miles would be here too.

“Nowt.” Alex said, trying to look nonchalant, even though he was nervous.

“Great! So let’s do this, we’re dying to go to this party, and we’d,” He paused. “sleep,” He drew quotation marks with his hands, slightly tilting his beer. “�At a hotel, and come back the next day. Of course we’d be 'ere for the girls' Halloween, which we could all celebrate together. We’d leave after ten, so plenty of time to give away sweets. We could buy the sweets and everythin’, ya wouldn’t need to bother with any of tha’.”

Miles put his hands together, excited. “Nonsense!!! I want to buy the sweets, and the decoration! Al will help me. Won’t ya, babe?”

Alex nodded. If everything went to shit, it’d serve them as practicing.

“Deal!” Matt said, already tapping on his phone and pressing call. “Hey love, remember that Halloween party we were dying to go? Well, ya can Rsvp.”

Alex smiled, satisfied, snaking his arm on Miles’ waist. It felt good to being able to do something for a friend whilst sharing it with his best friend.

***

“Ok, so let’s vote.” Said Jamie. “First item is: what to include in the video from a list of touring and recording videos?” He cleaned his throat and opened the notebook that listed the agenda for the meeting. “The making of Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino music video.”

Alex swatted Jamie's feet from the coffee table and placed the cheese board on top of it. He gestured for Miles to scoot over on the couch, but ended up sat on half of his lap instead - satisfied. “Yes…but only if we cut the robe part, and the part I’m half naked.” He reached for Miles’ head sidewards and brought him closer to his.

“It’s the best part.” Miles chimed in.

Nick took a swig of his beer. “It wouldn’t be TBHC if we cut tha' part.” He sniggered.

“I vote yes. No cuts.” Matt said simply.

“Yes, from me as well. Same conditions.” Jamie added.

Alex looked instinctively at Miles for help.

Miles shrugged.

“That’s it then, four against one.” Matt concluded.

Since when Miles had got a vote?

In face of his indignation Miles caressed the bottom of his spine. “I don’t mind Al, as long as people know ya’re mine.” He winked at him and Alex melted. A smile reached his lips and eyes as he leaned in to kiss Miles. They didn’t let it linger, though. “Ok, then. Next.” He said looking at Jamie, who had a grin on his face.

“Ya two are cute.” Jamie remarked and looked down to peruse the page again. “The recording videos for Salt and Milk.”

The entire room cackled, hands slapping thighs in excitement - except for Alex. “Can we stop using ‘Salt and Milk’ as the name of the album? It’s utterly ridiculous.”

As the group was distracted, Miles got closer to Alex, telling him a very graphic joke about something that was salty and milky. It made Alex lose it and join the group in laughter. “Fuck! Okay. Sh, everyone." He called their attentions. “Add the video for the recording of ‘Salt and Milk’”.

Matt cheered, followed by Nick and Jamie. Matt raised his bottle. “To ‘Salt and Milk', our best album.” The others joined in, raising their bottles.

“To ‘Salt and Milk’.” Alex said, turning to whisper in Miles’ ear that his salty and milky thing was the one he was toasting. Miles had listened to it, mouth agape and the prospect of a smile on his face. He then started chuckling softly as everyone put their bottles down.

“Third one on the list is: The backstage footage from TRSNMT 2018.”

Everyone laughed.

“Here we go again!” Alex said with a shake of his head and a smug smile - aimed at Miles.

***

They’d had a very productive day. They’d got to vote for every pending item on the documentary project, quelling their work on the theme. Now the only thing left to do was to wait for the crown of laurels from their hard work.

Matt had offered to help cleaning and Alex had accepted it, refusing Miles’ help to leave him to rest. After all, he’d been the one putting the cheese board together earlier.

“When are ya coming out?” Matt asked as he collected all the beer bottles into a recycling bag.

Alex made a scornful sound. “Ya know when.” He kept his focus on the dirt plates and cups that he thoroughly washed.

“I think ‘Never’ don't apply anymore. Especially not with ‘ow things are with Miles now.” He pointed back at the living room, and Alex could only think, _Well, thank ya very much for showing me where Miles is, but this is none of yar business - Curious George-Helders._

“I don't see yar point.” He did it, actually.

Matt sighed. “'ow many chances do ya think he’s going to give ya? For real? Ya need to stop fuckin' up Alex, ya love tha' man to the moon and back, and back to the moon again and ‘round it at least twice.”

He loved him more than that. He loved him to the outer space and beyond. His love for him expanded every second like the universe. His love for Miles was some cosmic business that his comprehension couldn't grasp. “So?”

“He won't forgive ya anymore Alex, ya’re going to lose 'im for good. Please don't do tha’ to yarsef. I can’t watch it. Not again.” He dropped the bag in the bin and crossed his arms defiantly. Something in Matt’s demeanour told Alex he was furious, but in reality he could never be that towards Alex, even when Alex deserved it. Even when Alex had stolen his girl when they were younger - someone none of them truly loved to be fair.

Still, it was against the bro code.

“He’ll understand, alreight? He always do." He turned to Matt, ditching the dishes and leaning on the countertop. “Breana forgave ya - for summat much worse.” He pointed out. He knew he shouldn’t have said that. He did not regret saying it, though. If Matt wanted a fight, Alex would put his finger where it'd hurt the most.

Right on the deep flesh wound.

Matt’s face dropped and Alex saw when the anger took over his friend’s features only to fade away a second later. “I was lucky, Al. I was so damn lucky, and I did not deserve to be forgiven. Breana found in her heart to forgive me because she’s an angel. She's much better than I'll ever be. That applies to Miles as well Alex, he’s too good for ya. Ya'd been a piece of shit to him, so many times. Ya can’t always expect ‘im to take ya back. I wish ya could see tha'.”

Alex now was the one crossing his arms on his chest. “He’ll forgive me every time because he loves me. And he’d take me back as well if necessary, which won’t be. We’re not splitting up ever again.”

Matt face-palmed and shook his head. He lifted his eyes to Alex again. “He needs more from ya Al, please don’t be tha' daft. Ya can't possibly be this blind. Ya’re deceiving 'im.”

“He don’t expect as much of me as ya’re suggestin’” He blurted out defensive.

Matt got closer to him. “Mate, he do. Ya put a ring on his finger. Ya asked ‘im to move in with ya. Ya say ya want to parent his kid.”

“I’m Johnny’s parent.” Alex was quick to correct him, tapping on his chest to make sure he’d understand it.

Matt had his lips in a thin line. “Ok, ya two are soon to be parents. Ya came out to yar mom. He said in the living room, ‘As long as they know ya're mine' or summat along these lines. And on top of all tha’, there are hickies on his neck that’d make all other bruises blush. See where I’m going with this? He won’t be able to come back from all of tha'. Ya're buildin’ summat with 'im, and there’s no turning back. And ya know what’s going to happen? Whenever ya fuck up - ‘cause ya will - things are going to feel too heavy on him. Raising a kid all by himself is going to pose an impossible job, and he’s going to go back to Alan.”

Alex made a fist. He wanted to punch Matt for even suggesting it, as if saying it out loud would jinx it for them. His lips twitched as he heard his heart racing more rapidly. He stepped forward and instead of punching him immediately, he decided on pushing him against the kitchen cabinets, a firm grip on the collar of his shirt.

“Great, are ya going to hit me now?” Matt said, unafraid but sounding disappointed. Alex could never hit him. “If the subject has ya this worked up Al, it’s ‘cause ya know deep down tha’ I’m right. A child changes everythin'. I wouldn’t have a sliver of a chance with Bre if we didn't have Amelia. Miles won’t want to do it alone, and he'll run back to his ex husband’s arms.”

Alex pushed him one more time. “Miles won’t ever leave me.” Another push and Jamie was separating them.

“Get yar act together, Miles is coming right behind me, ya idiots.” He whispered gravelly. Alex didn’t know how much he’d heard of their conversation or if he’d got just the last sentence, either way he knew about who they’d been talking about.

“Oi Oi!” Miles shouted before looking around. His face promptly changed into confusion. “Who died?”

Just the sound of his voice made Alex's knees go weak, and butterflies emerge to his stomach. He hated himself for believing Miles would go back to Alan. Even more, Alex hated himself for being such a coward. Looking at Miles with fond and guilt he shook his head. “No one babe. Everythin’ is alreight.” For now, anyway. “Come ‘ere.” He gestured him to come for a hug, and Miles walked up to him, getting inside his welcoming arms like he’d done thousands of times before.

Alex hugged him tight.

Jamie nodded to Matt, and Matt fixed the collar of his shirt. The disapproving look in his eyes would hunt Alex for a while.

“I love ya.” Alex told Miles. And before Matt and Jamie were walking out of the kitchen and into the living room again, he could see both men shaking their heads, and Matt mouthing to him, _Do ya really?_

***

**1 week later**

Miles walked into their studio and future nursery to find Alex curved onto the small table, one hand resting on top of it and another running through his hair. He had his notebook open on a page that showed a list. Miles reached for it. “Lemme see it?”

Alex tried holding it back, but it slipped through his fingers. “It’s not ready, Mi.” He protested in vain.

Miles held the notebook open, looking at Alex. “If it’s a new song, I want to read it.” He smiled softly. Alex fidgeted with his own shirt, looking way more uncomfortable than usual.

“Daddy, Babba, Papa, Dad, Dada, Daddy 1/ Daddy 2, Father…” It stopped there. On the right of each name, there was a small bulleted list of pros and cons. “This is…” Miles ran out of words.

Alex sighed and seized the notebook from Miles’ hand. “It’s not ready, I've told ya. It's a list of the names the babeh can call us.”

Miles stared at him open-mouthed. Should he tell Alex he hadn’t decided yet? Should he tell him that making Alex the baby’s second parent stirred him in conflicting ways? One time he’d feel so warm and at home whenever Alex showed he cared, and another he’d just hurt all over, as if letting Alex in their lives - Johnny’s and his and not only his - would be the precursor of a catastrophe.

Miles had stayed quiet for a long time while Alex just scribbled more names in and crossed some names off.

“Which ones do ya like the most, Al?” A hand on Alex’s hunchback, softly stroking it. He loved him way too much to hurt him, to even remotely taking this away from him.

Alex looked back at him from where he was sitting on the chair, a lopsided smile slowly forming on his face. “I like Papa, for me. Maybe Daddy, for ya.” His hand hovered over the words on the page, and Miles’ heart could have well bursted from the amount of love that ran to it.

“I like it.” Miles said, sitting on Alex’s lap. “As long as I’m not Daddy 2.” Alex kissed him and laughed into the kiss.

“Shame, that was the second best option,” A pause. “Daddy…”

Miles kissed him one more time. “Don’t make it sound so dirty, Papa.”

“I won't if ya won’t, Daddy.” This time it sounded sweet, and it freaked Miles out - in good and bad ways - he didn’t know how to explain it just yet.

***

**Halloween Week**

Alex had started his cooking lessons, and after he'd learned how to make lasagna - a dish he thought complicated - he’d made it every day for the last week.

Miles had grown sick of it.

But he wasn’t the one to let Alex know.

He wanted to see Alex happy all the time, and the man had been nothing but elated. If cooking Miles’ meals made Alex this happy, Miles would eat lasagna every day for the rest of his life if he had to. It was not like their house plants could take rests of food as they could take an unwanted beverage.

They hadn't been out lately. They had gone to the grocery store plenty of times, but that was about it. They loved their little nest. The place where love had flourished to a level of connection not even Miles could have imagined possible. An attachment that was only possible with his Alex.

He hadn’t known what to expect when he'd first moved in. He still kept the other house, even though Alex wanted to get rid of it immediately. He didn’t even like that house that much, only the thought of Alex changing his mind that still terrified him. Especially now when he had Johnny on the way, and he couldn't fathom being homeless with a newborn. Of course he had friends, his mother and money to sort a new place; but those things took time, and he wanted nothing but to offer his baby the stability he deserved.

Miles sighed, adjusting his position in the chair, guitar in hands. Alex was on the piano, fiddling the notes aimlessly. He looked sidewards at Miles. “I want to use the word ‘schadenfreude’ in a song.”

Miles scoffed. “Over me dead body.” His hands were plucking the guitar, eyes down in concentration, no particular song in mind or out of it. “We’ve talked ‘bout this. Use a synonym, Al.”

Alex sat upright, excitement in his gleaming eyes. “Oh, epicaricacy!!”

Miles dropped the guitar and threw his hands up. “I give up!” Miles was thinking _gloat_. He rolled his eyes. “Do however ya please, little prince.” As usual, Miles let him have everything; his love, his body, his soul, his music and the choice of words.

***

Alex was layering yet another lasagna while one was baking in the oven, when Miles stuck his head around the door. “'ave ya called Matt? We 'ave to confirm when they are coming.”

Alex hadn’t spoken to Matt since their last meeting, and he didn’t want to call him. However, he knew he had to. Matt was his second best friend, or a strong contender for the second place, neck and neck with Jamie. “I will, me love. As soon as I finish the lasagnas.” Gosh, he could use another meal that didn’t include pasta or cheese. Miles loved his lasagna so much, kept saying how it was the best thing he’d ever had the chance to taste. So Alex kept making it, even though it’d been an entire week.

“It smells delicious in ‘ere! Props to ya, babe.” He blew a kiss from where he was standing and left Alex in the kitchen to finish their dinner.

Alex would eat lasagna every day if that meant Miles would keep being this happy. Alex shook his head slightly at the thought, not even trying to hide the fondness in his features. It wasn’t like anyone was looking beside their house plants.

***

“I was wondering when ya were going to call. It’s been weeks, ya wanker.” Matt was mad. Understandably so.

“And now ya know why.” Alex scoffed, playing with an imaginary phone wire. “I’ve been meanin’ to call, but I don’t want to listen to ya saying shit to me.”

Matt chuckled bitterly. “Really Al, 'aven’t ya given a thought ‘bout what we talked tha’ day? If not, ya definitely should mate.”

Alex sighed. “I 'ave.” He paused, not wanting to tell Matt he was right. “But I’m not tellin’ ya tha’ ya’re reight, 'cause ya’re not.”

“Ya know I am. And who’s going to pick up yar pieces when Miles leave ya?” Alex shut his eyes and gripped the phone harder. Matt continued. “I'd say for ya to find another friend for a crying shoulder, but if I remember correctly ya hadn't cried only on my shoulder. Ya went to Jamie, to Nick, to Alexa, to Zack, to Taylor even though she hates ya…should I keep going? ‘cause I think the only one ya hadn’t bothered was yar mom. At least now she’d be in the loop reight, Al? To replace me.”

Alex let out a huff full of indignation. “Don’t say shit! Ya know ya’re irreplaceable.”

“That’s not how it seems every time I do or say summat ya don't like. I’m fuckin’ tired of ya walking away from me whenever ya’re upset. If ya’re angry, ya fuckin’ talk to me, Al. Ya talk to me face and ya don’t run away. Let me be upset or angry with ya. And it goes both ways. I’m yar best friend.” Matt sighed. “I don’t want ya alone with drugs and depression, ya little piece of shit. I know ya’ll never be completely clean and that’s okay with me, but don't get yarself into the same self-destructive patterns of before. Isolation is one of the ways ya do that. Ya may suffer a relapse an-”

“Are ya done?” Alex's voice was stern and aggravated.

“No. Ya tosser! Fuck you Alex. Fuck ya for not replying to me messages whenever ya feel like it.” He inhaled audibly. “Okay, now I'm done.”

Alex took a deep breath, picking on his fingernails. “When are ya coming with the girls?”

“I’d say maybe somewhere past four on Thursday, maybe a little earlier or a little later. I dunno, it’ll depend on traffic from King’s Cross. Ah, we’re going from Sheffield. On Wednesday we’ll 'ave a party for Amelia’s birthday at me parents. Nowt big, she's going to ‘ave a bigger party in LA with her friends on the weekend. Anyways, I'll text ya from the cab.”

“We'll be waiting, Matt. Love ya.”

“Love ya too.” Alex had spent his entire life running away from people; from fans, from friends, and from Miles. He wanted to be done with running away _from_ , and start running _to_.

If he were to lose any of his friends to his behaviour, he knew it’d be his loss.

Clock was ticking.

***

Alex had insisted that Miles needed a break from their cocoon. He'd convinced him to go out with his friends. Friends that Miles could barely remember at this point. It sounded horrible when put like that. Miles only wanted to stay home with Alex, because Alex didn’t want to leave the house.

_Ya should relax with yar friends a little._ He’d said. _I 'ave a lot to do before the babeh is born. Ya go, and ‘ave a good time, me love._

It was almost like he was trying to rid himself of Miles, and Miles didn’t like the idea.

He’d gone out, reluctantly.

He hated this feeling when he was away from Alex and caught himself wondering if Alex still loved him the same way.

If he was home rethinking things.

If he was trying to manoeuvre himself away from Miles again.

Jay chucked the pint to Miles’ hand, who mumbled a _thanks_. His eyes absent as much as his mind and heart.

“‘ow are things mate? We haven’t seen each other in ages. It’s odd. Oh…I've seen Alan the other day, he’s got a new man. Much younger than him, took me good five minutes to get me mind around it.” Jay swallowed his drink and put it down on the table with a thud. “Are ya even listening?”

Miles shook his head, his eyes down, deep in thought. He barely registered that Alan has got a new man. He couldn't bring himself to give a damn about that right now, because he just wanted to go home. He was already here though, so what a couple of minutes longer would do? He moved on his chair, feeling something in his back pocket. He reached for it, intrigued, grabbing the piece of paper that was there. He thought it was a receipt until he’d seen Alex’s handwriting.

He read: _Yours is the only ocean…_

That was it. “I’m going home!”

Jay had pointless chased after him to the door. Miles was already outside, walking towards Alex, walking towards home.

***

One vice for another.

When Miles had finally dropped the cigarettes, he instead took drags of Alex. Whenever he needed a fix, Alex would fill his lungs, calming him down, placating him.

It wasn't healthy.

He had the opposite effect as well. Whenever Alex wanted, he’d also give Miles the high he’d craved so badly over those years without him.

Better than any drug Miles had ever tried, and he had tried many.

He’d checked his phone, and Alex hadn’t called him. Miles wondered if Alex was missing him as much as he was missing Alex. He felt like a clingy man - which hopefully Alex would find cute once he got home way earlier than expected.

He shook his head at his thoughts; he was only a couple roads away from home, but the longing was consuming him little by little. It was absurd if he reflected about it; the things they’d do at home were deemed boring by most people. Watching comedy or wrestling shows, cleaning the house, cooking and playing music were not known to be top fun. But Miles loved every second of it, because it was with Alex.

Miles tapped on his phone, calling Alex and listening attentively as it went straight into voicemail. He exhaled heavily, pocketing his phone and seeing his breath's steam hitting the air. He’d wanted to talk to Alex during his walk; so much for that idea.

It was a pleasant night. It was cold, and the sky was clean. He couldn’t see the stars even though he knew were there, somewhere hidden by the London lights. The moon, however, was visible as a semi-circle. Alex would enjoy seeing that.

When he reached the house, it had been roughly forty-five minutes since he had left. Not a substantial amount of time spent with his friends on a night out, but enough to call it done and over with. He looked at the house from the sidewalk and considered stalling a little, just to not look as desperate as he felt. He looked at the lights on inside the house and thought he couldn’t kid no one, Alex was there and it was enough of a reason to make him run rather than walk inside. He walked through the door happily, kicking his shoes and strutting down the corridor with the confidence of someone who knew he’d be seeing his lover in a few minutes.

He could hear Alex already, and he smiled instantly.

Life was good. Life was treating him really well. He had everything he needed and more.

But soon he’d realised that something was off about it. The words he overheard were words reserved to a loved one. Miles could tell it was a one-sided conversation coming from the living room.

Miles stopped dead in his tracks; he shouldn’t listen in on Alex’s private conversation, but he couldn't help it. Not with all the suspicious words being said. He’d heard ‘love' and ‘dearest’ already, two terms of endearment that he hadn’t ever heard Alex call someone that wasn’t Miles or one of his girlfriends.

“And I'm dying to see ya, my love.” Alex’s voice was silk, soothing. It ripped through Miles' veins until it found the flesh of his heart. His mouth went dry, his lungs constricted inside his chest, and his legs were giving up on him. He felt like fainting, he felt like being sick, he felt like dying.

Miles could hear Alex chuckling quietly. “And I love ya, with all me heart.”

Miles either sat on the floor or fell, he couldn’t remember. Alex had someone else. He was wooing his next girlfriend right under Miles’ nose. And he was so engaged in the conversation that he hadn’t even realised Miles was there, listening to everything.

Or he did realise it and he didn't care.

Miles couldn’t breathe. He felt grateful for having carried his inhaler to the pub with him, taking it off his leather jacket’s pocket and inhaling two puffs, almost without pause between them.

He couldn’t feel his hands as they shook violently, air had been probably cut from his brain by now. He only noticed he was crying when the tears were already coating his neck as they ran fluidly down his cheeks.

He felt too hot inside the turtleneck he’d chosen to hide Alex’s lovebites, wrapping him in memories under his jacket. How was he supposed to live without Alex? Again?

He wanted to stand up and walked in on Alex, confront him with everything in himself, ask for answers, demand apologies and new promises.

“I know yar dad needs some convincin’. But I’m not giving up on ya. Ever. I promise ya.” Alex chuckled. “After the wedding, he’ll know ‘ow serious I am.”

The last thing he remembered was everything going black and in his ears, the deafening sound of his throbbing heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you all. If you're wondering about the timeline for this story, this chapter takes place in 2024.
> 
> Ofelia Violet is Matt and Breana's daughter. It's been a while since the first chapter, but Breana was pregnant as mentioned by Matt at Miles and Alan's wedding. She's a one year old.
> 
> Miles and Alan got married in spring 2023 (around May). They have decided on becoming parents way before their first anniversary.
> 
> Olivia got pregnant in march 2024, and the baby is due in December 2024. 
> 
> Alex and Miles started talking again - after Miles and Alan have decided on having a baby -somewhere around June.
> 
> The baby shower was in September 2024 and Miles and Alan have broken up a couple of days after that.


End file.
